Originally posted by Luigi-Santa

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Fruitcake.

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-Jigsaw
-Tooth paste
-A box with christmas wrapping paper and a bow.
-A spring glued to the bottom of a box with a boxing glove attached to it.
-Bambi Manga.
-Kool-Aid
-A seriously smashed calculator
-a penny, a nickel, a dime, a quarter, a one dollar bill... a 100 dollar bill. (In the same box!)
-An ear-wax candle. (Eww...)
And... I forgot the rest.

Originally posted by "Mario4Prez"

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PART I

It all started at the beginning of this year, when during gym class a loud-mouthed fat girl named stephanie approached me and started talking to me. Her constant droning about her boring life didn't really bother me at first, until it started happening every day. Soon, she started treating me like a god, constantly complimenting me and letting me copy her physics homework.Hell, one time i said I needed a pencil in study hall and she went all the way from the first floor to the fifth floor just to get me one. It was painfully obvious that she wanted my bone.

Now, I dont have anything against fat girls, but stephanie is a different kind of fat girl. She never stops talking, and every word that comes out of her mouth is incredibly stupid. Shes loud, and boisterous, and thinks shes the funniest person in the world. She has no friends.

Soon, she starts telling everyone in the school that she "likes me" (i feel like a fourth grader saying that) People tell me that she goes up to random people in the cafeteria, whom she doesnt even know, and tells them that she is in love with me. Soon, random people start ridiculing me about how that fat tub of gravy desperately wants my wang. Soon my friends get hold of this and start giving me hell about it too. One of my friends, who likes to annoy the hell out of everyone decided it would be funny to tell her that i liked her. later that day she called asking me if Iliked her, to which i promptly responded, "NO!." Then her friend called and managed to call me a fucking asshole before I hung up on her. Now by this time Ive had enough of this.

so one night me and a couple of my friends were at my friend phil's house. Phil is one of the most disgusting people i have ever met, and spends his free time searching for the most gruesome, offensive images and videos the internet has to offer. So on this night, phil comes out of the bathroom with a bag of his own feces. He soon comes up with the bright idea of putting his poop inside of a box, wrapping it up,signing it as "from your secret admirer, dont open until christmas" and putting it in stephanie's mail box. So phil gift-wraps the box of poo and smothers it in cologne and lysol to disguise the smell while me and the rest of the gang find her address. it was about 11:30pm, and in no more than 15 minutes we drive to her house to deliver the poo. Upon arrival, it is decided that since she is my problem I should go to her door and deposit the poo in her mail box, which is right beside the door. Nothing could possibly go wrong. So just as i arrive at her door, mystery present in hand, the door bursts open and i see her big fat face with a gaping smile.

"Joe!" (my name) she gleefully exclaimed, "You got me a present!"

I was caught red handed, my initial reaction was to turn back and take the gift with me, as to not hurt her feelings, but there was no turning back now.

"Here you go" i said with a heartfelt smile, extending the present into her hands."dont open until christmas" Ill never forget the look of pure joy on her face, seeing that the present was from her "secret admirer".

She was speechless, she tried to hug me but i stepped back narrowly avoiding human contact with that flabby-assed heifer. I told her that i had to go and quickly shuffled into phil's car where he would drive us to safety.

Despite the fact that she now thinks im her secret admirer, I smile to think that the box of crap is still festering under her Christmas tree to this very day.

have a merry Christmas stephanie!

PART II

Lump of Coal part 2:
As I recall, it was about a week or two before Christmas break started that I had delivered a gift-wrapped box of poo to the fat ass named Stephanie. Now, Most of you laughed when I first posted the story on lue, but there was a lot of you who posting things like "you're an evil bastard who deserves to burn in hell". So before I start part two, I'm going to give you some more great reasons to hate the fat and disgustingly ugly girl named stephanie. Hopefully, it will help justify the horrible deed that I have done.

