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| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Officer's Club - So I realised I'm passive aggresive with my girlfriend |
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netscape Grizzo                  Since: 12-30-05 Last post: 6309 days Last view: 6305 days |
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| If she's still my girlfriend... I wanna fix myself though. See I've been smothering her and I'd try not to, do my best not to, couldn't figure it out, till bout 20 minutes after she said she wanted a break...
I'd apologize alot when we had a fight, cause I'd feel bad cause the fight was bad for her and stressful for me and I just wanted it over, and because I didn't wanna get mad and say something I'd feel bad for later. I think I just loaded her up with guilt... iono. What set it off I think is II kinda put her in a place of authority over me cause ironically seemed the best way not to be controlling and I don't wanna control her at all. Reading on the internet it says authority figures tend to activate it. I don't wanna though! I love her so much. Posting on this forum cause neither of us have friends that visit and I want some advice. I wanna be healthy for her. Anyone have advice? |
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Dr Ice64 Goomba    Since: 12-29-06 Last post: 6326 days Last view: 6281 days |
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| Hmm. Explain this again but more clearly. | |||
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Schweiz oder etwas [12:55] (Dr_Death16); I swear, the word drama needs to be stricken from the dictionary, for I've heard it so many times, it will permanently be imprinted on my brain  Since: 11-17-05 From: Kingston, Rhode Island Last post: 6279 days Last view: 6279 days |
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| Dr Ice, I'm gonna have to ask you to make some more content-filled posts in the future, especially in this forum. However, for the sake of explanation, it seems that he is having trouble figuring out how to make himself change so that his (possibly former?) girlfriend will like him again.
Passive-aggressive behavior is seen in situations where one half of a relation is not satisfied with the terms set by the other half, and yet does not outwardly protest them, instead allowing their aggression to seep out through vicarious or more indirect means. It is seen in every kind of relationship, from business to romantic. What Netscape is suggesting is that he is like this with his girlfriend, and he would like to change because he cares about her so much. The simple solution here, Netscape, is given just by the name of the condition: Passive-aggressive. You aren't being direct enough with her, but at the same time, I can sense where you come from with the want to not be so direct. It'll seem controlling, and you're right, in some cases it is. The key here is MODERATION. The balance in power in a relationship (because of course a relationship is founded on communication and equality) must be maintained, never shifted in one direction or another. Some girls like a guy they can boss around, but nobody likes a pushover. To give you a reasonably simple example of acceptable behavior in a relationship, I'll present you with a fairly simple situation: You and your girlfriend cannot seem to decide where to go to dinner tonight. Your girlfriend has presented a solution, and you do not necessarily enjoy that particular eating establishment. For the sake of argument, we'll say she wants Chinese food. There are several paths you can take here: 1: The aggressive/authoritarian path: You tell her firmly that you refuse to go to eat Chinese food tonight, and that there is no way she is going to force you to. Unfortunately, you also don't have an alternative solution to the food, and it is more than likely that this behavior will lose you a dinner date, as you would be acting childish. Beggars can't be choosers. 2: The passive/aggressive path (version 1 -- Guilt): You decide to accept, however unwilling you are, and go eat chinese food. While there, you are overly extravagant with your spending and behavior, paying her half of the tab, ordering for her, and being overall unlike your (assumed) usual self while doing so. The undisclosed goal here would be to make your girlfriend feel inwardly guilty about forcing you to spend so much on her. Most relationships can get away with one or two instances of this, seeing it as just a time when you're feeling overly generous and kind, however repeated behavior will often hint at an attempt to shift the balance in power precariously towards the providing side of the relationship. It's not the worst thing to happen, but it's definitely not the best. 3: The passive/aggressive path (version 2 -- Coldness): You accept, again, but during dinner you are cold and emotionless, laconic, and engage in little talk with your significant other. You make her pay her half of the tab, and you barely say anything to her as you bring her home, making the barest formalities on the path to saying goodnight. This is much worse than version one of the behavior, as it cannot be in any way construed with sweetness or kind behavior. Your intentions are clear, and you are most definitely in the wrong. This sort of thing will not last long in a relationship, and it's suggested that you follow our next path as soon as possible. 4: The authoritative/understanding path: This is easily the solution to your problems. The trick to maintaining a balance of power in a relationship is to weigh one's options and communicate: Yes, you dislike Chinese food, but consider the following: Do you have anything better to suggest? Does your dislike for Chinese outweigh her liking for it? If you can't answer yes to either of these questions, suck it up and go. Make a good time of it, because it's clearly not the end of the world, or you'd have some much bigger complaints. If you can answer yes to either of these, consider this as well: Does your alternate solution appeal to her? If you don't know, find out. If it doesn't, then consider asking her nicely, or possibly trying to mediate a better solution to the dillemma, such as, say, cooking at home or going elsewhere. If you really don't like Chinese food that much (I can't really sympathize with that, Chinese food rules), then let her know about it, and see if she can't come up with something else. Who knows, if she's equally empathic to your disinterest in the situation and you end up going anyway, she may try that much harder to make sure you enjoy yourself. That's when you know you have a good thing going. There are other paths you can take when dealing with situations like this, but many of them are very detrimental to your relationship's progress. Only a few of them are even close to helping, and #4 up there is easily the best way to go. And remember, Dr. Ice, try to add some more content next time! Until then!  |
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netscape Grizzo Since: 12-30-05 Last post: 6309 days Last view: 6305 days |
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I took your advice, was direct. It helped thanks  .
