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05-02-24 03:00 PM |
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| Main - Writing - Resonance (horror/mystery, in-progress draft) | New thread | New reply |
| Rydain |
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 Red Paratroopa Level: 31 Posts: 148/165 EXP: 167976 Next: 17387 Since: 02-20-07 From: State College, PA Last post: 6120 days Last view: 6094 days |
I wrote the first draft of this for NaNoWriMo 2005. I liked the basic story arc and some of the ideas I came up with, but by and large, the second draft was a complete rewrite. I'm at a point where I could use general feedback and ideas on what might go well in the obviously marked part in the middle. I already know how it will end, but I'm not sure how I'll get there from the end of the draft. 
The draft is around 18,000 words. I can't promise that it is piss your pants scary, but I hope it is at least spooky and interesting. I'd rate it PG-13. There's swearing but little gore/explicit ickiness. That's not my style. Resonance - 20070525 draft - PDF, 592k The link will eventually expire. If you find this thread after that and want to read the story, email me at rydain at gmail dot com. |
| Hiryuu |
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Done. Level: 79 Posts: 1022/1471 EXP: 4471757 Next: 107710 Since: 02-19-07 From: ??? Last post: 6092 days Last view: 6085 days |
I'll take a look at it when I get home but I have the feeling that if I do that...I'll be looking at it all night and I won't get a chance to get -my- stuff up and done.
Meh, I can always push my stuff back to tomorrow; I have that day off anyways... [will edit/post on read] |
| Rydain |
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Red Paratroopa Level: 31 Posts: 149/165 EXP: 167976 Next: 17387 Since: 02-20-07 From: State College, PA Last post: 6120 days Last view: 6094 days |
Thanks in advance. Everyone else I sent this to hasn't gotten around to reading it yet, and I sent it last month.  Please don't feel pressured to do some super detailed red pen critique. I can handle Simon Cowell-esque feedback, but I don't want to keep you up all night or anything. |
| Hiryuu |
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Done. Level: 79 Posts: 1023/1471 EXP: 4471757 Next: 107710 Since: 02-19-07 From: ??? Last post: 6092 days Last view: 6085 days |
[shrugs] Hey, I know how it goes. I have a handful of people reading my 220+ page work as it goes from 2004. Not too many people want to get their hands on something over 1000 words, much less this far.
I, on the other hand, don't go for that. I can't stand having something that doesn't hold my attention for a good period. If it's a week or so of reading something, then I found something good.  |
| Hiryuu |
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Done. Level: 79 Posts: 1024/1471 EXP: 4471757 Next: 107710 Since: 02-19-07 From: ??? Last post: 6092 days Last view: 6085 days |
Way to cliff-hang on page 30. You suck. 
Well, I've looked over it over the past three and a half hours or so and it isn't half bad. You can take a look at the notes I've scribbled by quoting the post. It's pretty intriguing but it's also a bit confusing at times too. That could very well be my lack of comprehension but towards the end it does throw me for a loop or too and tends to be slightly harsh on my reading skills. I'd give it a 7 thus far. It seems that it's definitely leading somewhere and there's a few areas that I wouldn't mind seeing opened up a bit more than they are. Some of it just feels forced or pushed forward too fast. Perhaps this is intentional in the 'she' that we're dealing with. qfm |
| Rydain |
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Red Paratroopa Level: 31 Posts: 150/165 EXP: 167976 Next: 17387 Since: 02-20-07 From: State College, PA Last post: 6120 days Last view: 6094 days |
Thank you for the detailed feedback.  at the reaction to the cliffhanger. I'm going to take that as a compliment, and I'll make sure that the next version of the draft you get at least has the story finished.