8 Reasons to hate stephanie:

1. She's fat
2. she's loud and obnoxigus and extremely arrogant
3. She viciously makes fun of other fat people
4. She's really fat
5. She had told a lot of people we were going out, which is horribly untrue
6. she smells bad
7. She is annoying as hell and everybody who knows her hates her
8. omg... liek she's so blubbery!

Now if that doesn't deserve a "lump of coal" for Christmas, then I don't know what does.

Now onto the story. The day after she received the box of poo from her "secret admirer" (me) she was more in love with me than ever, which sucks because she thought we were an "item", but on the other hand it was good because it clearly indicated that she had not yet open the present. I wanted to be the first one ever to fecally ruin someone's Christmas, so I had to go through a lot of bull**** to see this prank through to the end.

As I said, giving her the present had made her more obsessed with me than ever. She was oblivious to that fact that the present had crap in it, and since she thought that I was her secret admirer, she started being extremely annoying . In school she started to try to sit at my lunch table, thankfully, my lunch table fills up remarkably fast, and saying "this seat is saved" bailed me out every time. In physics, she constantly tried flirting with me, and one day, she even tried hugging me! In the two classes that we share together, she spends the whole time just staring at me, like I was a delicious hot dog smothered in gravy. Just the way she likes it. And then there was the phone calls...

She started calling me about three days after the poo delivery. She would start off every call with "do you know what the physics homework is?" Which was her poor excuse for calling in the first place,
and like the lazy ass**** I am, I would reply "yeah, but its in my back pack and I really don't feel like getting it right now". Now that she found her opening, she would start rambling on about her uninteresting life endlessly, so to bail myself out of every phone call I would say "uh, I gotta go, I'm just about to leave to visit my grandmother in the hospital... bye."

that line always works, even when its used four days in a row on the same person. But the jokes on her, because both my grandmothers are dead!
Now, she carried on with her stupid calls every day, and every day I used the same excuse to get off the phone, but on the day before Christmas break she called me one last time. The call went something like this.

*ring ring ring

me: hello
Stephanie: hi, is Joe there?
me: yeah, whats up?
Stephanie: Hey Joe, do you um... by any chance know what the physics homework is?
me: yeah, but its in my back pack and i really don't feel like getting it right now.
Stephanie: oh, um... ok. (awkward silence) I'm so excited about Christmas! I cant wait to open the present you got me! I want to know what it is so bad!
me: You reeeeally want to know what it is?
her: omg yes!
me: I cant tell you, but ill give you a hint, the second I saw it, it reminded me of you.
her: omg, i cant wait to open it
me: just promise me you wont open it until christmas!
her: ok
me: hey, um... listen, i gotta go, i gotta visit my grandma in the hospital... bye. *click*
All i could do was admire the fact that she was walking blind-folded into the pwning of a life time!

Christmas was only three days away at the time, and my only worry was that she was going to find out before the end of the day, because during lunch, Phil (the one whose poop is in the box) was telling everyone at the lunch table of our exploits. I told him to stop or I'd tell Mr. Rhotes (journalism teacher) that it was him who inserted the "n" word into every one of the articles in the school newspaper (a story for another day). sure enough, he kept his mouth shut.

The next three days went by without any contact from stephanie, but it was on the day after christmas that Stephanie would decide to call me one last time. It went like this:

Me: Hello
Her: IS THIS JOE!?
me: yeah
Her: YOU'RE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD! I HATE YOU! (through sobs) YOU RUINED MY CHRISTMAS.

I paused for a moment, trying to think of what to say.

Me: Listen, I am so sorry, i didn't mean to hurt you like that. It was just a joke. I had know Idea you would take it so seriously
Her: *sniff* Why did you do that , I ne-
Me: Listen Steph, I really like you, and if I knew that giving you a box of crap was going to hurt you this much I would've never have done it.
Her: Its ok, its just-
Me. How can I make it up to you? You know, that new years dance is coming up soon, and I would love to have you go with me.
Her: (still sobbing) You would really go with me?
Me: Hell no, fatty *click*

Well, that's all for now, I'm sure there will be a part three, because a pwnage of that magnitude doesn't come without its repercussions. I just hope she doesn't murder me.

