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| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Officer's Club - So. Can I give up yet? |
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Yoronosuku Toss Tortoise                    Since: 11-17-05 From: Massachusetts is my new home.. Last post: 6295 days Last view: 6295 days |
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I really don't...like, opening up. For the obvious reasons...and because, you know, I'm going to get crap here too. But I have no where else to turn. If I hold back any longer, I'm just going to get more frustrated. So listen if you want, and if you have nothing inteligent to say, don't say it...I thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance 
Blahbity blah. You've heard it all before, right? Teen drama? I only wish it were that simple...because teen drama I can handle. This? Heh...well I guess maybe I should start at the source. This is the first time I'm ever publicly admitting this..and maybe, its the first time I'm admitting it to myself for the first time. But its like this.. When I was young, my father sexualy abused me. There, I said it. Of course, it was either he got what he wanted, or he'd beat me... so, I'd always take the beatings. If I tried to tell anyone, he'd beat me even harder. Skip ahead years later, after my mom divorced him for...unrelated reasons. I decided maybe then I could tell her what had happened to me all this time. We were really close, I knew I could tell her anything. Ahh...point of advice to the world--never try explaining anything like this to an emotionaly and mentally unstable woman. NO, I didn't know she was bi-polar...alright so she didn't take it as well as I was hoping she would. So she says its my fault, right? It's all me. Because I wouldn't sleep with him, he went and slept with other women and that's why he cheated on her. AND YOU KNOW. For the longest time I let myself believe it was my fault. Because what the hell...she's my mom. She's the only person who's word I took with more than a grain of salt. Oh shoot...maybe, it is my fault. Yeah. So you see, its like this...I've always been really insecure because of my home life and I keep a straight happy face/outlook because honestly, why burden anyone with this...I've always been quiet and a bit shy and person and never had many friends. Its beyond all conceivable levels of difficulty for me to trust anyone...Um, so, I guess you can say, my dad hated me (that's why he tried to get rid of me...and that's how I met Keitaro, um, let's not getin to that...), and my mom HATES me...but she likes to pretend she dosn't. She's bipolar so she might not realize she does all the time you know...its not her fault, I guess its easy to forget something important like that. Oh, would you like to know the real reason I'm in America? Student exchange, right? Hahah...yeah, maybe then I could save face with my family, right...um, well, okay, so the real reason I'm here is because I suck and I ran away. Yes. I ran away. I saved my money for months and months and bought plane tickets. You don't believe me? Well, whatever, that's what I did...I ran away. Because I couldn't handle being a burden to the only person I really cared about any more. Besides I bet my sister was tired of me too. Um, well, I ran away...because I knew I had family here. Family who was DIFFERENT. And wouldn't turn me away...and she didn't. And you know, I used to work two (now only one) jobs just to REPAY her for her kindness...she says I don't have to but I do because I'm a waste of space and I'm lucky I'm even here so I don't complain and just do it. The rest of my family hates me because I "abandoned" my mom. No more than they did because they don't even do anything!! They are just like "Oh Sakura we are sorry you are so sad here's a card because we're stupid  " Well not really but they don't even help her she's all by herself coping you know...
Buuuut they all think I'm terrible...except for the some family up here, that's the only ones who knows the truth. And ironically, my dad's brother, he even helped mom more than HER OWN FAMILY. Well, he is an adopted child so you know I guess it means why he's not a bad egg, too. And now grandma is dying (again!) and everyone says I'm a disrepctful to the entire Takagawa family because I'm not there and I abandoned the family, so I shouldn't even BE of the Takagawa family so they say that I changed my family name to Meimonainin...or, "nobody person". So, now I'm Meimonainin-chan! Instead of Takagawa-chan because they are asahmed of me ._. And of course in my whole life....ever, ever, ever, there's only been one person who I ever ever ever could believe in. And I don't want to say it here but the person is Keitaro, who's real name is Tony and I don't care what you say he's not me, he's not a stupid loser, he's the greatest guy in the whole wide world because he took me in as his own when he didn't even know me and he makes me feel loved even when no one else in the world cares about me. And he promised he'd be the dad I could never have and he is like ALWAYS there and I want to say thank you but thank you isn't good enough. So now I just look like a stupid ungreatful girl and I just am really stupid and upset and CONFUSED. Do you know why? Why am I telling you all this...I don't care if you hate him or if you hate me or what you think about him or us because I'm real and I'm real to HIM and he's real to me and I love him. And I know he's half my brother and I know its wrong and I feel ashamed and dirty and stupid and stupid and stupid and I know this is going to be the subject of ridicule for the rest of my entire life if I ever came out with it but I do love him...and he dosn't know and I knew he could never know because he would hate me and then he wouldn't want to take care of me any more and...and...but I can't just run from it because its always saying "You can't do this, he's your brother" "but I love him!" "Then be quiet!" and so I did and now I can't shut up any more because its making me a friging MESS inside. I love you Tony, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. Just please don't hate me, I don't want to be hated any more. Not by you, not by anyone. Just don't hate me for it, I'm sorry. A few months ago my dad found me when he was in America for my big sister's wedding. He took me and made me try to oraly stimulate his friend, and I wouldn't do it so he beat me, harder than he ever beat me before. I was bloody and bruised and one of my knuckles was almost dislocated. But when I was all alone crying, my brother took me and held me and even though I was a bruised mess with dry blood and tears he just held me close and told me everything was going to be okay. And I never in my life felt more loved than that one moment, because no one has ever been that kind to me, not mom, not auntie, not a single person in the whole wide world. And now you know why...I can't help that I love you...I'm sorry! Lately I've been depressed. And its come to the realization that no one ever really takes me seriously...because I'm so quiet, because I never let it show, so when I say I have problems, no one takes me seriously. I havn't known what to do with myself, what to do with my life, I just...have you ever wished you could just close your eyes and never wake up? I've felt that way for too long now and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to give up on life. But I close my eyes and nothing happens. Its like its a cruel joke or something. Umm...I guess this is the part where I ask what I should do, huh? I don't know...Blahbity blah blah. I hate me  (edited by Yoronosuku on 09-12-06 11:47 PM) |
