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| Acmlm's Board - I2 Archive - Lost Section - I might be perma-fucked for the rest of my life |
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alte Hexe Star Mario I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night Alive as you and me "But Joe you're ten years dead!" "I never died" said he "I never died!" said he Level: 99  Posts: 771/5458 EXP: 9854489 For next: 145511 Since: 03-15-04 From: ... Since last post: 2 hours Last activity: 2 hours |
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| I promised myself that I wouldn't bitch in here after what Bomburski did last Christmas. But I've had a hellish year, and my life may be ruined. It started in September. I'm not blaming this on Mags, she has no part in it, but after a summer which was depressing as I was set aside for her other friends, and then her breaking up with me, as well as family issues occuring at the time...Well, I started doing drugs. Lots of them. Not many know this, but I tried ketamine, which is a syringe based drug. I did LSD. I smoked marijuana regularly, I did cocaine once or twice. I was trying to kill myself through chemicals. This blatent self-abuse caught up with me. I got addicted to video games, and I'd stay up until 3 or 4 playing them instead of sleeping, this caused me to drowse off in almost every class. I decided to not organize myself, or my time. Let me just say that this is the beginning of a long and trecherous story. During the drug time, I had a beacon of hope...Which was smashed because of family problems. A trip to Japan, for free, for a year. I was ecstatic when I thought that I may be able to go to that country, a place I've wanted to go since I studied it in gr. 2 for a project. Everything about the country makes me tingle with happiness. The religion, the warfare, the history, the myths, the technology...All of this, I just loved it (can't forget the most beautiful women on the whole damned planet). I worked hard and got my average to 79%, even with sleeping and drug problems. Then the news came to me, I didn't receive a letter in the mail. I wasn't accepted, the reasoning...I still don't know. Whatever the cause, it crushed me. My hopes of leaving this place were dashed. Perhaps I should elaborate on two things, the family problems and the reason I wanted to leave this place so bad. I'll start with the latter. I live in Oshawa, Ontario. A moderate sized city east of Toronto. It is fairly disparate, and a strong union town. It is the home of the largest auto-plant in North America, and that is what fuels the city. It is flanked by two nuclear power stations, and surrounded by heavy industry. Sounds like an average town. Most places like this have people that others can relate to. Gathering places. Activities for youth. I live in one of the more remote areas, and all the activities that I get are from school. And they all piss me off. It is a disgusting dirty town. Walking downtown shows the crack addicts, the murderers and the violence of the city. There have been 3 murders in the past 2 weeks. We have the highest homicide rate per capita of any city in Canada. For a city of 150000 the name of "little Detroit" seems befitting. Oh, did I also mention that a few years ago that our pollution levels were some of the highest in the nation, this tied right in with birthdefects and health problems being right up there. None of this has changed. It is a city that shouldn't exist. It should be destroyed in a war, and then the ground should be salted. It has a history of evil. And it should be expunged. On the familial front, I come from a home, though united, is often rittled by fights and secrets and rifts. It just isn't healthy. Normally, I could handle this hand dealt to me. When I'm calm and can reflect on it, I see that I'm not in a horrid situation. This is where the story starts getting worse. Remember all those drugs, and problems with my ex? Well, prior to that, I had a really hard time dealing with stress. I also dealt with anxiety and other problems. When December rolled around, I was diagnosed with depression. Not SAD or another form. This was the harsh one, an imbalance in my hormones in my brain and a bad mixture of certain neurochemicals. I'm betting that my little affair with chemicals didn't help that. Anyways, I was soon prescribed a middle of the line in strength anti-depressant and an anti-ulcer medication. My constant stress, as the doctor put it, would cause harm if I didn't do something to stop it. All the while, I was having the most juvenille problem of all. Insecurity of looks and girl troubles. To this day, I still have those problems. This year, after my break up, I turned my eyes to the one girl that I've had a crush on since the day I saw her. Jenny Tang. The athletic muscian embodied everything that I loved, she was funny, quiet and a fairly reflective person. I asked her on a date, she said yes. I screwed up on the date, and since then she and I have just been friends. I still like her, and I hope one day she will return my feelings. Perhaps it is blind hope I should let go of...It really doesn't matter anymore. I also tried other girls. Let me say that they were even more miserable fKitten Yiffers. I was pounded with rejections and practical jokes. Enough to crush anyone. Just a few weeks ago, a girl I know by passing, caught me at work and gave me 'her' phone number. Turns out it was the number of a girl who was scared and frightened, probably suffering from some recent problems. I doubt that the impact of this really grabs you people, but after 10 rejections of girls that I've thought suitable in returning any form of affection, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know what it is. The people I like I jokingly mock, as any shy admirer does. I am kind to them, and I try to get close to them. Something always goes wrong, perhaps I have a repulsive personality, my problems frighten