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Originally posted by "Mario4Prez"

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"Hell no Fatty"

I can just imagine that after she heard those hurtful words, she ran crying to her room and frantically scribbled all of her hateful feelings into her diary. Her diary, the only thing that would listen, the only thing that cared. She must have been pretty angry, 'cause you don't just walk off a pwnage of that magnitude. It stays with you, lodged firmly in your ass until you either crap it out, or it consumes your soul...

hell no fatty

Those words were only the beginning....

The lump of coal part 3...


Winter vacation was finally over, and the usual depressing lull that comes with going back to school had just begun. The first couple of school days went slow, and despite the vacations thrilling events, nothing interesting happened. The only noteworthy thing was that Stephanie was absent from school for the first three days. People in the school who had been told the story figured that she was too humiliated to come in, or that she committed suicide. I wasn't going to get my hopes up, so I just assumed she was sick.

By Friday of that week, I had started to get really paranoid, always fearing in the back of my mind that she would jump out of a corner and slit my throat or something. I knew she was pretty psychotic, so I was ready for anything. Being killed by a fat girl would be the worst way anyone could ever die. I can just imagine her fat greasy ass, laughing as she sneered down at my helpless body. Watching me squirm and writhe in unbearable pain, as crumbs from some kind of pastry she was eating fell lazily onto my now pale and lifeless face.

Unsure about the situation, I consulted a local fatologist during lunch who just so happened to sit at my table. He had already heard the story and was willing share his knowledge with me about the situation.

"Ive been studying fat chicks for years now" he remarked, "they truly are fascinating and majestic creatures. In my studies I have learned that there are three kinds of fat chicks and they are as follows:

1: The "I'm proud to be fat" fat chick: these wonderful specimen usually come in the form of a minority, but not always. They will often boast about being fat like its some kind of honor. They have an in your face attitude that comes only with being a fat chick, commonly reffered to as "fattitude. Most of there free time is devoted to:

talking about chicken
eating chicken
Boasting about how they just ate chicken.
dieing from diabetes



Then there is the "I'm cool because I hang out with my hot friends" fat chick
this marvelous creature is easy to find in parties, leeching off of her hot popular friends. When they are not eating, they usually spend there time "protecting" there hot friend from any male who would try to make advances on them, usually reassuring them that there "better than that"

Then there is the psichotic fat chick. This kind of fat chick can usually be found typing crappy poetry on there live journal, And then listening to Tool.”

he continued:

“Now, after observing Stephanie's behavioural patterns I have concluded that she is mostly psychotic, with a slight hint of “Fattitude. I mean, she must be psychotic to actually be attracted to you, look at you” he sneered. “You still have toothpaste on the side of your mouth from this morning, and its one o' clock now."

I quickly went to the bathroom and wiped the crap off my face.


When my time with the local FATologist was coming to an end, he took a celery stick out of his lunch bag, and placing it in my hand he gave me one last piece of advice.

"Listen, if you ever feel threatened by her, just take this celery stick and beat her about the face with it. Its complete lack of trans-fatty acids should scare her off momentarily. If that doesnt work, then by god just run, shes not physically fit enough to keep up with you."

I thanked him, put the celery stick in my jacket pocket, and then promptly left for my next class.

When school was over, I spent the better part of the night finishing up my college bull****, Not knowing the outrageous events that tomorrow would bring

I woke up early the next morning, got ready for school and walked out of the house to my car. Much to my chagrin, the car appeared to have been pelted with approximately five eggs. I hastily cleaned off the gooey crap, and drove furiously to school. Now, at this time, I didnt want to jump to conclusions, but I knew that the only person with a motive to do it was Stephanie. I promised to myself that by the end of the week, I would find out if she in fact was the perpetrator who committed this horrible act

