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| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Officer's Club - so, can I consider myself a failure yet? |
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spiroth10 Paratroopa                   Since: 01-28-06 From: USA Last post: 6279 days Last view: 6279 days |
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| there is no justice to this world. I guess Darwin put it best when he said "...only those best suited to their environment..." would be able to survive.
I am not suited to this environment. I hate myself, and most of the people I meet/know. I hate myself because I'm a failure, and others because they're stupid, greedy, ignorant jerks, who don't even realize the value of what they have. I have trouble getting to sleep, as I am constantly filled with horrible emotional pain (sometimes I lose it and start laughing hysterically and acting as if I am high on heroine, though this is rare) when I can sleep, it's only for about an hour at a time, and isn't restful at all because it is full of hellish (yes, hellish -- worse than you can imagine) nightmares. then I cannot wake up in the morning, and have no desire to even go to school anymore. I already went from an A student to a C/D student. and guess what? I could give a crap less. before you pull that "chemical imbalance" thing out, it is important to realize that my life, in reality, really does suck. Its stress stress stress with no relief, and work work work without a moment of peace and/or joy. All the fun things in life have banned me from entry. I don't wanna die, but I don't feel like living either. I just want to sleep peacefully for the rest of eternity. No worries, pain or suffering, just sleep, uninterrupted by dreams. I tried to fix my problems. I accepted it was my fault and opened the closet door to face all those demons I was hiding. But they beat me. I lost. What I learned was that all my problems are my own fault and I can't fix them. Ever. I don't want to face myself or my failures ever again. I want to change, but I cannot change who I am. I cannot change my flaws as they are permanent. I have finally been broken. It took years to do it, but it has been done. and yes, I do believe I have almost totally lost it at this point, though I do maintain the ability to process logical and coherent thoughts perfectly still. Although I am a total wreck. so do I have the right to consider myself a failure yet? Based off all my attempts at things It's a definite 'yes'. As a matter of fact, I've never been able to succeed at all, and I don't know why. All I can say is that I am living proof that effort cannot always bring success. I am so persistent, I might add, that someone once told me that "Sometimes you have to just give up on things..." I can't. I can't accept my life will be meaningless and devoid of happiness. if this is true I would rather die than work for a society that has some enjoyment while I couldn't (Sort of why I hate everyone) for me there is nothing. I am a rabid dog, starving, with food being dangled in front of it's face, yet I am caged and cannot bite back. I am oh so tired, but I am unable to sleep. And thirsty, but there is no water that is not polluted and vile. and yes, that was metaphorical. I can eat and drink and sleep, but not to fill the void. I have eaten, before, to get away from these feelings, all the while trying to fix my problems, but things only got worse. Then I went to sleeping, but things are so bad now, I can never get enough, and my nightmares make things even worse. I'm in pretty bad shape. |
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Tarale    2710 Affected by 'Princess Bitch-Face Syndrome' ++++!! Persona non grata  Since: 11-17-05 From: Adelaide, Australia Last post: 6279 days Last view: 6279 days |
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Geez. Yes, I am going to pull the "chemical imbalance" card on you -- it sounds like you are suffering something along the lines of Depression. And I'm also going to pull another card, one to do with your thought patterns 
You say your life "really does" suck, but you don't seem to tell us exactly why, instead you seem to have go off on a series of cognitive distortions. Generalizations, All-or-none thinking, personalization, magnification... You say you maintain logical and coherent thought, but your thoughts seem pretty warped to me. Life sucks. Yeah. Lots of people's lives suck. The thing is how we deal with it. You need to learn to deal with it better. You need to learn not to generalize, and get into all this all-or-none thinking. See a cognitive-behavioral psychologist. They'll teach you how to fix the thoughts. See a doctor. They might give you some medication to help you while you learn to fix those thoughts. Get some exercise. And stop putting yourself the hell down. |
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Metal Man88 Gold axe It appears we have been transported to a time in which everything is on fire! Since: 11-17-05 Last post: 6279 days Last view: 6279 days |
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| The answer to the topic question is always no, considering that you can always do -something- to help yourself; in this case, going to a Doctor or qualified mental health person thingy. (I get the terms mixed up, and wouldn't want that to somehow effect you.)
Of course, to fight the demons, you have to define them, and then eliminate them based on those demons. Unfortunately, logical thought is easily crushed if you have a real depression problem. Tarale pretty much said the important things to say, all I can really recommend is to try what you can to get help with the problem and try to solve the issues. |
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spiroth10 Paratroopa Since: 01-28-06 From: USA Last post: 6279 days Last view: 6279 days |
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| might not have been the best way to deal with things but I feel a hell of a lot better right now.
I ditched my old friends because they are complete asses who insist they are better than me at almost everything. Even when I proved them wrong. Hell, one tried to have a fist fight with me because I told him he was wrong -- although he's so small, weak and fragile I made sure not to punch him, because if I did, I would have sent him to the hospital and/or killed him. He's one of those aggressive, ugly, little napoleon type guys, but has absolutely no strength, and is a damn retard. my other ex-friend, who instigated the situation is a fat, stupid, self-righteous, son of a bitch, who trys to force that his (newly christian) opinion is fact and ultimately correct, and always disses me and says he's better. In terms of strength, like the other little guy (although i've broken his nose before, and thrown him 3 times... think he'd get the hint huh?) and a lot for the fact that I don't have a girlfriend (he makes his the center of his life totally, and thats bad if your not even 18 yet, and I'm sure he'll cheat on her, and then go kill himself later. good for him. shes an ugly, stupid bitch anyway, shes a 19 yo without a job living with he parents dating a 17 yo who's destined to be a bum.) the others are just freakin weird. and all of them are lazy good for nothings who just sit around and do nothing with their lives, while I try to better myself, and they just call me retarded. so I ditched them. I hate them, and am now their mortal enemy. Instead I'm in the process of trying to find a healthier group of friends. After I ditched the old ones, it just felt so... good. I have no doubt that it was totally the right thing to do. they are complete assholes. Also, I'm training to be an excellent runner still, and have started seriously lifting weights. I'm hoping to still see some improvement without taking any supplements (or steroids... which I probably wont take anyway... I will say the downsides other than the anger really wont affect me at all if you get my drift.) I'm trying to work 5x as hard as I have to. I swear -- I will become jacked (body-builder type build, for those who don't know the term) even if it kills me. I feel a lot better right now, and I guess thats better than nothing. although Im still not 100% ok... |
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ICheatAtGolf Rat  Since: 01-01-07 Last post: 6302 days Last view: 6285 days |
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| You are a depressed person. whether it be chemical inbalance, or depression caused by a chain of events, it is easy to see that you are depressed.
Listen. Everyone has problems, i'm not putting your problems down because EVERYONE deals with their problems differently. For example, if my girlfriend were to tell me she was going to come over, and then ended up hanging out with another one of her guy friends, i would be angry. other people might not. but that's besides the point. try living with the knowledge that your fingers might have to be amputated if you dont cut down on caffeine and smoking. try living with the fact that you dropped out of school for a year and are trying to go back, shaking with nervousness. try learning that you have a terminal disease. as you can see there are much worse things that can happen to a person. once again i am not putting your problems down but you need to realise that in order to live up to society, depression is NOT an option. depression is a disease, a disease that blocks off parts of your true personality. if there is a part of you that you don't like, its because of the depression. you need to start caring more about yourself. time waits for no one. dont waste these years moping, and feeling sorry, because i did, and trust me i regret it. it will all kick you in the face eventually. |
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