them or I'm just not attractive to them physically. I don't know, but the outcome is almost always the same. I get rejected then someone I know gets a girl they've had their eye on. This has recently brought me to the point of just ignoring the opposite sex and dropping out of looking. Sex doesn't interest me, I just want a loving relationship with someone. I want to be loved, I want to be wanted, and I just want someone to be affectionate towards me. These fKitten Yiffers gradually had me take a look at my looks. I don't feel I'm too bad looking. I have a plain pale complexion, a somewhat cherubic face with girl hair. I'm moderatly tall, with a strong build, albeit I'm a little on the portly side. Oh, and lets not forget the profuse body hair. I think that when girls find out that I have chest hair, they get totally turned off. Though next to no one knows  My weight has fluctuated since grade 10. I was a very unhealthy 200 lbs of almost pure fat. A body fat rating of 25%. Not healthy, now I can run better, and my body fat is in the 16 or 17% range. I weight 180 lbs and I feel great. I just don't know what to think about girls and my body. I thought of myself as bi-sexual at one time, or of being afflicted by a fetish. I think that I'm just trying to come to grips with me not being a very good person to be with.Anyways, those are just a few problems. Things started looking up in January. I was going on a cruise with my family, my band was playing concerts, and I was just having lots of fun in general. My grades were falling, I was drinking. But I didn't care. I don't know why, but I didn't. Nothing got to me, I was finally content with being a social reject. I realized that as long as I was happy nothing should phase me. Too bad that all had to change. In May, I was informed of my slipping grades. I stressed out and did everything in my power to change them. But nothing really worked, I always did well in certain courses, in others I did poorly. This year, I did poorly in all of my courses. And I'll elaborate on all of this a little more. I found out that in English. I have a 27%. A VERY low mark to say the least. All of my other courses are between 50% and 70%. If that English grade doesn't come up, well I'm fucked permanently. And this is where all of that prior information is related to. All year, I just wallowed in self-pity or self-indulgence. It caught up to me when I didn't care, and only now do I care. If I don't get 35% in English this year, my life is ruined. I will not be able to attend university. My chances of getting into a out of the country college are slim to nihil. I'll be doomed, effectively. I'm not a very good craftsmen outside of welding. I can't really make a life out of other things, either. I'm a student. And that is what I need to do. If I can't get that 35, I repeat English. And that goes on my transcript in grade 11. A big fat red mark for the rest of my life. A big fat life runing red mark. Nothing that I do that I enjoy makes me happy. The fact that I'm an active politiquer, the fact I'm in a band. Nothing. I was faced by fKitten Yiffers before, but none so dire as this. Sorry for ragging, but it seems no one in real life cares. Edit:: Before any of you decides to say that failing a grade isn't the end of the world. This a core course, and according to my teachers, if you fail a core course, it says on all of your transcripts. That basically means that you are FUCKED when university application comes around. Even if you get 1000000*100000% the next time around, they don't care. You failed once and once is more than enough. (edited by EvillerLegion on 06-19-04 12:43 AM) |
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Kwan Doesn't have a valid sized userpic. ||bass will be pissed :(((((((( Level: 50  Posts: 596/1137 EXP: 937111 For next: 10206 Since: 03-15-04 From: Durkadurkastan! Since last post: 22 days Last activity: 2 days |
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| I can't offer any real advice unless I state the obvious. I guess all you can do is focus more of school and faze out everything else. I want to get away from my place too, and I know I can't do it until I finish school or university with decent grades. I'm not sure what you can do about your love life, apart from that I have the same views. I would rather have a loving relationship than a sexually based one. I'm not secure about my body either, I have eczema and I'm overweight, but I aim to go to the gym this summer. I guess if you want any changes in your life, find your own motivations. |
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Sofie Level: 52 Posts: 447/1210 EXP: 1028812 For next: 55028 Since: 03-15-04 Since last post: 187 days Last activity: 279 days |
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| When's your final exam? I know you're capable of cramming alot of knowledge in a short time, but it essentially boils down to you fucked up yourself, so you fix it yourself aswell. Just go all out, it's not that long anymore anyways. |
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alte Hexe Star Mario I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night Alive as you and me "But Joe you're ten years dead!" "I never died" said he "I never died!" said he Level: 99 Posts: 779/5458 EXP: 9854489 For next: 145511 Since: 03-15-04 From: ... Since last post: 2 hours Last activity: 2 hours |
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| Exam was on Monday. I studied like a biyatch, but it was all common sense questioning. I should've done relatively well. It was basic analyses of allegorical stories, a few articles and a didactic poem. | |||
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Sofie Level: 52 Posts: 448/1210 EXP: 1028812 For next: 55028 Since: 03-15-04 Since last post: 187 days Last activity: 279 days |
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Sounds alot like my last English exam  When do you know the grades? |