So...in the first 20 minutes before school starts, I went to the one man who could give me answers, we'll call him G-man. I first met G-man at Phil's house. Him and Phil were in the basement, Phil was playing video games, and G-man was violently beating up the punching bag in the corner. I remember being taken aback by G-man's detestable appearence. G-man was a nerd in every sense of the word from his computer haxx0ring skills to his frail, skinny body and pasty white complexion. He is about 6,2", is unhealthily skinny, and reeks of a combination of acne cream and cheez-its. For all of the ugliness on the outside, he wasnt very good looking on the inside either. He is an elitest jerk who *****es and complains non-stop. but despite being a huge ass hat, he is strangely obedient, and will often do odd-jobs around the house at Phil's every whim, when Phil tells him to make him a sandwhich, g-man does it. Ill never know why G-man was such a wuss, maybe he just needed a friend. I'm a little reluctant to be writing this, cuz he will probably end up reading this anyways. Whatever. G-man and Phil were an unlikely pair. G-man was a diligent worker who deovoted almost all of his free time to his honor level classes, where as Phil is the kind of person who concentrates on growing his thumbnail reallly long, sharpening it, and then stabbing people with it.

So anyway. back at school I asked g-man to do a little detective work on Stephanie, (who was back in school after her mysterious 3 day absence), because I knew that he and Stephanie were both in chorus (xd) and I often see the two of them conversing. I told him to eavesdrop to listen if Stephanie ever brings up egging someones car. I knew I could trust g-man because I knew that g-man secretly hated Stephanie Why? I have no idea. But since Stephanie is always running her fat mouth, it probably wouldn't be too hard to pick up some information on her. I knew g-man wouldn't let me down.

Sure enough, G-man came back with answers. It was during lunch when he came running from his lonely lunch table,as graceful as a flamingo on stlits, sweat glistening on his brow. He was eating starbursts, he always sweats profusely when eating sugary candies.

G-man: I overheard Stephanie talking about eggs in chorus today
Me: what exactly did she say
G-man: she was talking about how messy it was, they were laughing so hard about it. She was talking a lot of **** about you, man.
Me: that *****, I will not stand idly by while that waterbed makes a fool of me!

And so just like that, I had found out who egged my car. I was not going to take this sitting down, oh no. But before I pwned her back, I wanted to make sure that it was clear to her that we were at war, so after physics I properly declared war like a real man.
To do so, I waited outside the door (she is always the last one out). And just as she exited, I pulled the celery stick out of my pocket (which was there for two days now) and threw it in her face, all while shouting "GO GO GADGET CELERY!" The sheer nutritional value of the vegatable shocked her just long enough for me to make my exit down the nearest stair well, unfortunatley, I realised that my next class was upstairs on that very same floor. Needless to say, walking by her again just after I hit her in the face with celery was a little awkward, but the message was sent, we were at war now. Two will go in, two will come out, one will be slightly more pwned than the other.

Meanwhile back at Phil's house, The crew was set to counter pwn Stephanie and avenge my recently egged car. I reminded them to always remember the rules of a PWN war:

Rule one: THERE ARE NO RULES!
Rule two: no punching.

With these two rules in mind, The AJL (anonymous Justice League) brainstormed with our next big prank. So in the middle of our discussions,(me, Kevin Adam, and Eli) Phil once again comes out of the bathroom with a heaping bag of crap, and a retarded smile on his face. Phil had been crapping in bags a lot that week, at first it was kind of funny, now it was just revolting. We told him to throw the bag out, but instead he hung it outside the bathroom window for safe keeping.

After some deliberation, the prank was decided upon. During school in seventh period study hall, me, Adam, Kevin and Phil went to leave the cafeteria, go into the parking lot and completely wrapped her car in layers of clear plastic wrap. Placed underneath the plastic wrap were pictures of the standard unholy trinity and some other random pr0n pics. The plastic wrap as I had seen it after school was wound t ightly around her car and looked difficult to remove, and the grotesque pictures underneath were there for all to see.

