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| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Writing - (Fanfiction) A forgotten memory... |
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Forte.EXE When life seems to get bad, just suck it up and deal with it!                    Since: 11-18-05 From: Singe City, Ajiina (Davenport, Iowa) Last post: 5910 days Last view: 5908 days |
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| /A forgotten memory...\
WARNING: THIS IS A RYUUSEI NO ROCKMAN FIC. It is a short fic but nonetheless you have been warned about what you are about to read. No major spoilers as of much, but if you’re new to the upcoming existent series and haven’t familiarized yourself with the basics, turn back around. __________________ ================ Many believed I had been deleted all those years ago. The area of which once contained the cyber beasts of the old Dennou Sekai... those fools. Have they forgotten who I am? The unknown person looked down upon the futuristic city on a yellow golden energy like road. However, this road and the person itself couldn’t be seen by the human eyes except those who occupied the road. He was a black being with red piercing eyes, a scar on his chest, and what looked like a nearly ripped cloak. He vanished from the area before he was spotted by those who even tried to catch a glimpse of him with his or her Visualizer. Reappearing, he was in the other areas away from Earth and such, i.e. on the roads outside space. I have struggled to survive, and have seen much technological advancement the pathetic humans have created. The future of the world went from the worthless Navis and the Dennou Sekai to the Denpa Sekai! My rivals have disappeared during the advancement switch, but the scientists have overlooked one important detail... me. The black clad person narrowed his eyes, his lips still in its twisted cold scowl, even as Mettaurs, radio viruses which looked like Billies but missing legs, and many others surrounded him. With the flick of his wrist, they were swiftly dealt with, before they could even attempt to block the destructive energy wave. When this happened, the Denpa Sekai shook violently for a mere second before calmness resumed. Pathetic scum... one of these days, the humans will see the destruction I shall invoke upon them. They shall learn to fear my name... He slowly closed his eyes, as his lips curved into a sinister sneer, and muttered the one word that would strike fear into the bravest of the brave, and install terror into the hearts of all. He referred to himself as, "Forte..." A sinister chuckle escaped from his throat through his lips, before the forgotten memory vanished from the Denpa Sekai. __________________ ================ This may never happen at all, but it’s a thought if a sinister force from years ago still existed no longer as a NetNavi from the obsolete Dennou Sekai (Cyber World), but exists in the Denpa Sekai (Radio World). |
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Silvershield   580   Since: 11-19-05 From: Emerson, New Jersey Last post: 5920 days Last view: 5907 days |
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| I wish there was some easy, practical method to just offer proofreading advice, because I immediately see some mechanics errors that injure the piece as a whole. There are several problems with noun-verb agreement, hyphen use, and some awkward phrasing. If you'd like me to be any more specific and provide individual examples, I'd be happy to.
I have to admit, I can't necessarily follow the storyline because I'm not familiar enough with the source medium, but I think it's short enough that that's not a huge issue. I like the mood - it seems fairly dark to me, but not overly so - and the character is described well. I would like to see you stray a bit more from the cliche of "the dark stranger with piercing red eyes, a billowing cloak, an incredible grasp of magic or some other destructive skill, a very smug and casual attitude," etc. Like I said, I'm not familiar with the original character, so those traits may not be your creation but are instead the original author's, but it's a critique nonetheless. Not bad, though. I'd like to see a second draft, maybe a bit longer if you could. |
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