Posts by Kawa - Board 2

1. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
A: More styrofoam, ofcourse!

2. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
A: Lines in the sand.

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A: Those are words with radically different meanings, so the question is moot. Moot still enjoys infancy and you get bonus points for punnery.

4. Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?
A: Hamster Jelly.

5. How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
A: It gets worse.

6. How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
A: Any amount at all, as long as you confess and say your hail marys.

7. How young can you die of old age?
A: Considering that to die of old age concerns the systematic self-shutdown of various body parts, there may be one or two diseases that cause the same symptoms that younger people may catch. Ofcourse, then the question is, did that young person die of "old age" or of oldagerhosis?

8. Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?
A: In Analretentivistan, you can.

9. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
A: Yes.

10. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
A: That's economics for ya. Even the experts wouldn't be able to answer!

11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
A: Because that's not why we work. We work in terrific jobs (or hope to) so we enjoy it and do it better. They pay you for working because it's a service/reward system.

12. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
A: The first "2" refers to the kind of pencil, which is the best kind. Switching the order of pencil kinds around so the number 2 is 1 would only cause confusion.

13. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
A: Again, a punny confusion of meaning. In fact, the correct word is antE-pasta, which is what you eat before the main course, which is the pasta.

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
A: You have become Death, destroyer of worlds.

15. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
A: Yes.

16. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
A: Silencers are overrated.

17. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
A: No. One is a physical process. The other is non-physical bullshit, most likely related to the concept of baptism.

18. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
A: You have just demonstrated the impossibility of that concept.

19. Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
A: In my car's trunk.

20. Will your answer to this question be no?
A: Fuck you.

21. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?
A: Oh gog, this question. Okay, here goes. Homo Sapiens (that's us, stop giggling) is a member of the Great Apes. We did not evolve from the monkey and ape species that are around today, but from a much earlier common ancestor. This single... let's call it Proto-Ape species had its population split for whatever good reason (or reasons, perhaps several times). Proto-Ape population A was left to evolve into the various ape species that didn't already exist by then, while Proto-Ape population B separately developed into the first human ancestor species.

22. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?
A: Could be if they were trying to be ironic. Most of them are just the Ghost of Christmas Laziness though.

23. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
A: Depends on what he's saying. There's no woman around to misjudge his statements, but two plus two still equals four, no matter what.

24. Is there another word for synonym?
A: Synonym.com says "Sorry, I could not find synonyms for 'synonym'."

25. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
A: In Dutch, they call it a praktijk, which is harder to confuse with "oefening". It's only possibly unnerving in English, and maybe some other languages with such warts.

26. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
A: Hahahahahah!

27. If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?
A: Is that what they call it nowadays? "Choke a Smurf"?

28. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
A: Hamster Jelly. Also, he's a fictional character. It's called willing suspension of disbelief.

29. If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
A: It stays that way by itself, like Saiyan hair. This does not mean Dracula is a Saiyan. Also, they're fictional characters. It's called fridge logic.

30. Do good S&M fans go to Hell?
A: No.

31. If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?
A: They're not fat, they're just big boned!

32. If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
A: It would be considered a reason to bust your balls.

33. How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
A: They are placed there before the grass grows.

34. Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it?
A: Yes, and then he'd eat it anyway.

35. Do we make bombs better or worse?
A: Better for those who want to use it. Worse for those who get to experience the result.

36. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
A: Because their wool is in a different state.

37. If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?
A: Hard to tell, isn't it?

38. Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book?
A: Considering the fact that, according to Google Image Search, "Reading for Dummies" is only seen in parodies, and the closest actually available book is "Speed Reading for Dummies", which concerns a specific technique, the question is again moot.

39. If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?
A: It's called a figure of speech. But no, you don't.

40. If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?
A: Eeeeeeeeey

41. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
A: Because they are frauds. Every single one of them. Sure, if you ask one they'll probably say something bullshitty like "that would be an abuse of my AWSUM PSYCHIC POWARZ" or "the spirits don't work that way"... but that just opens up a whole nother can of worms.

42. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
A: Because linguists are cunning.

43. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
A: I always had this nagging feeling you copypasted this just to fuck with MM. This clinches it. But anyway, enough people had asked this very question about 95, 98, ME, 2000 and XP that in Vista, the Start button is no longer labelled as such. But stupidly, it still has "Start" in the tooltip... odd.

44. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A: Because the producers are a bunch of assholes.

45. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A: He invests all of your money.

46. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A: Because everyone is in a rush to get where they want, all at the same time. Business hours...

47. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
A: Define mouse-flavored beyond "tastes like mice".

48. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A: Students who need some quick cash.

49. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A: On one hand, they could fly and would therefore not drown. On the other, because it never happened.

50. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A: Because those people are crazy. Alternatively, because you want the victim to die of the stuff in the injection, not from some crazy-ass unforeseen inFection.

51. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A: That's a very good question.

52. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
A: What can I say? They're women!

53. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
A: You and your copypasted figures of speech...

54. If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
A: Irony.

55. Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
A: Why do you get off when you get turned on?

56. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
A: Whoever first asked this copypasted question must've been at least twenty times as autistic as I supposedly am.

57. Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?
A: You mean raindrops fall. As does snow. They call it rainfall, numpnuts.

58. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
A: Not his area of expertise.

59. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A: Hamster Jelly. And this time I'm serious.

60. Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," when afterward, it doesn't work anymore?
A: That's a euphemism. People don't feel right saying they're getting their dogs nuts mangled, so they come up with some dumbass phrase, and it stuck.

61. If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?
A: Are they open 24/7? If not, there are days that they're not open, be it 24 hours or less.

62. If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?
A: No.

63. Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?
A: You're not auspisticing hard enough.

64. Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
A: Og.

65. If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?
A: That's not schizophrenia, that's ~~multiple~~ dissociative personality disorder! Schizos hear voices. DPDs are the voices.

66. Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?
A: They were, however, High and Mighty.

67. If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound?
A: Mimes don't make sounds, numpnuts.

68. What is the speed of darkness?
A: Inapplicable.

69. If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?
A: Physically speaking, yes.

70. Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
A: Again, because of cunning linguists. Seriously though, it's Greek: "ὀνοματοποιία". "ὄνομα" for "name" and "ποιέω" for "I make".

71. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
A: Deep enough for the old man.

72. Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?
A: You are a punny man, Original Asker.

73. Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?
A: Irony.

74. What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?
A: Nothing at all.

75. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
A: No. In all seriousness, they'll stop synchronizing and try to help the drowning one. YOU ARE A BAD MAN!

76. Why is minimalism such a big word?
A: Again, irony.

77. If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat's back?
A: Either you get a buttered cat in perfect equilibrium, the world explodes in a puff of paradoxical logic or you get killed by a pissed kitty.

78. What'd happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?
A: Hospital visit.

79. Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?
A: You miss the point.

80. Do fish get thirsty?
A: No.

81. If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?
A: Because you copypaste huge lists of stupid questions.

82. Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
A: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NobodyPoops

83. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
A: Timing.

84. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A: No. That'd be silly.

85. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
A: See, copypasta!

86. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
A: Too expensive, be it financially or physically (think weight).

87. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
A: Yes.

88. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A: No, it'd be called a Textbook Example of Child Cruelty.

89. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A: Yes.

90. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A: They have to, irony be damned.

91. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A: They have to, stupidity be damned.

92. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A: Not. The sign's there for the drivers' benefit so they know that in that general area, deer tend to cross. Not necessarily at the sign.

93. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A: Buttered cats.

94. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
A: A cunning, but also cruel linguist. The same thing can be said of what lisps were known as historically, "sigmatism".

95. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
A: How punny. In all seriousness though... first attested in English 1398, the word hemmorrhoid derives from the Old French "emorroides", from Latin "hæmorrhoida -ae", in turn from the Greek "αἱμορροΐς" (haimorrhois), "liable to discharge blood", from "αἷμα" (haima), "blood" + "ῥόος" {rhoos), "stream, flow, current", itself from "ῥέω" (rheo), "to flow, to stream".

96. Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?
A: Because people used to nab the pens. Doors are harder to nab.

97. Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?
A: It's the popular choice.

98. Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines?
A: Woo duplication!

99. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
A: It's not copyrighted. Whatever gave you that idea?

100. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
A: You can't expect all possible unexpectancies.

BOOYAH!

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