And sure enough, after school in the school parking lot there was roughly 20 kids gathered around her car, marveling at the "wonders of the internet" exhibit that we made out of her car. When she got out of her 8th period class, she walked curiously into the mob scene that had surrounded her car. I made sure to watch from a safe distance as to not arouse any suspicion, but I was close enough to see the brutal humiliation as the laughing crowd of people laughed even harder as her face turned an unbeleivable shade of red. eye witnesses say that she got angry and started screaming things like
"WHO THE **** DID THIS"
and
"WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS TO ME"
and
"I SURE COULD GO FOR A HAMBURGER RIGHT NOW!!!"(not really

from what I saw, it took her a while to get the plastic wrap off, a few people helped, but it was clear to see that the damage was done. I was pleased with the brutal mortification she went through but decided that she had had enough. First the poo in the box, then me calling her fat over the phone and now this. She had gone through enough torment. I had no plans for anymore pranks, and I decided I wouldn't do anything to her unless she retaliated . Phil and Goro on the other hand thought that I was just being a ****** and were not content to call a cease fire. "shes gonna pay for egging your car, Joe. SHES GONNA ****ING PAY!" Phil raised his voice, while chunks of the meatball sandwhich he was eating spewed violently forth from his mouth.

Don't misunderstand, despite the brutal lynching we gave her, she was still as stupid, loud, and obnoxious as ever. And lately, shes been wearing her pants really low so that her nauseating ass crack is in a constant state of exposure. And with her really tight clothes, I can literally count the folds on her back, which is pretty impressive considering the number goes well into the double digits. But none of this could ever justify the atrocious acts that Phil and g-man would commit in the name of my recently egged car. not even the hairy ass crack.

Phil and G-man were the perfect team for a crusade against The Fat one. With Phil's wreck lessness, complete lack of moral structure, and sheer creativity, and G-man's obsessive attention to detail and hatred for Stephanie, they made the perfect duo.

We laid low for a week, and let the whole plastic wrap car thing blow over. I had found out three days after the plastic wrap incident that Phil had wrote in big letters "thanks for the eggs" on the windshield of her car, (over the plastic wrap, of course) This pissed me off a lot, because it made it blantantly obvious that I took part in the wrapping. But somehow, nothing ever came of it, and none of the delinquents who took part in it got in trouble, despite the fact that Phil practically wrote my name on the damn car. Man, she must be stupid.





Now, I said before that I was content to sit back and let her retaliate. That was before I knew the true extent of damage the eggs had wrought on my car. It turns out that the eggs did some serious damage to the paint job. Since I really didn't care about my crappy car all that much, I had no intention of getting the damaged part repainted, But when my dad found out about the damage, he was pretty pissed, and he demanded that I get the damaged part of the car touched up, and I had to pay for it. The cost was 300$. Rather than bringing the law into this though, I decided that I would make her pay in "humiliation dollars".

I was mad, but not mad enough. See, normally I'm a pretty nice guy. I'm not one to start trouble, but when I informed g-man of the cost of the damages to my car, he completely flipped out. He was intent on making her pay, and he went on a long ferocious rant explaining why she deserves to be pwned. He reminded me of how intensely annoying she was, he remided me of how she had told just about everyone she knew that she was going to ask me out, and how genuinely embarrassing it was.

"and on top of all that!"
he said through heavy breathing
"she egged your ****ing car, she will pay sir, by Thor's mighty hammer she will pay.

G-man's passinate words inspired me to hate Stephanie, like Jessica Alba inspires me to touch myself, and like French people inspire me to dislike French people. Sure, we had already done that plastic wrap thing to her car, but that wasn't nearly enough. G-man and Phil had plans to ruin her whole week.

And so her week of torment began. All of our rediculously immature plans for revenge would come to fruition. G-mans stock of stink bombs, mouse traps, and wireless electronic fart machines, all of which he ordered from "Things You Never Knew Existed" would finally be utilized. 300$ is a lot of money for me, so I had to make sure we made good use of the materials provided for us. We started off the week With the stikn bombs. G-man managed to get a stink bomb inside her back pack. She smelled like rotten eggs for the remainder of the day. She was a little flustered. That wasn't enough.

