Copy-editing

Posted by waverace123

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PROLOGUE

I was six years old. (Sentence fragment.)
My Father raised his staff high into the air. It shimmered, creating an enormous destructive whirlwind. But It wasn’t real(Don't start sentences with conjunctions. That doesn't make sense, and it's wordy.); father would never use his power over the wind to create something that was too dangerous for me. (Sentences merged for stylistic purposes.) I clapped, for the whirlwind was probably the coolest thing I had (Inconsistent tense; changed to the more commonly used past tense.) ever seen in my life. (Paragraphs merged for stylistic purposes.)

Father handed me the staff, saying that it was time for me to use my first wind spell. I was hesitant at first, thinking about the chance of screwing everything up. Eventually, though, I held onto the staff tightly, and let myself get that empowered feeling as if I ruled the world. I observed the area we were in. A nice, comfy grassland with no distractions – perfect for learning spells due to the fact there were very little distracters here. (Distracters is not a word. You definitely mean distractions. For stylistic reasons, it makes more sense to put this at the start.) Father had always told me to take a deep breath before I performed my very first spell of the day. I had noted in my mind. (This sentence is awkward and the content is implied already - it serves no purpose. It's wordy.) I inhaled sharply (This was very awkward English.), exhaled, and I (subject is implicit.) pointed the staff forward.

“Now, I want you to chant the eighth spell from book one,” he said. (He never gave explicit speech before - it's makes little sense to say that he continued, or to phrase his statement as though he had.)

I paused in small thought for a few seconds and then chanted the spell. Nothing. My excitement began to decease. After all of the training I had (Inconsistent tense) been through, after all of the sweats I had (tense) broke, coming this far to fail would destroy me. (Paragraphs merged for stylistic purposes.)

“Jake,” Father said, “you must let go of your tension. Relieve yourself of all of the anger that bottles deep inside you.”

I took a second deep breath, relaxed my body (tense, awkward language), and then (wordy) attempted the spell again.
This time, my arms began to feel like rubber, and (comma splice) I felt the vibrations of my staff throughout my body.
The winds blew fiercely, (awkward) but then (wordy) calmed after fifteen seconds. “Very good,” he said.

Suddenly, I began to feel weary.

“Are you all right, Jake? Remember, you must always be able to recover from each spell you activate.” I heard his words, but I (subject is slightly ambiguous due to use of both I and his; for style, it's better to clarify.) could not understand them. I felt a (casual) sudden, extreme desire to kill (style). The sky darkened and lightning bolts began to touch down in random places, not far away.

“Jake, snap out of it,” said the Ajen that stood beside me (style). He shook me slightly, but I no longer had control of myself. (tense, style) The energy within my body had taken over. (tense)

I raised my staff high into the air, and a (style) bolt of lightning hit the top of it. The Ajen beside me seemed frozen. I saw disbelief all over his face, but my murderous emotion disallowed me to care. I pointed the staff at him.

“Jake!”

He rushed at me, determined to strike, but (style, conjunction) it was too late. A large crackling sound roared from my staff, and it began to buzz loudly. (style) The flash of white light formed into a bolt of lightning and struck the ajen in the head. (What flash of white light? Rephrase this.) Tears rolled off my cheeks but I didn’t know why. I was emotionless. My desire to kill continued to increase, but it all ended when I fell to the ground, unconscious. (style)

“Quick, we have very little time,” the queen said. She held the hand of a young Ajona as they hurried outside of an enormous white castle.
They stopped outside of the front doors. The Queen took out a purple gemstone from her pocket.

“This is the Spirit Jewel,” she said. “But mommy,” asked the young Ajona, “what am I supposed to do with that?(ambiguous speaker)" “Hush honey,” replied the queen. “This jewel holds half of your power. When you are older you must release your essence and –”

A creature wearing a white cape appeared from nowhere, running at a supernatural speed. He swiped the gem from the Ajona’s hand and vanished.

The queen fell to her knees and wept. Her crown glistened from the rays of the sun. “Mommy, don’t cry,” said the young Ajona. “We’ll get it back.” The queen wiped away her tears and kissed the young one on the forehead. “Lina, your father mustn’t hear about this,” she replied, trying not to cry. (Condensed.)

Lina nodded. Just then, a guard rushed out of the gates and to the queen.

“Zar has come for the child,” he spoke in a loud, panicked voice. (awkward language).

“Oh no,” (cliche - should probably reword) cried the queen. She snapped her fingers and the guard handed her a wand. She waved it, causing small ball of light to dart from the tip and hit the ground. It formed into a blue door.

“Lina, remember, your father and I will always love you,” the queen spoke. “Mommy, I don’t wanna go.” said Lina. The queen replied, “You will have to live with your Aunt Becky. You will not be able to have memory of this castle nor return until your destiny has been fulfilled.” Lina was worried. “Please, mommy,” she cried. The queen replied tearfully. “I’m sorry, Honey. Let Deston be with you.” (Condensed.)

The door opened, (style) and Lina was sucked inside by a mysterious force.

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You frequently render speech in a paragraph per line format. This just feels ameteurish and quickly leads to ambiguities. Putting single lines alone in a paragraph emphasizes them, but your intention in the vast majority of the cases where you apply this style is clearly not emphasis. A novel is not a script, and should not read like one.

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Pay attention. This will be on the test.