 |
| Register | Login | |||||
 |
Main
| Memberlist
| Active users
| Calendar
| Chat
| Online users Ranks | FAQ | ACS | Stats | Color Chart | Search | Photo album |
|
| | ||
|
| Register | Login | |||||
|
Main
| Memberlist
| Active users
| Calendar
| Chat
| Online users Ranks | FAQ | ACS | Stats | Color Chart | Search | Photo album |
|
| | ||
| 0 users currently in Femine's Corner. |
| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Femine's Corner - a dead OL relationship, what to do? |
New poll |  |  |
| Add to favorites | Next newer thread | Next older thread |
| User | Post | ||
Randle Bronto Burt                 Since: 12-05-05 Last post: 6687 days Last view: 6687 days |
| ||
| Feels a bit weird my second post here being a moan to relative strangers but then its on my mind a lot and I can't really talk about it in more familiar haunts due to mutual friend problems. I hope its okay to post this in here, seems the place for it and I apologise in advance for the fact that I have a long post.
A year ago or so, summertime, I started to get to know this girl I'd already known for a while a bit more. I had a crush on her but didn't let her know (maybe a mistake in retrospect) as it would be embarrassing and probably pass in time. Over the course of the following months we got quite a good friendship going on and I started to realise that the crush was growing into something else. I convinced myself it was still a crush as she was in a long-term and long distance relationship so telling her would only lead to awkwardness and the loss of a friendship I'd really started to value. I ended up falling for her though (again, in retrospect maybe I should have said something sooner) and getting really jealous of her boyfriend. I tried my best to hide it until in easter kinda out of nowhere, she told me she thought she loved me. I admitted I felt strongly for her too and we thought it would allow us to just carry on as friends more comfortably. Inevitably things got more serious though as we met up and things unintentionally took off. We came back to earth, things had got too serious and yet when apart, we both missed each other terribly. We couldn't meet up again for a while for various reasons but we spent a great deal of time talking to each other and looking forward to when we could, professing love for each other regularly. She was beginning to contemplate leaving her boyfriend (ontop of me, things hadn't been great for a while). We spoke about what would happen afterwards, talked about the danger of getting involved in the rebound etc and eventually came to a decision about remaining single friends for some time and getting together later once things had settled even. Still seemed to be crazy about each other and looked foward to when we could see each other again. It was mid summer when she told me she had decided to give it another chance with her ex. I was heartbroken and I'd freely admit I didn't act well and we argued. She eventually told me that her mind was made up and that nothing I could do would make her reconsider, instead it would only make her resent me. So I gave up. We didn't get on aswell after that. I found it difficult to talk to her and certainly not about what had happened as the times I did this, it pissed her off. I couldn't talk to friends either as most were mutual friends, (she wanted to keep it secret and not unnecessarily hurt her boyfriend so I kept shtum). Still it was depressing as hell as I felt like I'd not only lost the person I was in love with but also a good friend. I've been depressed about it ever since then and it had got in the way of lots of things, my inability to mention it to friends just made me seem like a miserable sod without a reason so they began to avoid me. I thought I was slowly getting over it telling myself she was with someone she had been with for ages and I never stood a chance but in honesty I was as miserable in November as I was in August. Then I go and find out that she did end it with her partner at some point since then and was now seeing someone else who had apparently been very persistant whilst she experimented with being single briefl. Basically it's killing me, I realise I still have very strong feelings for her and don't know what to do. Part of me wonders if I should just cut my losses and leave the places where I'm painfully reminded of her and forget her and that she is with someone else. I fear I'd regret this however as it would be cutting out a large part of my social life, would distance me from friends who would never know why i did it and that after a while I'd just regret it. The other option would be to tell her how I feel about her etc etc and hope that honesty will somehow lead to something bearable which is what someone has suggested I do. My fear for that is what the reaction would be. Indifference or lack of caring would kill me and I think this is probable seeing as we don't talk much anymore. Whenever I do work up the courage to speak with her, she seems generally uninterested in talking to me and conversations quickly die. I'd hate it if her response to learning how hurt I was and that I still harboured feelings for her resulted simply in mild annoyance and a suggestion that maybe I should just leave and 'get over it'. The final option is I just carry on without saying a thing, hoping that in time I'll learn to deal with it (which hasn't worked thus far) or hope that her new relationship doesn't last (which I don't see happening even if fundamental problems she said she wanted to avoid from now on exist in it) sorry for the ramble. If anyone is still around after reading this revoltingly angsty drivel, are there any suggestions? |
|||
Hiryuu Sword Maiden Retired Admin    Since: 11-17-05 From: Nerima District - Tokyo, Japan Last post: 6297 days Last view: 6297 days |
| ||
| I can almost say I've been there minus a few things.
