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04-28-24 09:50 PM |
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| Main - Writing - Poem. | New thread | New reply |
| Snow Tomato |
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Newcomer Level: 8 Posts: 6/7 EXP: 1467 Next: 720 Since: 02-20-07 From: Staten Island, NYC Last post: 6254 days Last view: 6254 days |
We saw the physics the physical witness
the embers and ashes the crashes and sickness We heard the airwaves stifled by hand grenades hanging in the air between hobos and palisades a silent story short but gory one of hera's fallen glory not far from ithaca not close as tories not nearly as fearless as nations warring but between the ripples spread out and boring into holes between tree trunks tells his stories story. ---- Basically my style of writing seems very eclectic and unorganized to me... the structure seems very organized but the thoughts are kind of scatter-patter (if you will). I was wondering if anybody could follow my train of thought. Maybe I need to spend more time on one point... elaborating on just one thing rather than going off into a tangent about a variety of topics. I'm not sure but I'm hurting for some real constructive criticism. Thank you so much [= |
| Ice Penguin |
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 Popo Level: 51 Posts: 321/539 EXP: 991435 Next: 22503 Since: 02-20-07 From: Kasuto Last post: 4791 days Last view: 4791 days |
I liked it. It was fun to read! I'll be honest, I didn't really pay attention to what was in the poem, I just thought the flow was fun!
Edit: Sorry for the lack of constructive citicism.  |
| Lordlazer |
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 Paragoomba Level: 22 Posts: 2/77 EXP: 53444 Next: 4906 Since: 03-13-07 Last post: 6129 days Last view: 4851 days |
The flow of this poem was my kind of style;
the rhymes, word choices...some kind of guile? Homer's Odyssey, my only guess; as you referenced ithaca, else you digressed...? |
| Gideon Zhi |
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Paragoomba Level: 22 Posts: 28/78 EXP: 54585 Next: 3765 Since: 02-19-07 Last post: 3261 days Last view: 3258 days |
It's good, but you're tripping over your feet a bit too much for my liking. Your best lines are iambic, but quite a few seem disorganized; this causes the brain to stumble a little as it's reading.
In particular, where x is an unstressed syllable and / is stressed...
It's approximate, and I might have mismarked it once or twice, but I think you get the idea - the first two lines roll really well as iambic quatrameter (unstressed syllables followed by stressed) but the meter for the two lines that follow really seems haphazard. You can do as you like, but with the establishment of a particular metric form in the first lines, I would personally expect it to continue. Altering the number of feet per line is a fun trick which you can use to set segments apart. Lines 5 and 6 are a fantastic example of this - the switch from quatrameter to trimeter marks an interesting shift, giving the internal reader a mental pause, but the disorganization of the feet in the third and fourth line just rubs me the wrong way. Recommendation: Use more iambs! Alter the number of feet per line if you want to set something apart, but if you're establishing a particular metric structure early on, please do try to stick with it... unless you're deliberately deviating for effect, which I think can be better accomplished through the variation of the number of feet instead of the syllabic disorganization apparent in the third and fourth lines. I really like the rhymes you're using; it's just the structure what's off. |
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