Turns out the problem is she thinks I'm obsessive, and could turn controlling. To be honest I think she could be right. With the obsessive I mean. I'd never intentionally be controlling. You know the walking on air super awesome can't say you each other enough start of a relationship? Well I liked how it made her happy. So kinda tried to keep it going beyond it's natural phase. I tried to mold myself to be perfect for her. Kinda let go the things that I like to do that didn't involve her. Now I gotta go back to natural, and I'm not sure what is. (edited by netscape on 12-31-06 07:46 AM) |
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netscape Grizzo Since: 12-30-05 Last post: 6309 days Last view: 6305 days |
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| Yea I think our relationship is in a death spiral. We used to be so good for each other. What went wrong? I guess I put too much pressure on her. I don't mean to. I tend to put too much of my time up for her. I don't make a big deal of it, bring it up, or expect anything out of it, but it makes her feel guilty and pressured and trapped. I don't exactly know how not to act that way though. She's all I really worry about. The rest of the world seems blah compared to her.
She asked me if I wanted out. I told her I didn't wanna end it. That we used to be so good for each other, and after some soul searching told her if she wanted out I didn't wanna keep her in something she wasn't happy in, and that's truth. Loosing her might seem like hell on earth right now, but her in something she ain't happy in is way worse. Anyway said she didn't know what she wanted, and that yea we used to be, but we ain't no more. She loves me back though just as much. I gotta make it work cause if it don't. She's gonna get hurt just as bad too. Part of me wants to run though. Love is cruel. I need some sleep. |
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Dr Ice64 Goomba Since: 12-29-06 Last post: 6326 days Last view: 6281 days |
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| Take it easy a bit. I guess she still likes you. | |||
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netscape Grizzo Since: 12-30-05 Last post: 6309 days Last view: 6305 days |
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| Nah I just got dumped.
Gonna go sleep till feel like myself, even if I'm awake while doing it. |
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ICheatAtGolf Rat  Since: 01-01-07 Last post: 6302 days Last view: 6285 days |
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| grey, that is possibly the most helpful relationship post i have ever seen.
as for you, netscape, try to look on the bright side. yeah it might be hard but dont let this girl get you into a deep depression...you will regret it and it will develope into passionate hate for her. as well as yourself. (edited by ICheatAtGolf on 01-04-07 12:04 PM) |
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netscape Grizzo Since: 12-30-05 Last post: 6309 days Last view: 6305 days |
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| I refuse to hate her. I gave it my best. So did she. Sometimes people just aren't right for each other. The hurt will fade. I'll move on and so will she. It hurt her just as much as it did me. | |||
Vyper Kodondo Raging Venom  Since: 11-18-05 From: Final Fantasy Fire Last post: 6297 days Last view: 6297 days |
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| First of all, what age are you two? | |||
Tarale    2710 Affected by 'Princess Bitch-Face Syndrome' ++++!! Persona non grata Since: 11-17-05 From: Adelaide, Australia Last post: 6279 days Last view: 6279 days |
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Originally posted by netscape I would just like to remark upon what a wonderfully healthy and mature mindset that is
I guess the next thing to do is think about why things went the way they did and see if there's some self-improvement you could do in the meantime. |
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netscape Grizzo Since: 12-30-05 Last post: 6309 days Last view: 6305 days |
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Originally posted by Tarale Thanks, but I ain't really that mature. That's just love. I still love her so much. I keep thinking about how much it's hurting her and it makes it 10x worse.
thanks for the advice.
but I can barely function right now. Need to keep the thinking to minimum. Vyper: I'm 23 and she's 30. |
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ICheatAtGolf Rat Since: 01-01-07 Last post: 6302 days Last view: 6285 days |
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Originally posted by netscapeOriginally posted by Tarale yeah, definitely keep the thinking to the minimum. improve yourself in some way, every day whether it be working out, or going the extra mile at work. it will boost your confidence a lot and also greatly help out with the fact you just broke up. other than that, just watch t.v. or play some good hacks, maybe even some sudoku. just don't let your depression drag you into an alcohol or marijuana binge. and never forget, lightning can strike twice in the same place. maybe she just needs a break. take it easy. since you still love her, for now, i would just give her the space and dont talk about heavy feelings ATM. wait until she's ready to hang out casually again and see where it goes from there. (edited by ICheatAtGolf on 01-07-07 02:52 AM) |
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