The Tides of Chaos

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05-04-24 04:10 PM

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Samus Aran

Posted on 05-08-07 10:49 PM

Link | Quote | ID: 33970

Micro-Goomba
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Since: 02-26-07
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Alright, i've been working on a book for quite a while, and i've got several chapter done. However, throughout my time writing it, i've always wondered if i was good enougn to write a book. So, I have released my prolouge and the first chapter on several websites to see what people think. Heres the first part of my new book: The Tides of Chaos.

Prologue

An axe flew through the air and nearly missed the priest’s head! He was frightened, but knew he had to continue on, despite the constant barrage of weaponry. The X clan was always violent, but not like this. The priest knew, however, why. They wanted the staff.

The priest and his family sprinted across the hallway, towards the center of the palace. A constant barrage of axes, swords, and arrows made them move faster than is thought humanly possible. Adrenaline and flying weapons of death and torture can do that to you.

They flew into the central room, and slammed the door shut right as an axe flew right where the Priest’s head was, but got stuck in the door. The Priest sighed with relief, and walked towards the center. The room was a beautiful chamber. It had gold columns lined towards the center. A hole was in the ceiling right above the center. But what was in the center was what made the whole chamber sparkle with beauty. For in the center of the room, was a solid gold scepter. With a flawless diamond in the center of the beautiful head, it easily stood out as the most beautiful thing in all the land. The Priest couldn’t believe he had to do this, and part of him longed not to, but he had no choice. The Scepter must not fall into the wicked kings’ hand. He stood there, and started chanting an ancient ritual, only used for absolute emergencies. This counted as one.

Suddenly, the door burst open, over the weight of dozens of people slamming against it. The door just couldn’t hold any longer, and it broke, sending dozens of angry X clan into the room. They were awful people, always hiding their face with their cloak. There are rumors that if you stare into the face of an X clan member, you are paralyzed forever.

The Priest and his family were huddled in the center of the room, whimpering. Suddenly, they head dark footsteps that quieted them all. The X clan stood ridged, as the evil king walked into the chamber slowly. The Priest glared at the king, but the king wasn’t interested in him. He was staring at where the Scepter was. Or, where it USED to be. For in the center of the magnificent chamber, was a pedestal for the Scepter, and nothing more.

The king’s sneer quickly turned to an angry frown, and he glanced at the Priest for the first time, Sneered, and said, “Where is it?” He commanded.
“It is gone,” said the Priest. “I broke it apart, and it is spread across this island. You will never find it within your life time!”
The king glared at the Priest with immense hatred. “You have angered me for the last time, Priest!” he shouted. “You will never live to see another day!” he walked towards a menacing looking X Clan figure standing there with an axe with dried blood on it. “Kill them all.” He commanded. “Oh, but kill the priest first.
The king left smiling wickedly, and his smile widened as he heard a scream and a sickening thud. He walked towards his new throne room laughing.

Chapter One

The Artifact
Max was sleeping snuggly in his bed. He was having that dream again. The dream where he was a brave knight, and he vanquished an evil force that was bent on destroying the universe. He was having so much fun at the party afterwards. “The only thing that can ruin this dream is… is…”
“Max! Time for school!”
“…that.”
“Max, wake up! You don’t want to miss school, do you?”
“Do I honestly need to answer that question?”
“Just get up an get dressed.” And with that, his mother left his room.”
Its not that Max was horrible at school. Just the opposite. He had the highest grades, all his teachers loved him, and he answer any question any one threw at him.
But that’s just the reason he hated school. In his teacher’s eyes, he was a genius. In the other 8th grade kid’s eyes, he was a nerd.
Not that there’s anything wrong with a nerd, but in Moranian Middle, being cool was the only thing that mattered. And if you were a nerd, there was no way in heck you could get into the category of “cool”.

And so, Max hung around with the “nerdy” kids. Or, he would, if there WERE any nerdy kids. And while the Nerds of Moranian Middle were smart, all the other people… weren’t. Only about 3 kids were considered nerds, or geeks, or whatever you call them. These were the kids Max hung out with. But we’ll get to that later.

Max sat down at the table and began eating his cereal, while staring out the window. His mom was sipping a cup of coffee, while his dad was reading the newspaper. Not that lively of a family, but Max didn’t mind. He liked it that way. He stared outside at his beachfront property. Max lived on Moranian Island, an island in the middle of the Atlantic. It wasn’t a big island, and certainly wasn’t popular. It had one small town, a mini airport, a small power planet, and the rest was mire, forest, and beach.
Max continued to stare out into the empty space of his back yard, when he saw a movement. He just thought it was a NOVA robot, searching for… well, whatever NOVA wanted. NOVA was a major factory on the other side of the island, and pretty much ran the island. They created robots and things to search for a “hidden treasure”, but that was only a myth. Max thought they were just a factory for selling robots for entertainment in America.
Max stood up, said goodbye to his parents, and headed to school. It wasn’t that long of a walk, just a block or two. He stood outside the building, staring up at it. Then he sighed, and walked on into another “fun” day at school.

