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| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Officer's Club - How I feel... |
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spiroth10 Paratroopa                   Since: 01-28-06 From: USA Last post: 6309 days Last view: 6309 days |
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| meh. I've posted one or two before, I just have to get it out of my system.
I'm just sick and tired of this. I'm pretty much bored of everything. I've had enough of video games, and my friends and I have run out of things to do. Im also pretty pissed of at myself. I'm trying to raise my self-esteem, but Im having more than a little trouble. I have my good points: I'm smart funny nice have GOOD friends (that actually and literally risked their lives for me) get good grades probably will get a good job I'm a leader and DEFINITELY not a follower I shift paradigms on my own I'm atheletic I've overcome many steep obstacles to get where I am Im mature Im honest with myself and my emotions never drank, smoked, did any illegal drugs And Im persistent and determined to reach my goals Although what really really bothers me (and believe me, my hormones won't let me off the subject) is the fact that I've never ever ever even come close to having anything remotely similar to a relationship with a girl. sure, Im young. But Im not just saying I havent been able to get a girlfriend/get laid yet. I'm saying its more than that. I've never even held a girls hand or kissed anyone, and there are people, like, 3 years younger than me succeeding there when I can't. Dumber, weaker, uglier people than me. Drug addicts and hoodlums. but not me. and I don't know why. What pisses me off is how little control of the situation I have. In my life, I've overcome many obstacles. At one point, people said (misdiagnosed) that I had ADHD, and drugged me heavily. These drugs, in turn, caused me to actually have the symptoms of ADHD and worse psychotic problems -- this should be obvious because at the time I had no issues -- now I'm (self-diagnosed) slightly depressed. I became violent. Eventually I was thrown out of school, and went to a 'special' school. One day, I faced my parents and told them NO MORE. F*** the D*** drugs. I stopped taking them, and the symptoms dissappeared. In a few years, I was sent back to a normal school setting completely, though I missed MANY years of math/science/english that I had to catch up on alone. The budget for those schools is far too low, and the staff are retarded. I went from learning algebra to adding somewhere along the lines, and the teachers were lying about my grades to my parents so they wouldnt have to get new books (my theory -- I KNOW they lied though) In the end I was able to jump that hurdle, through lots of hard work and dedication. But this is a hurdle I cannot jump. It involves other people with their own agendas. I'm not even sure I stand a fighting chance in this arena. In math and science, I am a god. In all things social, I am retarded. being a social recluse in a school of majorly psychotic (or otherwise mentally ill) kids for about 8 years didnt help. for that time I had NO friends at all. video games were my life. no sports either. all alone. I see other people, get jealous. get filled with anger and hate. then finally severe depression hits. I honestly and completely don't know the first step to beginning a romantic relationship. I can make friends -- not with ease though. Usually they meet me. I don't even know how to properly introduce myself. as weired as it sounds, many times I find myself wondering what a kiss feels like. what it would be like to hold somebody. I have no control over these thoughts, and they only get stronger with age. strangely enough, I have very little desire to actually have sex. don't get me wrong -- I'm not looking for love. not yet. thats foolish at my age. I want to explore these feelings I have buried inside myself. A learning experiance about the opposite gender. these feelings stir me with excitement. what hurts is that I can't. no matter how hard I try, I can't. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I do the same things everyone else does -- I just don't get the same results. I go up to girls, am friendly (aquaintance-style -- I dont want to be their best friend, but with time, more) over long periods of time (weeks, months, as long as it takes for them to get to know me and feel comfortable with me) and then eventually ask them to go out with em in some fashion. (I've tried soo many). I've tried other approaches too, but what I do doesn't seem to screw me up. It's something else, and It has to do with them. I don't think I'm capable of attracting girls. at all. and it makes me feel like shit. It lowers my work ethic severly, and I just feel like I've gotten everything I can out of life already. whats worse is that I can't just pull myself back up. at this point, I have nowhere else to meet new girls. I live in a small town, with no car. If I just go and hang out in a mall or somewhere in another town, approaching some stranger would just make me look REALLY creepy. and yes, girls are a MAJOR factor in whats making me depressed (as dumb as it sounds) -- Id say a close 90%. The rest is some home issues but nothing nonstandard there. Im not sure what it is. I've got so many good points and a lot to offer. Im a varsity letterman, too. I feel like my feelings don't matter in this world. Like everyone else has some standing importance but me. I feel worthless. and somehow my heart just won't let me give up, and that hurts even more. Im not suicidal though -- not only is it a cowards way out, but if I died, I'd only condemn myself to what has already been, and i can never succeed. No, I want to live, don't mistake me. It's to the point where i have horrific nightmares every night, and get very little sleep. I also wake up many times in the night too. anyway, It's close to midnight here, and I have to do my homework still (meh darn math and science) so I'll end it here. |
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rubixcuber Mole   Since: 09-08-06 From: St. Louis, MO Last post: 6419 days Last view: 6419 days |
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| I know how you feel.