The only real thing I can say that I did differently was make up with the person I was involved with. True that this person is still seeing someone else but we're still friends and still talk to one another occasionally but...it did take a while for us to start talking to each other once again (about two months, if I recall right). It's really up to you what you want out of this. If it's important to you, I would attempt to keep in contact with her whenever you can...but if it's too awkward to do so like many of these cases are, then I wouldn't keep putting yourself down talking to someone who generally makes you feel even worse about yourself by doing so. It's really a matter of how important she is. If she's worth it, try to mend things. You'll have a lot of awkwardness against you (and her as well) and it sounds like you have your nerves going nuts already. Ideally, patching it up between the two of you would be nice but the longer you wait to decide that the less you'll want to try. |
|||
Uncle Elmo Porcupo Loved up and ready to go :) Since: 11-24-05 Last post: 6313 days Last view: 6353 days |
| ||
| Firstly, and this is pretty important
You're DEFINATELY not alone. I've been in your exact situation, and as for what I did, well I sort of hung around her, secretly wishing for her relationship to fail. I then realised that to try abnd be friends with her was also difficult. By keeping her close I was using her as an emotional safety blanket, and this is very unhealthy. It's taken 2 years for me to come to this epithany, so I suppose in short my advice to you would be. Think about you, not her needs, you need to live YOUR life, and leave yourself more than open to the fact that it won't contain her. SHe's made it obvious that she finds it difficult to be around you. As the passage of time goes on that MAY change, but then again may not. You can keep your circle of friends, and try and be polite, but if she's still snotty with you, just cut her out. |
|||
Danielle     6730 Administratorrrr HELLO THERE    Since: 11-17-05 From: California Rate me ^_^ Last post: 6297 days Last view: 6296 days |
| ||
That's a tough spot to be in. 
If you're willing to wait for her, then go for it. But you should think about it... she's willing to try to forget about you now, what will change that in the future? How can you be certain this wouldn't happen again if you did get with her again? If you're willing to accept that you may not be able to have more than a friendship, then maybe you can present her with that. Just friends. At least then you won't have lost both aspects. You can try telling her how you feel, but be prepared for rejection. I don't know what changed for her, but apparently she doesn't much care anymore. Just think about it. And.. good luck.  |
|||
Tzepish UFO Since: 11-21-05 From: Redmond, WA Last post: 6353 days Last view: 6353 days |
| ||
| Just friends can be worse than not talking to eachother in this situation. If I were you, I'd wait for her "passively", I guess... find other girls in the meantime, and at first maybe hope she comes back eventually, but then later you may get over her completely anyway. | |||
|
Cruel Justice I have better things to do. Since: 11-18-05 From: At my house! Last post: 6297 days Last view: 6296 days |
| ||
| A dead relationship is no relationship. If you're not getting any chemistry in your lovelife with this lady, go out with someone else. She obviously doesn't care about your needs so play along. | |||
|
GeminiMetatron Newcomer Since: 12-06-05 Last post: 6733 days Last view: 6733 days |
| ||
Originally posted by Uncle ElmoYeah, BOTH of us have. And ironically it was with the same girl. Although I still think I got it worse in the end. It's pretty hard to deal with that, then immediately go to a girl who happens to lie about being married for two years. But then, Elmo's heard me bitch for years about things like this... *shakes head* Anyway, at this point in time, I'd say cut your losses. This girl obviously doesn't care, because if she did, she'd have been more open about the friends thing. The best thing I would do is write her one more time, telling her how you feel, but also saying it's become clear that she doesn't return those feelings. Also tell her that you'll be ready to talk to her again once she decides to be more sociable, since her lack of communique is hurting you deeply. You'll usually get one of two responses out of that one--either the girl quickly realizes what a bitch she's being and 180s, trying to save what little of the friendship is left, or she's gonna blame you for the degradation of the friendship and demand you never speak to her again. Just my experience, in both directions, it's gonna be too little too late on her part. |
|||
|
Randle Bronto Burt Since: 12-05-05 Last post: 6687 days Last view: 6687 days |
| ||
| Well thanks guys, there is good advice right here and I can also say that there were some pretty accurate predictions of what would happen. I don't want to patronise anyone though as I'm sure you speak from very explicit experience. In some cases I was kind of aware of the background which I suppose could have unconsciously led me to ask for advice here.