In the middle of the week, Phil was suspended for writing a terribly offensive valentine to some really hot girl in our school. We would have to carry on without his services for a week. On wednsday, we realized that there was no practical use for the mouse traps, so we dropped the idea.

On Friday, we used the remote control fart machine. His is kind of like this, but not exactly:
http://www.fart-machines.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=11879
Before class had started, I taped the farting apparatus to the bottom of her chair. I held the remote control firmly in my hand and carefully studied the three variations of farts. There was the wet fart, The trumpet fart, And I couldn't read the third one because the sticker with the name was slightly coming off.

I started off the electronic farts subtly enough, I wanted to start later in the class so that if she got suspicious of me, the bell would ring and I would be able to get out of there before she went berzerk on me. I started with a wet fart right as the class got silent. The whole class looked directly at her, and her face turned rediculously red. I immediately followed up with the trumpet fart, and the whole class broke into hysterical laughter. I let things die down a bit. I wanted to keep it subtle enough so she wouldnt find the fart machine under her chair. About 15 minutes later, at 1:45. The class grew silent again, and once again I broke the silence with a wet fart, followed up with another trumpet sound, she broke into tears desperately trying to convince the class that it wasn't her. Just as the commotion died again I pressed the mystery button. And then a sound came out that I never expected: "Show me your moves, ***** (female dog)" the fart machine blurted in a familiar voice. It was G-man's voice. The last button was for sounds you record your self.

Now it was completely obvious that the sound was coming from beneath her chair, and by this time she was completely mortified and enraged. She ripped the machine off from the bottom of her chair, and must've seen the smug look on my face, because she totally flipped out on me in front of the whole class. Her tyrade began with:

"I KNOW THIS IS YOU JOE!"

the class grew silent
and before the teacher could shut her up

"FUCK YOU, ARGGG, FUCK YOU
I'M GONNA KIL-" she paused "FUCK YOU"

I sat there with my "I didn't do it" face while she was calmed down by the teacher and sent directly to the office. The class was completely confused and in awe by the time the bell had rung. I got out before the teacher could stop to question me.

Fast forward to tommorow. I get questioned at the pricipal's office. By this time, there was no way for them to prove that I was the one controlling the fart machine. I did away with the remote when I exited school, and no one in that class identified me as the controller of the fart machine. Unfortunately for her, she wasn't so lucky. She hadn't been in school for the past couple of days, and it is said that she is suspended, and might possibly be expelled for her verbal death threat to me. Yup, thats right,
E-X-P-E-L-L-E-D Oh well, I thought, she deserved it. She was begging for a pwnage when she egged my car and cost me 300$ in damage. I always knew that the zero tolerance policy of todays school would help me in some way. Although I can't deny I'm a little flustered by that fact that she is still probably thirsty for my blood


So on the Friday of that week, me Phil and Goro were sitting around doing nothing when the topic of Stephanie's pending expulsion came up. Phil didn't even know about what had happened due to his recent 5 day suspension. He told him in great detail of the events that led up to Stephanie’s possible expulsion.

"dude..." he started "thats pretty insane that you got her expelled, but you should probably know by now that it was really me and g-man who egged your car..."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, we thought it would be pretty funny if we made you pissed off at her for no reason"

"YOU SICK FUCKS"

"dude, you're the one who got her fucking expelled"
he shouted back

A harsh silence fell over the room...

"YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE GOING DIRECTLY TO FUCKING HELL, RIGHT?"
I shouted, completely disconcerted.

Phil and goro didn't say a word. and there was a deafening silence for about 30 seconds, until Phil broke the silence.

"You wanna go to Wendy's?" he said.

Another awkward silence...

"sure" I responded, it was then that I came to my senses and stopped pretending to care. We went to Wendy's that night, but karma caught up with me when I found out that they were out of frosties. Truly I have paid for my sins.

And thats the end of the story, thank you for reading. I'll give you updates on Stephanie's educational status if I find out what happened to her.

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