Character Profile

[00:41] michael stark [00:41] mind if i use that name for something? [01:01] <@Stark> Not if it's Iron Man fanfiction

~~Well, I had to do a character profile for school. It needs to be 1000 words, and I only have 560. It's also due tomorrow... I'm running short on ways to drag this around, so~~ I figured I'd toss it up here. The character is roughly based on board members, with the hatred for children added in without basis.

EDIT: Done. Also, I really don't know what the purpose behind this paper was, it exists solely so I can pass the class.

Short, white, and bald: those are likely the first three things to come to mind when a person first lays eyes on Michael Stark. Standing at just over five feet, he is often looked down on by his peers. His baldness is often covered with a cheap auburn-colored women’s wig, the hair of which reaches toward the middle of his back (the irony of his baldness is that the rest of his body is covered in a disgusting and thick black hair). He prefers not to wear shoes even while in public, and as a result his feet have become covered with scars left by the perforations of nails, tacks, and other paraphernalia people drop near his feet when looking for a few cheap laughs. He rarely wears matching clothes, opting instead for polka-dots, stripes, and plaid designs. His eyes have grown sullen and dark after years of disrespect, and any inhibitions to scaring small children with his gaze have slowly melted away.

Since he quite willing to admit now that he fails at life, he spends much of his time locked away playing obscure Japanese video games in his mother’s basement. By his side he always keeps a cup of strawberry milk, and a bottle of cheap wine (he is a self-professed alcoholic). When the games start getting dull, he either moves on to his obscure Japanese anime-movies, or to practicing martial arts moves in the hopes he will one day get into a fist fight. Although he is an alcoholic, Stark takes no drugs and does not chew tobacco. He is however, very fond of pipe-smoking dense, cube-cut, leaf tobacco, though only next to vents.

Like any disrespectable citizen, Stark has himself somewhat of a criminal record. Beyond the simple traffic violations and indecent exposure complaints, Stark has been accused of several occasions of public drunkenness. Once while in a drunken stupor, he wandered into the school next door (only twenty feet from his house), and was eventually caught stealing bagged lunches from a kindergarten class. While one might be inclined to think such actions would garner at the least a petty theft charge, the allegations didn’t pan out, and Stark managed to avoid charges altogether by avoiding the conventional court systems in favor of an inquisitional court. Since it’s difficult to gather information from a crime committed shortly before the perpetrator blacked out, the case was tossed and Stark was fined a measly three dollars to cover the cost of the sandwich he ate.

Despite that you may have mentally labeled this man a loser; he lives quite a weekend-life. On the weekend he takes some of the welfare money he swindles from the state, and heads to his favorite nightclub. He sheds his polka-dot-striped attire, and opts instead for an outfit one might call “trendy”, and an actual pair of shoes. All the “regulars” at the club can recognize him from a distance, and usually respond by yelling his name. Stark eats the attention up, and feigns superiority over everyone else. After hours of dancing with anything hominoid, Stark spends the rest of his allotted money buying his “target” booze. From there his night takes an obvious turn, and usually ends with him waking up in the backyard of the local nursing home.

The combinations of his weekends and his weeks have given Stark a distorted personality. He retains his superior-air, even while doing things as menial as grocery shopping (in the only store that will allow him not to wear shoes). As a result, most people who meet him initially give him some rather offensive labels, until they realize the extent of his situation, at which point they no longer care. While most people are willing to overlook his pretentious personality, Stark learned quickly that police officers are not among them; he has spent the last three years pushing back a trial for public drunkenness (on a different occasion than the one listed earlier). Another unique point about Stark’s behavior is his intense hatred of anything he personally deems stupid.

His behavior is so widely frowned upon, that for about the last five years, there has been a coalition of local mothers attempting to force Stark to move away from the schoolyard. They have been rather unsuccessful, despite that the school is the only in the area to employ a “Stark-Drill”; the equivalent of a lock-down, but with the students hiding under their desks like an earthquake, and the fire alarms ringing.
When he’s not cheating a system for disadvantaged Americans or playing his videogames, Stark spends his time online chatting in various dead-end forums about his videogames, which are typically filled with a bunch of twelve year old kids. The debates get fierce at times, but Stark prevails no matter how depraved an argument he must resort to (“Maybe you’re right, but at least my parents love me!”).

In his free time (the time not spent collecting welfare, playing games, or destroying the confidence of young kids) Stark attends an online college where he is trying to earn a degree in art, and eventually become a pixel artist. He is among the most promising students, which has caused him to regard himself as somewhat of a prodigy. The rest of the world still thinks he’s a jackass, but that has little bearing on his self-centered way of thinking.

On a whole, Stark is a very unique individual, who accepts nobody’s way of thinking except his own. Though many of the problems in his life are the reciprocation of his treatment at the hands of the world, he openly admits that some of his problems have no basis in prior events (his hatred of children) and have been present since his childhood (his hatred of children). Though it’s not an outright advantage, Stark’s stubborn nature makes it easier for him to achieve his goals; a list of which currently includes: moving out of his mother’s basement, graduating college, getting a job, and learning to put up with children.

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Design © 2009 Stark
Once for the Super Dave TV show I was the stuntman that fell down the entire wtc stairwell. ~ jargon