Acmlm's Board - I2 Archive - Modern Art - Muffin Avenger - Chapter One
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Nebetsu
Posts: 1441/1574 |
Thanks. I'll take those into consideration. |
Thayer
Posts: 752/988 |
Originally posted by Schwa
Well, most people fail to realize that writing IS art. This thread is fine where it is... RPs, interactive stories, dominate the Story Forum, and short, usually 2-man RPs that emulate a single, carried-out fight dominate the SB Arena.
I realize that writing is art, I just wasn't sure if it went here, and I didn't want to see his thread get closed.
Overall, it's an okay introduction, sometimes your writing feels stiff, and I think some of the word choice is questionable. And yes, Tarale's right, more line breaks. 
Some examples:
- the flesh of it's victims as though "its", not "it's"
- I live, or maybe lived, I'm not sure, this just feels awkward.
- government maintained it's hold Same mistake as before, "it's" is the same as "it is", not the possessive of it.
- One day, a criminal I think "One day" may be unnecessary, I feel like it breaks the overall flow of your writing, honestly.
- refused to give him a small portion of currency well, I realize what you're going for, but it doesn't feel like it fits with the rest of your writing, I'd try to rephrase it somehow, not really sure how though.
- found "not guilty" If you're going to use it in quotes, a more impactful way to say this would be "innocent", i.e. He was tried and found to be "innocent", Do you see what I mean? It's just got a little more oomph.
- The paragraph where you're describing the criminal and "Death Hand", I think you should re-arrange some of the sentences, it's good yes, but it seems off-balanced, you might even split the part where you mention the governments into a separate paragraph.
Anyway, can't wait to see another chapter. Nice job overall, just remember some of the things I said above for your next chapter. Hope this helps  |
Tarale
Posts: 2602/2720 |
Writing is fine in Modern Art.
As for a critique -- well, more line breaks. I'm sorry, but it hurts my eyes to read large blocks of text on screen, and I'm sure other people aren't real fond of it either.
Break it up, make it easier to read.
Start seems a bit run on, could be cleaned up. |
Nebetsu
Posts: 1437/1574 |
Last time I had a piece of written work, people told me to put it here. I think the person said: "I'm moving this to modern art. We'll let THEM handle it." I think that was an early version of Muffin Avenger as well... >> |
Schwa
Posts: 2050/2214 |
Well, most people fail to realize that writing IS art. This thread is fine where it is... RPs, interactive stories, dominate the Story Forum, and short, usually 2-man RPs that emulate a single, carried-out fight dominate the SB Arena.
The only thing I would suggest to improve your story is to use more line breaks, so it's not so taxing to read. One big clump of words is usually very painful on the eyes, the way you have it.
Stay strong. --Schwa |
Thayer
Posts: 743/988 |
Hmm, well, I looked in there just now, it does seem to be for RPs, I guess I always misunderstood. But it doesn't seem like it goes with most of the other threads in this area, honestly.  |
Nebetsu
Posts: 1436/1574 |
Originally posted by Thayer
Uh, dude, this probably goes in the Story Forum, not modern art.
Oops. Sorry. Can I get a mod to move this, please?
EDIT: Wait... I though the story from was for RP's.... |
Thayer
Posts: 742/988 |
Uh, dude, this probably goes in the Story Forum, not modern art. |
Nebetsu
Posts: 1435/1574 |
Chi, ki, zeonic flow, whatever you may call it, it's the life force of all things. It has many names and has many more functions. It gives us our originality. Our hopes and dreams. It gives us the power to succeed. It lets us fall many feet and hit a hard ground when we fail. It is not just a concept. It is not a way of dumbing down what can be eventually explained by science. It is a real force that many have forgotten exists. It can be used to heal life, protect the innocent, and bring inner peace to the truly skilled. It can also be used as a weapon. A truly devastating weapon that can tear through the flesh of it's victims as though it were a ball passing through the nothingness of air. It is when individuals can learn to use this weapon, that reality falls to it's knees and dies. Thousands of weaker people can be easily wiped off the face of the planet in and instant because a powerful chi user flicked his finger. I had this power. Oh did I ever have this power. Rulers fell to their knees. Nations were dissolved and bathed in the power of my chi. It seemed like nothing could stop me.
Now it seems my hands have been painted with the blood of my enemies. What many people don't realize is that they glow with the spilled spiritual force of my fallen victims. Every enemy that I've ever killed screams at me through my hands. I live, or maybe lived, in a world where chi has just been widely accepted by the mass population. The ones who refused to believe it exists found out soon how very real a ball of chi flying at your face is. The government tried to regulate and control the presence of chi with highly talented police who seemed to have an unlimited supply of the energy. The problem was that there were always criminals that managed to overpower the police, so they remained above the law. The numbers of these criminals were few, so the government still maintained it's hold on the population. Things went on like this for many years.
One day, a criminal was accused of using the "Death Hand" technique to murder someone who refused to give him a small portion of currency. The criminal was tried and found "not guilty", since there was not nearly enough evidence to convict him, even though that everyone knew his guilt. "Death Hand" is a method of shooting a large amount of compressed chi into a person's insides and makes the individual's organs turn to mist. More and more, cases such as these erupted all over the planet. More and more, people became adept at harnessing chi. Governments became overthrown by force, then those governments were overthrown. Every time a new government got into power, a new group of chi users would overpower the old government. This is how it went for hundreds of years.
One day all the governments packed up and went home. People were afraid of this vicious cycle that had been taking place. Every country signed a treaty stating that they would embrace a state of anarchy. All national and provincial borders were eliminated. Without currency, the economy collapsed. Technology was abandoned for chi. Over hundreds more years, things that our forefathers had seemed like a mystery. The telephone, TV, computers, artificial electricity, and automobiles seem like something out of some crazy story that some old man had managed to trick the world into believing, but no matter what village you visited, the stories were always the same.
Just as the old world is just a fading memory, passed down, retold, and revisited; so is the new one. I don't know where I am or if I am. I am floating in this black void that seems to close in on me and devour my soul. The only thing I can see is the eerie light that my forearms seem to give off. The light from the chi that splattered on my hands. The only thing I hear are the voices of everyone I killed yelling at me. Cursing at me. Crying at me. Asking me why I would do such a horrible thing. The answer is always nonexistent. I don't know why I did what I did. I don't think I ever will. The only thing I can feel are the feeling of coldness piercing my bone with so many sharp jagged icicles. It's cold here. So very cold. There is an absence of something here and I wish I knew what it was. I wish I knew how to bring this thing that I desire here. Or to go to it. I feel like I can't go on, but I continue to live. My name is Muffin and here is my story.
Why does it take z e o n i c and change it into something else? |
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