He sat down in homeroom, and said hi to Isaac, one of his only real friends. Isaac was a straight B student, which was something to behold in the school. He worked out, and was number one on several sports teams at his school. He was Max’s best friend.
On the other side of Max, however, was Moe. Moe was NOT Max’s friend. If there was a position below archenemy, Moe filled that position quite nicely. He was big, with large muscles, and stood 6 foot 5, and was only a 13 year old. There was also one other thing about Moe. He was even dumber than most kids at school.
“Heya, Twinkie!” Moe said in a gravelly voice that made Max shudder, “How’s it hangin’?” He let out a wheezy laugh, and Max smelled a hint of cigarette smoke. He shuddered again, turned away, took out a book, and pretended to read it. “What? Not even going to pay attention to me? Aw, shucks. And we was such good palls, too.” He let out another rasping laugh, and hit Max on the back, knocking the breath out of him.
“Leave him alone, Moe,” said a confident voice behind Max, and Max let out a sigh of relief.
Courtney stood behind them, with her hands on her hips. Courtney was beautiful, tall, and smart. If you ever mad her mad, watch out, cause getting her mad is like getting a one-way ticket to the hospital bed.
“Aw, jeeze, I was just playin’ with ‘im.”
“Tell it to someone who cares.”
Max had had a crush on Courtney since the 2nd grade. Of course, so had everyone else. Who couldn’t love her?
“Jeeze, you ruin all the fun, Courtney.” Moe grunted, and stood up to talk to his friends.
“Are you ok, Max?” Courtney said
Max blushed and said, “Ya… I’m fine. Thanks.”
“No problem. If Moe had been near you a second longer, you would have been pounded into a pulp.”
“Ya… I learned that first hand once.” Max’s face grew even more red, and Courtney laughed, “well, I’ll see you around.”
Isaac laughed, and said, “Man, she digs you.”
“Shut it, Isaac… Why would she like me? She has to save me every day from… Moe.” Max shuddered again.
“Alright, deny it. I don’t care. Hey, what are you reading anyway?

“Another perfect day at school,” Max thought to himself, “just like the day before it. Not being able to talk to Courtney, being pushed around by Moe… man, I hate my life.”
Max was walking home from school. He normally took a walk around the neighborhood to gather his thoughts. He normally walked around the neighborhood, that is. Today, he took a turn towards Fenwick Forest.
There are a billion rumors about that forest. It is supposed to be cursed, bewitched, and haunted at the same time. Of course, most of the rumors are real far fetched. Max didn’t believe any of them. Infact, he found the forest rather calming. So, that day, he decided to take a walk in the woods.
Max was walking on an old dust road through the forest. He was staring up at the trees. This was the only time he could really relax. Mostly because he never found anyone else here. Only Max and Isaac dared to come into the forest. Everyone else believed that if you went in, you never went out. “How would you know that if no one went in there in the first place?” Max thought.
Max walked up to the Moranian River, which ran narrow here. He sat down by the rivers edge, and began to draw in the murky sand. He picked up a giant amount of rusty mud from under the water, and dumped it away. He was going to leave, when he noticed something quite peculiar. There was a hint of gold in the river. There was no gold mines on Moranian Isle, so why would there be this piece of gold? Max thought, that maybe it would be a great gift for Courtney, so he grabbed it, and yanked.
Nothing happened. Max only managed to get his hands dirty, and tired. He grabbed again, and yanked harder. Still nothing. This confused Max even further. “Why the heck isn’t it letting go?” He began digging around the mysterious gold piece, and found it was a lot bigger than he thought. It was a gold rod. It looked to have been cut, because it was only an inch long, but an inch thick. Max stared at it, wondering what it was, and looking over the inscriptions on it, when he heard a rustling. He turned around, and out jumped a Nova C.O.G.1! Controlled Operations Generation 1 were Nova’s main robots they made, and were always searching for something. Max stared at the tiny robot. He never saw one so close up before. It looked like a tin can on feet, with 2 eyes.
Max stared at the little robot with wide eyes. Never before had Nova shown their robots to anyone. This was very strange. But it got stranger still! The C.O.G. jumped at Max, and made a high-pitched shriek! Max yelped in surprise and fell backwards, dropping his gold artifact! The Cog opened up a central cavity in it’s head, and scooped up the gold artifact. It ran off into the forest, off the trail.
Max wanted to go home. He was dirty, scared, and confused. But something in him made him want to get back the artifact. It was like something was forcing him to get it back. So, despite his pleas to his legs to stop, he stood up, dusted himself off, and ran into the forest.

Hiryuu

Posted on 05-09-07 02:17 AM

Link | Quote | ID: 34030

Done.
Level: 79

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Seemed a little short for just a chapter so I was figuring that it might be an excerpt.

It's not bad, I can kinda gauge where you're trying to go with it but there seems to be a large problem with tense issues and the problem of trying to conceal a little too much info. Calling something 'X clan' or around those lines doesn't really scream original. The whole range of things that are happening from what I've gathered thus far leaves me to think that you've already established everything that's probably going to happen in this entire story in the first three pages which really doesn't leave the reader with a lot of suspense. This is just me stating that from what I've read, however, and there may be a lot more to it than that (which I would sincerely hope).

It's a good -start- to a chapter, I'll give it that, but I'd be more involved if I saw the rest of it and see how it plays out. Hopefully, there's a lot more depth to what I'm seeing here.

Main - Writing - The Tides of Chaos

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