As it turns out, I ended up telling her how I feel but mainly because she brought it up unexpectantly. I explained the whole sordid mess, how I had not totally gotten over her, that the latest revelation had shocked and hurt me etc etc. The result is far from pretty as basically she shattered any illusions I may have had about how she feels for me. She told me in no uncertain terms that she regretted everything that had ever happened between us and didn't have one fond memory of that time. I also witnessed something in her actions that I had never seen in the years of knowing her that I find quite unpleasant. She has this habit of lying to get out of awkward things instead of admitting she ever acted poorly and even when you call her on it, she still refuses to admit and will just mumble something else equally hurtful. Also she has demanded an end to our friendship because I wasn't over her. I suppose it may be some noble intention to remove all bonds between us and thus help me get over it faster but to be honest it sounded more like punishment because I hadn't gotten over it in the timeframe she wanted me to. I spoke to someone about it who didn't know her at all and they came out with a few observations which made a lot of sense and had never occurred to me. In short that she had control issues when it came to relationships. Despite saying things like she never wanted to get involved in a long distance relationship again with someone younger than her, she ultimately had done and this could simply be that her age allowed her to dominate the relationship and the distance allowed her to control the closeness of it. She once boasted to me for instance that she had never been dumped and had always been the one to end relationships. When her old boyfriend once exp As it was this person suggested that had been the problem with me. Even after the relationship she was trying to dictate how I quickly I was to get over her, it was never advice or suggestion, it was cold hard dictat. She could hardly argue that me not getting over it was affecting her as we rarely spoke and I avoided talking about feelings for her whenever we did. She used to tell me that I was more emotionally articulate than any of her past relationships and in that respect I was more like her. So being not only closer to her geographically and in terms of age but also in ability to exp This last argument kind of left me feeling strangely satisfied at first...as if I'd finally got some truth and closure from it. There were things I could take from it for instance like experience and the ability to recognise warning signs. I haven't come out of it with a general loathing for women as a whole or disillusion and I suppose I'm still thinking relatively rationally about it all instead of tricking myself into thinking dumb things. Of course as time has passed I've started to feel somewhat upset by the fact that the friendship is now well and truly over. I've been instructed not to contact her directly for any reason whatsoever, I'm blocked again and I know her well enough that it will be a long time before I'm ever given another 'chance' at friendship as she cut people out before. I admit a little bitterness popped up and I wanted briefly to tell some mutual friends so that there weren't quite so many of them that hold her in this high regard as the uber balanced, kind and fair relationship guru (I don't fell loyalty anymore afterall) but then at least I can recognise it as bitterness and not act on that urge when it comes. But I'm rambling and have another long post again don't I? I'm going to get a reputation for this if I'm not careful  |
|||
|
GeminiMetatron Newcomer Since: 12-06-05 Last post: 6733 days Last view: 6733 days |
| ||
| Eh, all things being even, dude, I'm the living example of what NOT to become after that kind of failed relationship. I've dealt with three, all of them involved some sort of messed up situation, and with the exemption of the first one, all of them had some form of lies to them. I ain't been the same since, mainly because I've come to the conclusion that some people are destined to be alone. We'll get into the reasonings for that later. The important thing is that you at least got what you had to say off your chest.
The boasting that she'd never been dumped, however, should have been your first clue something wasn't right. People who can claim that have one of two issues. Either they abuse and use a relationship until its gone, or they have serious lack of social skills that keeps them from obtaining a long term relationship. A second round of advice from the FinalHazard--any girl who dictates when you're supposed to be over her isn't someone that should be in the breeding population to begin with. *raises bottle of Nyquil* Here's to hoping the next guy she dates beats the ever-living hell out of her as payback for the emotional abuse you went through. *guzzles the entire bottle down in one try* Damn, they need to strengthen this stuff, it's getting earier to drink. Although based on how you're describing her, the girl DOES sound rather familiar... (edited by GeminiMetatron on 12-08-05 07:28 PM) |
|||
|
Randle Bronto Burt Since: 12-05-05 Last post: 6687 days Last view: 6687 days |
| ||
| I kind of laugh a bit when I look back at the conversation we had where she boasted about not being dumped and wonder why I wasn't more concerned. The context was some online debate she had got involved in where someone had suggested that the position she was adovcating was probably born from immaturity and inexperience in relationships and in turn she was showing me her reply. The fact that she bizarrely perceived her ending relationships as the indication of maturity should have rung some bigger alarm bells. I was just too smitten at the time to notice many flaws. She can be in long term relationships, she had been in one for several years with her ex before all this kicked off with me. In the end though, she needs to be the one in control of them thus why she was terrified the one time her ex suggested ending the relationship after an argument despite the fact she regularly did the same herself without much apparent remorse. This need for total control seems so obvious to me now. Unlike her last boyfriend and her new one, I lived relatively nearby which meant circumstances wouldn't dictate such limited time together which in turn meant there was control about how close anyone got (in her last relationship afterall, it was always her that had the final say when they would get to see each other). She once claimed that a problem with her last boyfriend aside from the distance had been that he was so much younger than her and this meant regardless of maturity, he didn't have much experience in relationships so she always had to lead the way. Her new guy is even younger.
