Create the opening to the worst novel ever.

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RT-55J

Posted on 03-17-09 04:09 AM

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Inspired by the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest and my fiction writing class.

The basic premise of this thread is for you (yes, you) to attempt to create the opening sentence of the worst possible novel. The main rules are "make only one sentence" and "use real words," but those are more like guidelines than rules.

Example entry:

Untitleable Passion
The sweet smell of her sweetsmelling crimson lip-liner, which immaculately accentuated her puffy lips, inebriated her awe-stuck consort as they happily skipped in an exuberant manner over the white stripes of a zebra crossing before they stopped to snog each other on the yellow lines, making sure to intertwine their twin tongues in the fashion of a wet silk rope, thus halting all traffic from progressing down the parkway.

RT-55J

Posted on 03-18-09 04:56 AM

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Dinner
Fransisco presumptuously bobbed his raisin-wrinkled head into the water — almost as if he were a majestic woodpecker quickly chiseling a cone-shaped depression into the thick and aged hide of a cedar tree that would prefer to have its life prematurely terminated by a the sharp fingers of a chainsaw's blazing blade than to suffer continual punishment from rapping of the bird's proverbial knuckle — and successfully imprisoned a gorgeously plump trout behind the white bars of his mouth.

blackhole89

Posted on 03-18-09 03:17 PM

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Doom: Repercussions of Evil
John Stalvern waited.

Sorry, had to be done.

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RT-55J

Posted on 03-19-09 12:29 AM

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As the waxing gibbous of his eyes slowly revealed the shape of a crystalline full moon, Kawasaki's alabasterly-pure thoughts lazily drifted like a spear-like yacht on the surface of motionless current towards an instinctual concept so startling unrevolutionary that he was compelled by the unthinkable grace and unmatchable power of its unprecedentedly bovine-esque mundanity to readjust the perfectly swan-like pose of his lanky and curvaceous figure in his violet reclining chair in a snail-like fashion in order to smooth out the wrinkle in the chair's purple-y patterned pelt that was acting as an overzealous border guard that sought to prevent his much-needed pilgrimage into the dream-likely patterned lands of interminable rest and inalienable comfort.

Posted by blackhole89
Sorry, had to be done.

Good.

Now write something worse.

blackhole89

Posted on 03-19-09 12:45 AM

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The Gourmet
Having taken a deep, seductive breath, Alex took a bite out of the juicy, luscious frame of the boiled carrot that was helplessly caught between the unrelenting metallic teeth of his cold steel fork, revelling in dirty thoughts as he slowly let his tongue brush over the lukewarm red flesh of his unstruggling victim, gently squeezing out its life juices as he pressed it against the hills and mounds of his palate; it felt like the very first time all over again, and he was packed with an iron resolve that it wouldn't be the last.

There, tried to produce something closer to the style of your examples.

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Stark

Posted on 03-22-09 11:10 PM

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way.

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Xeruss

Posted on 03-23-09 02:32 AM (rev. 2 of 03-23-09 02:36 AM)

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Wouldn't it be easier to open this to full paragraphs so we don't have to make run-on sentences? Reasonably sized paragraphs of course.

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Stark

Posted on 03-23-09 03:10 AM

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Hey, if it's not below Dickens...

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Xeruss

Posted on 03-23-09 03:28 AM

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Dickens died. Perhaps there's a connection?

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NightKev

Posted on 03-23-09 05:51 AM

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Posted by Xeruss
Dickens died. Perhaps there's a connection?

Only if he was killed by angry fans/critics.

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RT-55J

Posted on 03-23-09 03:33 PM

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Posted by Xeruss
Wouldn't it be easier to open this to full paragraphs so we don't have to make run-on sentences? Reasonably sized paragraphs of course.

Go ahead. The rules are more like guidelines anyway.

Xeruss

Posted on 03-24-09 05:25 AM

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He gazed off at the trees with the same intensity as is channeled through a magnifying glass in the hands of a chubby sadistic fourth-grade student standing near a large mound of fire-ants that recently swarmed the picnic of an unsuspecting couple trying to sear their flesh with a radiant sun caught behind a brief cloud cover, and he began to think of home.

I may try again later when I feel the drive to write one with more continuity.

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CyclopsCaveman

Posted on 04-12-09 05:31 AM

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Posted by Stark
Hey, if it's not below Dickens...

'I'd never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months-but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.'

*cough cough*

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roxahris

Posted on 08-14-09 06:15 PM

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The sky was green. The grass was blue. And her blood ran red all over it.
It was my first time, and it was my worst time.

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Lachesis

Posted on 08-15-09 01:01 AM

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I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this. I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter,and he looked pleasantly back at me. Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something. I knew that if I'd never gone to Forks, I wouldn't be facing death now. But, terrified as I was, I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision. When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end. The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.

...

I'll write a serious response when I get a chance.

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grayeggsandham

Posted on 04-29-10 04:00 AM

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"Hello, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way..."

... For those of you who don't know, that's the opening to a Harry Potter fanfic called "My Immortal". I don't believe it's possible to break someone's soul with a piece of literature, but this fic sure comes close.

Do not, under any circumstances, Google and/or read the original manuscript of "My Immortal". I was lucky to escape with my sanity.

.....No, really, don't.

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Haz

Posted on 04-29-10 04:31 PM (rev. 2 of 04-29-10 04:35 PM)

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Yes, just awful. A tip for you though, 8 month bumps without intensive usefulness aren't usually welcome, even in a forum as inactive as this.

grayeggsandham

Posted on 05-05-10 03:40 AM

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Oh! Sorry! It's kind of hard for me to see the dates on the posts. I'll try to be more careful.

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