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11-02-05 12:59 PM
1 user currently in Movies / TV / Entertainment: Abnormal Freak | 4 guests
Acmlm's Board - I2 Archive - Movies / TV / Entertainment - Van Helsing - Peer Reviewed | |
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Geiger

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Posted on 05-05-04 09:47 AM Link | Quote
I just got back from an advanced screening of Van Helsing. Scary? You betcha. Pork has always frightened me.

As per the usual, the remainder of my post may contain some very mild spoilers, but probably nothing you couldn't figure out yourself if you've seen the trailer.


Plot

The movie opens with what could best be termed a tribute to the old horror movies. Its black and white and a mad scientist is screaming "ITS ALIVE! ITS ALIVE!"

A familiar angry-mob-at-a-windmill later, we are brought forward one year and to Paris, where Van Helsing is tracking down Mr. Hyde. We see why Van Helsing is da man, and then we barrel straight into the main plot, or what passes for it anyway.

Dracula has an evil plan to take over the world. Or something. I am not really sure. That is just how dangnabit good this film's script is.


Content

This film is rated PG-13, which must be for violence. I did not find the voilence portrayed to be particularly noteworthy, and I imagine it would have gotten a PG rating back in the days before PG-13. There is a little blood, but surprisingly scarce considering werewolves and vampires abound.

There is no sex or nudity. The hybrid form of the vampire brides is a bit amorphous. We do get half-mooned by Mr. Hyde at one point though.

There is some mild cussing (I do not recall hearing the F-Bomb).


Logic Holes

To have a logic hole, you would need to have some logic, would you not? The whole thing Dracula and his vampire brides are trying to accomplish will probably make you wince with a headache when its finally revealed.


Summary

As with most movies made in the last 10 years, Hollywood spent millions on cartoonish effects and apparently five coppers on the script. Your first warning should have been Kate Beckinsale in another vampire movie. Really, the story is just a flimsy excuse to throw a bunch of CGI monsters and fight scenes your way.

Most of the actors are not terribly good either. Beckinsale puts in another decent performance, but again nothing to indicate why she is a "name" in movies right now (her performance in Underworld was better). Jackman shows his incredible range beyond the Wolverine character to whole new levels of nill (who thought this guy would make a good Bond?). The monsters were super hams (especially the vampire brides).

The only performance that even came close to mildly impressing me was Shuler Hensley as Frankenstein's Creation. It was overdone a bit as well, but heck, its Franken-freakin-stein. It should be a little overdone.

Its an enjoyable movie, if you like pork or are still in grade school. Otherwise, wear a strand of garlic and carry a silver cane if you go to the movies this weekend, less this movie run up and bite you in the posterior. The only redeeming quality I see in this movie is that is should be a safe monster movie to take your kids to see.

I would write more, but frankly, this movie ain't worth it. At least we got a new release of the classic movies with this film.

I'd give it 1.5 out of 4 stars.

---Evil Peer
Eclipse

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Posted on 05-05-04 05:26 PM Link | Quote
I saw this movie yesterday and i will agree scary Though i did find the beginning a bit boring, it still was extremely interesting. And i reckon Huh Jackmon ( or however you spell his name ) was right for the character, though i didn't like the long hair on him
Toxic
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Posted on 05-06-04 07:28 AM Link | Quote
So far everyone and anyone is saying it womps, but the guy who made it, also made the Mummy and the Mummy Returns, and they took in about 800 mil with poor reviews.
Seph2k4

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Posted on 05-08-04 08:14 AM Link | Quote
I might go see this one tomorrow. Even though the reviews I've read of it weren't quite stellar ones, I've always been a sucker for the Mummy flicks. Nothing but special effects? Yes, but a deep story as well. Some amazing fight sequences in the mix. I expect more or less the same from this one, so that's what's getting me my ticket.
Smeg4Brains

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Posted on 05-09-04 03:25 PM Link | Quote
That film IS NOT scary! True it makes you jump a few times but i would define scary as jumping out of your skin every few minuets, then not being able to sleep that night.
Jarukoth


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Posted on 05-10-04 01:07 AM Link | Quote
Just another example of a good premise going nowhere...