I'm basically in the same situation except I don't have any real life friends (other than my cousin). I'm 21 years old and have never been on a date or even been close to one. I had a lot of the same problems with depression from about age 17-19. After that, I'm not sure what happened, I think I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to have a relationship or many friends and moved on. And I don't really get it either. I have my good points too: Smart (Perfect SAT scores, barely missed a perfect score on the Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale) Nice Funny Get good grades (Would have had a 4.0 and Valedictorian if not for depression problems final semester) Have a good job (IT Manager of a big company) etc... Even living in a big city (St. Louis was rated the best place in the country to meet girls a couple of years ago) and having gone to a fairly large university I haven't had any luck. I'd like to be able to tell you that your luck will change and you'll find a relationship, but so far that hasn't happened for me. (edited by rubixcuber on 10-17-06 11:37 AM) |
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Atma Kabu  Since: 11-27-05 From: New Mexico (what a gay place!) - Canada <3 Last post: 6332 days Last view: 6328 days |
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| Hmm, I dunno, maybe it's something about how you look, not to say you look horrible or anything, but maybe there's some aspec about you that doesn't attract girls much. I kinda have that issue myself, I'm pretty attractive, or just good looking, but not 'really hot' either,... but the thing with me is that I'm just really thin, and I think that's a pretty big turn off (if you want to see me to get an idea, I'm in the last page in the photo album thread). I've had a couple relationships before a few years back, and another chick that admitted to liking me (who was pretty hot),... but then once we started dating,... she got like, too shy to kiss me <.< (she seemed to have some self esteem probs at the time as I remember, but had cool friends, and asn't weird or anything). So I kinda know how you feel, but other than what I mentioned, I can't think of what could be the reason, because you seem like an outgoing person. (edited by Atma on 10-18-06 05:09 PM) |
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witeasprinwow Since: 12-29-05 Last post: 6419 days Last view: 6419 days |
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| Let me make some points:
-If you are really all that, then at some point a girl has been attracted to you. You may not have known it, and it may not have been the girl you wanted to like you, but IT HAS HAPPENED. -On that line, evaluate yourself fairly. Also, keep in mind that most people like other people for their personality qualities or appearance, and not for what they have. (Except for golddiggers, but I'm guessing that's not what you're interested in...) To most girls it doesn't matter what your SAT, ACT, IQ, or class ranking is. Most girls just like guys who they have fun around. Hell, some girls like to get drunk and do drugs, so they'll like guys who drink and do drugs. That isn't necessarily make them bad or less worthy people, and you shouldn't judge them on that basis. -You have an interesting past and you definately show some mental/psychological strength, and you've certainly overcome a lot, but don't think that just because you had a hard past that you won't be able to reach something. -What you may have to do is just change your whole viewpoint on girls. If you are talking to girls and saying to yourself, "Oh God, here we go again, this isn't ever going to work out for me," then you are probably gonna set yourself up to fail. If you are thinking "Come on, don't fuck this up," then you'll probably get similar results. Just relax and have some fun, and try to meet some new people. If you do that then it shouldn't be hard to find out who likes you. -Talking to strangers probably isn't nearly as creepy as you think it is, so long as you are nice and friendly about it, and introduce yourself. Think about every time a stranger has talked to you; how often do you go "what a fucking creep!" as soon as s/he leaves? Usually not unless the person really did something to deserve it. Just find something interesting to ask the person to start the conversation, and go from there. -Try not to see reasons why you can't succeed, but obstacles you have to overcome in order to succeed. Don't say "I can't meet new girls because I live in a small city," but instead try and say "I have to take the opportunities to meet new people when they arrive because they're few and far between," or "I have to secure a way to get out of town sometimes so I can meet more people." Just not getting depressed about it is important. It's not wrong to like having a girl, or to want intimacy or sex, but you can't let that drive control your life. I'm not a ladies man either or something, but I have gone from being a total loser early in life to having... moderate success, I guess we'll call it. |
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