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alte Hexe Star Mario I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night Alive as you and me "But Joe you're ten years dead!" "I never died" said he "I never died!" said he Level: 99 Posts: 781/5458 EXP: 9854489 For next: 145511 Since: 03-15-04 From: ... Since last post: 2 hours Last activity: 2 hours |
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Originally posted by Sofie In two days I'll get my 'grade report' which basically tells me if I passed or not. On July somethingth, I get my actual report card. |
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Reid Hardhat Beetle Level 50 Bitches. Level: 37  Posts: 155/558 EXP: 322182 For next: 16071 Since: 03-15-04 Since last post: 6 days Last activity: 2 hours |
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| It sounds like that one little test is beasicly our future...I hope you did good enough. Sounds like it wasn't too hard... | |||
kiwibonga Double metal axe Level: 27  Posts: 129/266 EXP: 106040 For next: 10119 Since: 03-15-04 From: Montreal, QC, Canada Since last post: 126 days Last activity: 3 days |
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| In the french system, high school is 10th, 11th and 12th grade. I was in france when I was in 10th grade, I got a 10.41 out of 20, which means barely average. It was enough to get into the scientific program for 11th and 12th. In 11th grade, first trimester was 6.2/20, second trimester was 7.5/20, and third trimester was 8.6/20 -- Those grades were IMPOSSIBLY low. I liked to blame it on the fact that I moved to the US in the middle of december and that it was hard to catch up (I was in a french school in NY)... But that's complete bullcrap, I was just slacking off... I met a girl when I got there, yup, we went out for about 5 months until she had to go to france for university, it was really hard to think of something else than her ALL THE TIME. I repeated 11th grade, and did a lot of marijuana (an average of more than once a day for 4-5 months), it made me happy, cause when you do marijuana, you don't need to do homework, since the only reason you do homework is because you get screamed at by parents or teachers, but when you're stoned, do you give a shit? Anyways, I was repeating and still managed to fail... During the second trimester, my grade in french was EXACTLY 0/20 -- isn't it more fun to just say you didn't do your homework rather than actually doing it? By the time I realized I was a stupid moron ruining my life, I thought it was really too late, that I'd have to do an 11th grade for the 3rd time... Wouldn't have been so abnormal in a family where everyone I know screwed up education-wise... So I worked my ass off for the last trimester and got an 11.41/20 (Something like a C+) I went up to 12th grade... The grade where you spend a whole year studying for only one purpose: passing the Baccalaureate, the huge ass hard exam everyone in france has to pass if they want to be able to do anything in life, to have a shot at being that infamous "more qualified person" at job interviews that steals the failing student's jobs. Long story short, I got my grades up and passed 12th grade, my last trimester was a 12.41/20, and I got an 11.79/20 on the baccalaureate. See, on my transcript, it said I had repeated grade 11, that's not just 1 class, that's 8 or 9 classes! And yet I was able to make up for it, and got into Concordia in Montreal, which isn't so bad, sure McGill didn't accept me, but what I'm trying to say is, my grades were never excellent in school, yet I managed to pull through and get into a canadian university, even though I'm a citizen of france living in the US... Moreover, France and the US/Canada are very different. In the US, it's pretty common for someone to go back to college to add to their degree and whatnot... In France you don't get to do that, if you fail you'll rarely get a second chance, and you'll go through the easier, cheaper, frowned upon educational branches that don't get you a job that easily... So what I'm trying to say is.. You're still in high school, and everything is definitely not lost -- if you fail one class but the rest are ok, it's not the end of the world, I'm pretty sure there's still a lot of hope for you if you're willing to make the effort... Don't do drugs, don't worry about girls, I've been through similar experiences, and I'm positive that you can do it, even if you completely fucked up on that english exam. Yup. |
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Bella Ludwig Von Koopa You're Gonna Love Me Level: 76  Posts: 397/2962 EXP: 3891483 For next: 114577 Since: 03-29-04 From: Groovy Way Since last post: 8 min. Last activity: 6 min. |
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Well I hope you did well on your english exam. Don't focus on girls and stay away from those drugs. Get yourself back on track and ready to go into a University. Don't worry about anyone or anything else but yourself. You'll get through everything  |
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Xzolaz the Slayer Banned - Registered duplicate account Level: 14 Posts: 34/63 EXP: 11463 For next: 1608 Since: 05-26-04 From: Smalltown, USA Since last post: 492 days Last activity: 339 days |
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| As said above, stay the fuck away from those drugs. Its a waste of life and money. You've got to push yourself like no other, I know you can do it man. Hope you did well, make sure you post to tell us whats happening... |
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Ambigore Shyguy Level: 17 Posts: 54/95 EXP: 22388 For next: 2355 Since: 03-27-04 Since last post: 208 days Last activity: 10 days |