Hugh Jackman - Good. Deserved a better movie.

Kate Beckinsale - Meow. Very Good. Again, deserved a better movie.

Story - Sucked. Easily the movie's weak point.

Vampire Ladies - Kinda sexy, but the laughing gets irritating.

Werewolves - Damn good effects.

Boomer

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Posted on 05-10-04 02:59 AM Link | Quote
I went to see this yesterday. I didn't mind it. It was pretty good. The fight scenes were pretty cool, along with their renditions of the original monsters.

I agree that the story was the main weak point. And I didn't really like the corny ending with her in the clouds
Mel
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Posted on 05-11-04 05:47 AM Link | Quote
<3 for barrel-fed repeating crossbows
Uncle Elmo

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Posted on 05-11-04 06:00 AM Link | Quote
I went to see it today and it's alright, not bad. I agree about the ending, it reminded me of Hot Shots

I liked the firar bloke from LOTR though, he was likeable.

Dracula's accent fluctuated a lot didn't it? I was expecting the count from Sesame Street to show up
Weasel
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Posted on 05-11-04 08:09 AM Link | Quote
I dunno about your peer review, Peer. I thought it deserved at least 3 of 4 stars. I thought it was great.
Legion
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Posted on 05-14-04 05:16 AM Link | Quote
Damn Ziff, that was brutal!

I thought it was very fun to watch. And that's what movies are lacking these days. Sure it had plot holes and such, but I had a very enjoyable time watching it and that's what matters most to me.

But more importantly, you must admit that the score kicked ASS! I downl...obtained it and it's very very good. Would you expect any less from Alan Silvestri?

On a final note, Hugh Jackman just plain kicks ass. I would LOVE to see him in more movies. Word has it that he might just get a Wolvie solo movie which would absolutely rock.
alte Hexe

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Posted on 05-14-04 09:29 AM Link | Quote
...I said something What happened to it?
God459
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Posted on 05-14-04 01:05 PM Link | Quote
Sofie

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Posted on 05-14-04 03:42 PM Link | Quote
I gots the soundtrack, which rocks.
and that's about it, really.
oh, wait. His hat. that was cool too.
Legion
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Posted on 05-15-04 01:00 AM Link | Quote
Originally posted by EvillerLegion
...I said something What happened to it?


Wow...I must be on crack.

I've seen this thread here and there from when it was made and every time I still thought it was made by you. Arg.
ErkDog

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Posted on 05-21-04 07:13 AM Link | Quote
I would like to just take this opportunity to point out... that technically you cannot give a "peer" review of a movie or anime for a few reasons.....

1) Peer implies... peer... so unless you make movies or anime you aren't their peer

2) Peer implies... peer... so unless you make movies or anime you aren't their peer

3) Peer implies... peer... so unless you make movies or anime you aren't their peer

if you are using Peer as in reference to your name... as in ... Peer (Evil Peer) Reviewed

then yeah I guess you could use it in that context

but in the general context of peer review it would imply you are the creators peer

for example.....

if someone set up a linux box... I could peer review their configuration because I am also a Linux guru and configurator....

I, however, would not be qualified to give a peer review of the techniques and modalaties invovled in say, changing an engine in a car... because I don't know how to do it, have never done it, and never will do it.... so therefore, I am not a Mechanic's Peer.... and consequently cannot give a Peer review....

I could however give a consumer or end user review..... and be like... yep my car works... good job, lol
Geiger

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Posted on 05-21-04 09:01 AM Link | Quote
Yes, let's talk about the technicalities of the phrase "peer reviewed". Because that's relevant.

No, its just a gimmick. "Peer reviewed" being a common phrase, and "Peer" being the latter part of my pseduonym. Like something marketing would come up with.

---Evil Peer
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