The parts with missing/weird punctuation are supposed to contain dashes. Some of them magically vanished when I copied and pasted this from Google Docs. I thought I got them all before I saved as a PDF. Oops. I included the INFO DUMP because I'm looking for ideas of something else she can do there. And I can really use examples of what parts feel rushed and what parts do not. The original rough draft led the character around by her nose and put her through all manner of ridiculous video game-style deus ex machina obstacles. I was trying to make this draft feel like more natural exploration. I was concerned that it would seem rushed in spots, as I erred on the side of being too terse. (The rough draft was a rambling adverb-fest.) Would it make a major difference if I fleshed out some places with a bit more description and general poking around? This would provide more opportunity for internal monologue, too, which would address some more of your feedback. Quote this for the spoilerific responses. |
| Hiryuu |
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Done. Level: 79 Posts: 1027/1471 EXP: 4471757 Next: 107710 Since: 02-19-07 From: ??? Last post: 6092 days Last view: 6085 days |
In regards to the quote:
There were some points where the description length went fairly well; most of it was at the start and felt unforced. Near the middle and towards the end felt more forced or to the point where the character really didn't have much in terms of the feeling aspect. It's kind of weird to explain but it felt as if she was really controlled to do things rather than she was really doing it herself and it just felt that she was rushing from one area to the next after that point, which started to kick down the reading a bit. I kinda figured that's how you wanted to do the insanity bit but it seemed a bit underdeveloped. The intro starts out decently but then deteriorates a bit and just leaves the reader (and probably the character) tired throughout it. I understand your Blair Witch concern, but I think it would do you good for her to act a bit more natural. She seems to be about what you were describing. From what I gathered from observations of just knowing to be aware of draining the battery at the beginning to other observant things of the character, she strikes me as highly intelligent and observant, somewhat of a strong personality and yet not at the same time...it just kinda makes me wonder how she didn't start with anyone else around with her or the fact that she carries no ties enough for her to buy a cell phone, let's say, which wouldn't have done her much good given her circumstances anyways. I can kind of deduce what kind of character I have here but it still feels not quite right, as if something was missing from the description. It felt more of an insert of yourself (which most shorts like this tend to be that I read, but this one's quite a bit more developed and isn't meant to run it as much). I wonder if it's at all necessary to not mention her name or to give her more of a personality. Perhaps you feel that maybe giving her this would work against you or that you'd have a lot to contend with? I'm not exactly sure how you want to do this. The end of it was definitely a head-scratcher. You did what you wanted to but it did mess with me to the point of going 'ow?' in terms of how the paragraphs went from one thing to another. Then again, this is exactly what you may be shooting for anyways, considering the mental state she's going through. Just makes me wonder if it was -over- done. That's really a matter of what you like in that one and it works fine. The only thing I kinda hated about it was the way it abruptly cut in with the way the sentences/paragraphs were structured. That's just personal preference, really. Overall, the concept is a good one. Nothing too basic but nothing too hard to grasp either. I'd just pick around with it a little bit more. If you're anything like me, thinking it over days and weeks will give you a clearer understanding of what you want to do with it. I tend to take some time with mine just for the sake that I know I -have- to think about it...otherwise it looks like a big stinking pile of donkey doo. Anyways, ramble ramble. |
| Rydain |
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Red Paratroopa Level: 31 Posts: 151/165 EXP: 167976 Next: 17387 Since: 02-20-07 From: State College, PA Last post: 6120 days Last view: 6094 days |
I couldn't help it...I started poking at the draft already. I think that some basic descriptions of thoughts and physical sensations should make things seem more concrete. I'm also keeping in mind that she gets tired and she won't want to walk an unlimited distance all at once. Does this excerpt represent more of what you're looking for with regard to character reactions and taking a more natural pace (as opposed to rushing around from Point A to Point B)? This is early on, and you should be able to place it. I didn't quote it because it's not really that spoiler-tastic.
* * * * * She closed the book and replaced it on the shelf, not particularly caring to look at it any more. As a kid, she'd doodled all over her share of books. Who hadn't? Small children weren't exactly known for taking fastidious care of their possessions. But it didn't take Sherlock to tell the difference between typical juvenile vandalism and the systemic destruction of this particular book. Maybe she was tired from walking around all day, and maybe the silent dark of the basement was getting to her, but something felt strange in her head. She wadded up her sweatshirt into a pillow and stretched out on a couch. Her feet hung over the arm, and the material itched her bare arms. None of that prevented her from drifting off into a nap. She woke up before remembering where she was, and she almost rolled off the couch before she caught herself. Though she felt as if she had slept for a good few hours, she got the inexplicable idea that time hadn't passed at all. She figured she must have only dozed off for a few minutes - which would explain why the sunbeams had neither brightened nor dimmed - but it seemed to be more than that. The air felt still in some way she couldn't place. Stopped, almost. Cut off from the rest of the world. Apart from the bizarre book, the church basement had felt decently comfortable. Now she had no desire to hang around. She left the church and went off to try more houses. Someone would have to be home. And what if they aren't? Let's not think about that. She walked street after street without luck. Her knocks on random doors went unanswered, and all of the houses seemed to be deserted in the same way. Without exception, windows were covered and doors were shut. The neighborhood gave no response to her calls for help. And she still had not seen a single car parked anywhere. The town seemed to have tucked itself away for storage. Even after darkness fell, no lights appeared beyond the curtains and blinds. A tiny drop landed on her head. Another touched her hand. And another fell, and another, and her flashlight caught silver streaks of rain. She shrugged it off until the drizzle broke into a downpour and sent her scrambling for the nearest covered porch. She put her backpack down as a makeshift cushion between her butt and cold concrete and waited for the worst of the weather to subside. For a light to go on in the living room window behind her. For a miracle. At first, it wasn't so bad. Fine sprays of rainwater blew into her face from time to time, but it beat getting drenched. And then the wind picked up with a chill knife edge. She put her sweatshirt back on. It didn't seem to help. Maybe it was her imagination, desperate for anything distinctive in this all-encompassing curtain of driving rain, but she swore she could see her breath. Once she thought she saw something else. She jumped up and called out and waved her flashlight. The rain continued to fall without comment. "Is anybody there?" Nothing. She opened her mouth and screamed her fool head off. Any minute now, a light would go on. Any minute now, a window would open. She might get hollered at for waking someone up, but she'd think they would be sympathetic. By the time she got it through her head that nobody was around to hear her, she'd nearly gone hoarse. She shut her mouth, dropped onto the porch hard enough to bump her tailbone, and tried her damndest not to cry. |
| Xkeeper |
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Level: 105 Posts: 2358/2846 EXP: 12034154 Next: 228106 Since: 02-19-07 Last post: 6066 days Last view: 2803 days |
I tried reading it, got up to two or three pages in, lost interest.