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| *smirk* Legion, university isn't everything. I learnt this lesson the hard way. I've met labourers who've worked for four years straight after HS and are on their way towards owning their own house. In contrast, within those same four years, I've graduated with a slip of paper, a huge debt on my hands, and intermettent work experience and I'm still struggling. University isn't everything. BELIEVE ME. You've got a variety of options at your disposal. Now you've certainly cut your options if you fail English, but you still have training providers available who can train you with various trades and machinery. As long as you have the $$$, your HS marks shouldn't matter. Personally, I regard university as bullshit. Unless you're *very* intellectual and intend to become a researcher, you're better off just doing straight-off work experience for four years in your interested field, rather than waste it in some lecture hall. EDIT: Exceptions would be if you wanted to be a professional and absolutely need tertiary qualifications, e.g. a doctor, dentist, lawyer, engineer, etc. But otherwise university isn't necessary. (edited by Ambigore on 06-23-04 06:08 AM) |
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alte Hexe Star Mario I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night Alive as you and me "But Joe you're ten years dead!" "I never died" said he "I never died!" said he Level: 99 Posts: 811/5458 EXP: 9854489 For next: 145511 Since: 03-15-04 From: ... Since last post: 2 hours Last activity: 2 hours |
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| I want to go to university because I want to learn...Lots. | |||
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Ambigore Shyguy Level: 17 Posts: 55/95 EXP: 22388 For next: 2355 Since: 03-27-04 Since last post: 208 days Last activity: 10 days |
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| I don't think you can be prohibited from attending university lectures, even if you haven't paid. So if you want, rock up to a lecture, sit in the back, and no-one will know that you're a freeloader. The only thing is that you won't be assesssed, but you can still learn if that's what you want. You'll probably won't be able to attend labs, tutorials, or workshops though. They usually check for your student ID, although that isn't always the case. And you'll probably need login details if you're using a computer. If you're a freeloader, obviously this will be impossible to obtain. But basically, you should be free to attend lectures and learn if that's what you really want. |
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psilocybin Goomba Level: 9  Posts: 8/25 EXP: 2741 For next: 421 Since: 07-09-04 From: Inside my head Since last post: 465 days Last activity: 224 days |
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| Whoa dude, you did Ketamine? That's some brutal chemical right there, same with the coke, might wanna steer clear of that jazz. The LSD probably isn't a good idea when you're depressed either, but it's not going to kill you or really do much of anything to you physically. Consciousness expansion isn't a good plan while you've got a bad head. As for your grades, don't worry. A university acceptance is not your only hope of a higher education. There are these lovely institutions called Community Colleges that pretty much have open-door policies when it comes to admissions. Take care of your first two years at a community college and the transfer to a 4 year school as a junior is a breeze. Hell, you don't even need a diploma... my neighbor and longtime friend dropped out of Highschool, got his GED, and went on to get his masters degree in civil engineering. Nobody is ever royally fucked in these modern societies that we're in today, and giving up is like a slap in the face to the people who're not as lucky as you to have been born in such a fortunate situation as the one you're in(free education, roof over your head, food, and clean water). My advice is to pack up all the videogames, television, drugs, and other distractions out of your life for the time being. If what you want is to pass this class, you need to focus. Get all of your homework done, don't screw off in class, and bug the teacher about extra credit every opportunity you get. If you let your instructor know how important it is to you that you pass this class and show effort, he/she will be very reluctant to fail you. If worse comes to worst and you do fail, it's not the end of the world either, like I said there's community colleges available for you. Don't give up champ, the world is your oyster. You just gotta grab it by the balls and take charge, don't piss away irrecoverable amounts of time with nintendo and whatnot while you have important shit to do. (edited by psilocybin on 07-09-04 03:28 AM) |
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Kahunah Paratroopa Level: 20  Posts: 3/155 EXP: 42288 For next: 151 Since: 07-10-04 From: Whitby, ON, Canada Since last post: 441 days Last activity: 339 days |
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| hey man, whats up from Whitby. anyways i've had a bunch of friends who have managed to fail grade 12 courses. in actual fact it is only the grade 12 courses that schools look at for your acceptance. I myself have failed many courses do to a lack of motivation...probably because i smoke pot and drink regularly and i'd much rather do that then anything else. my life has been showered with family, peers, and mentors saying "you're doing nothing with your life and you'll go nowhere because of it". to my surprise i was accepted into Carlton Univeristy in Ottawa for software engineering which is cool and is something that i would like to do. it may not be out of the country but its far enough away from oshawa, whitby and the rest of durham. have fun but don't stray from the path in grade 12 too far because that and only that is what really matters man. i've got TONS of red marks and alerts on my transcripts and i still did it somehow...if i can do it man...you can too! good luck. |
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