As for her dictating when I was to get over her, I also view it as quite unforgivable (but then I'm pretty bitter right now). I mean okay you may believe someone is dwelling too much on the past and may therefore try and suggest they stop or even intervene. You may of course have your opinion about how someone is getting over things. But is it right for you to actively dismiss someones actions and just say they're overeacting? I'm kind of stuck here. I sought the advice of someone and they were disgusted that she had just dismissed my sadness as an overeaction. Their argument was that it was wrong for anyone to tell you that your reaction or how you felt was 'wrong' because that in turn was like saying your feelings were 'wrong'. Just because she hadn't taken much time to get over whatever it was she felt, didn't mean that she could expect everyone else to get over it as quickly. Afterall, it was not as if I was bothering her because of it. Had I been pestering, hassling or being a creepy stalker, one would appreciate her desire that I get over it more quickly but then I'd kept my distance from her for a long time and had always been careful about what i did say when we spoke. One of the last things she said to me was something like: "you know, now that i know youre not getting over me at all, i prefer we break friends completely" and that was that despite my pleas. I'd see it as an attempt to help me get over it by forcing a distance but the fact was that for several months at least, we had been distant anyway. I don't know how to take it really. The person I told believes it's just a cruel and mean punishment because I wasn't reacting how she wanted me to. We didn't talk much anyway so its hardly anymore helpful and in turn declaring the friendship over, openly deleting all ties to me and then instructing me to direct any communications to her (kinda work related) through her boyfriend just seems vindictive. At least that is how I saw it at first as others did but then I feel a lot of contempt for her at the moment so maybe I'm being unfair. I dunno. I certainly don't feel the same way toward her anymore. I dislike her immensely and sometimes have little fantasies in my head where she suddenly apologises and wants to be friends again so I can tell her to go f**k herself or otherwise make her feel truly rotten for it all. I don't think i hate her enough to wish harm on her but I certainly hope her new relationship hits the rocks and she's left alone. It's not necessarily because I want it to fail so I can have another chance but rather because I'd get satisfaction from feeling she was left in the same position I'm in. Whether this will happen is hard to say, she suggested they would take it slowly yet I already see this not being the case for him. But then I doubt she's ever the kind of girl to be alone for long, she has always nurtured numerous crushes and admirers. Her experiment at being single lasted all of a fortnight from what I gather. Being destined to be alone? I don't know really. I can see why people feel that way but then I have misgivings. The reason I fell so head over heels for this girl (and I suspect her new boyfriend has fallen for her for much the same reasons) was that she seemed like the perfect girl. Past relationships I had got involved in had always been charaterised by concessions or compromises. For instance I've nerdish or geekish tendancies and interests and to be blunt, when I did get in relationships, the partners never shared them so i had to suppress or ration them. Other interests and preferences made things awkward too (I'm a 22 year old that prefers staying in. I've always struggled to find someone who felt the same way). When I first met this girl, she struck me as the ideal because she did share my passions, interests and preferences. She was attractive too, funny and smart and personally, she was not on some other continent so there was a chance of it going from an OL relationship. Of course when it ended, I was convinced that I would not find someone like that again and thus was destined to be alone. I can certainly see why you'd feel like that after numerous events. Still as time passed, I decided not to think in that way because it was not necessarily true. I'm at the beginning of my life and no mater how much I may think I can predict what will happen, i don't know where my life goes or what lies around each corner. My own parents met in the most unexpected circumstances. I no longer see having identical interests as a necessity to a relationship because if I do, I am always going to be falsely limiting myself to an impossibly narrow niche and will always be setting myself up for dissappointment. I've already met a girl who I'm attracted to. I know i probably don't like the same music she does or have even heard of it and a million other little things but screw it, life is to short to dwell on it. |
| Add to favorites | Next newer thread | Next older thread |
| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Femine's Corner - a dead OL relationship, what to do? |
| |