To be honest, a lot of it is environment (I do not like PDFs at all, .txt is fine for this... especially since I prefer light on dark and not black on blinding white), as well as general overall distractions... then again, reading something under "horror" when you're already the kind of chicken who leaves the lights on when nobody's home 
(Note: reply delayed 40 minutes) ____________________ I dealt with it. |
| Hiryuu |
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Done. Level: 79 Posts: 1042/1471 EXP: 4471757 Next: 107710 Since: 02-19-07 From: ??? Last post: 6092 days Last view: 6085 days |
Much better.
Depending on how you want the character to -really- react is going to really be what should drive you in terms of editing the whole story. At the same time, you don't want to give too much away...I know that you're trying to come from a standpoint where you're wanting to keep the reader interested but at the same time you're not trying to divulge so much that they won't really be surprised when they find something out. It's kinda sucky that you have to hold off for so long before you can actually get to said point, I know, but as long as you give enough details that doesn't make the reader go 'wut?' then you're fine. I'd say another runthrough of what you have now would be good.
EDIT: Ryd, he's also a freaking scaredy-cat and his grandparents aren't home. He probably has nightlights on for a purpose. |
| Xkeeper |
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Level: 105 Posts: 2359/2846 EXP: 12034154 Next: 228106 Since: 02-19-07 Last post: 6066 days Last view: 2803 days |
We don't have nightlights  ____________________ I dealt with it. |
| Hiryuu |
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Done. Level: 79 Posts: 1044/1471 EXP: 4471757 Next: 107710 Since: 02-19-07 From: ??? Last post: 6092 days Last view: 6085 days |
You're a wuss. |
| Xkeeper |
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Level: 105 Posts: 2360/2846 EXP: 12034154 Next: 228106 Since: 02-19-07 Last post: 6066 days Last view: 2803 days |
Just because I like to have a general idea of where I'm going does not mean I'm a wuss! ____________________ I dealt with it. |
| Rydain |
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Red Paratroopa Level: 31 Posts: 152/165 EXP: 167976 Next: 17387 Since: 02-20-07 From: State College, PA Last post: 6120 days Last view: 6094 days |
Xk - I PDF'ed the story so I could mark some literally transcribed thoughts with italics and not worry about word processing software compatibility. If you want to challenge your wussiness, I can provide a text document sans italics. (Or I can just mark the text with asterisks or something. There's not too much like that.)
Hiryuu - Thanks.  I don't have much trouble remembering how much of the back story the character is supposed to know at any given point, but one certain aspect of it may be tricky. Quote this for more.
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| Xkeeper |
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Level: 105 Posts: 2368/2846 EXP: 12034154 Next: 228106 Since: 02-19-07 Last post: 6066 days Last view: 2803 days |
Posted by Rydain This would be A-OK, thanks  ____________________ I dealt with it. |
| Hiryuu |
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Done. Level: 79 Posts: 1053/1471 EXP: 4471757 Next: 107710 Since: 02-19-07 From: ??? Last post: 6092 days Last view: 6085 days |
Well, I understand that particular area. That was what I felt you were trying to conceal from the time it started all the way to the end where they got up to postage price.
That's fine, actually, I was just basically meaning anything else you would want to keep a secret (if any). |
| Main - Writing - Resonance (horror/mystery, in-progress draft) | New thread | New reply |
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