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Skreename Giant Red Paratroopa Since: 11-18-05 Last post: 6302 days Last view: 6295 days |
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Originally posted by Yoronosuku Why? Why would you get tormented here? No matter how traumatic past experiences have been for you, you're a well-established and well-liked member of the community. While I can't absolutely guarantee it, I can say with almost complete certainty that anyone here who truly matters will offer nothing but support. Unfortunately... I'm not so good with sympathy. I'll try, but if it doesn't help, please forgive me. You've had a rough life, but from how you are here, you seem like a VERY strong individual. Not many have had to deal with such tough situations, but you stood your ground through the whole thing. It's admirable. And no, I don't think the people here think you're weak for "running away". I know I don't. You were in a rather hopeless situation, so you took your life into your own hands. As for the Keitaro situation... I can't say much about him. He seemed to know his stuff dealing with Pokemon hacking, and didn't seem too stuck up about it either. (Unless it turns out he was also a couple other people who I didn't appreciate so much, but that's beside the point). I'm rather confident I speak for everyone here when I say not to give up. You have quite a bit of life ahead of you. Prove to the world that you didn't let your father destroy you! I'm sure you can do it. |
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Yoshi Dude TO HELL WITH THIS  Since: 11-17-05 From: Fleepa Last post: 6295 days Last view: 6295 days |
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| oh my gah | |||
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Xkeeper Took the board down in a blaze of glory, only to reveal how truly moronical ||bass is. Since: 11-17-05 From: Henderson, Nevada Last post: 6295 days Last view: 6295 days |
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Originally posted by SkreenameA certain group of shitheads tends to constantly accuse Keitaro/Yoro of being the same person.Originally posted by Yoronosuku |
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Skreename Giant Red Paratroopa Since: 11-18-05 Last post: 6302 days Last view: 6295 days |
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Originally posted by *Originally posted by SkreenameA certain group of shitheads tends to constantly accuse Keitaro/Yoro of being the same person.Originally posted by Yoronosuku Dang. I feel stupid now. Either way, that particular definition automatically puts them in the list of people who do not matter. (I really need to pay more attention to things, I guess. The rest of my post still stands, though.) (edited by Skreename on 09-13-06 01:59 AM) |
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Cymoro Administrator    Since: 11-17-05 From: Cymoro Gaming Last post: 6295 days Last view: 6295 days |
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Originally posted by Yoshi Dude  |
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Dragon hellfire Octoballoon oops, you lose  Since: 07-18-06 Last post: 6448 days Last view: 6448 days |
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| I can't even imagine. Wow, that is an eye opener. If it's not just crap, I am really sorry. Don't do anything that you may regret later, however. | |||
beneficii Broom Hatter Since: 11-18-05 Last post: 6298 days Last view: 6295 days |
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| Yoronosuku,
I can understand what it's like to feel like a waste of space, that you're not worth anything, and that you're just an annoyance to people you interact with. It's hard to live like that. My history is a bit different than yours, but in a way I was suppressed and made to feel worthless and I had depression and similar problems and felt like an idiot because I always had to put on mask that separated me from other people. It's hard. |
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Trapster King Dedede Since: 11-19-05 From: Sweden Last post: 6403 days Last view: 6295 days |
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| Iīve said this before and Iīll say it again. Itīs a real pain to read what youīve gone through. I get really sad when reading this because I suffer with you. Not because I`ve been through anything like this myself but because I believe in you. I believe what youīre telling us. I would be surprised if this didnīt affect anyone. Youīve been through pure hell. I donīt think itīs possible for anything to make it worse.
I...donīt know what to say. I want to say tons of things, I want to make you feel better but it pains me that I canīt come up with what to say. No one deserves to go through what youīve been through. Itīs just not human. Itīs...something I donīt have words for. Youīre a very strong person, Yoro. I donīt know anyone whoīd be able to go through things like that without being completely broken down. You did right who ran away. Anyone wouldīve done the same for even less things. But you endured the whole thing. I canīt blame you for loving Keitaro. And I donīt think youīre dirty or stupid. He was the only one you could turn to when going through this. Like you said, he took care of you even when he didnīt know you. He was there, comforting you when you needed it the most. I admire people like that. And I admire you who were able to go through this and is still standing. I wish I could do more for you than just sit here and talk to you. Iīm here for you whenever you want to talk. You have my MSN so you know where to reach me. Iīve always considered you to be a good friend. So donīt hesitate with contacting me if you feel you need to talk to someone. Donīt give up, Yoro. There are people who donīt turn you away, there are people who understand what youīve been through, there are people who loves you. I`m sorry that I donīt know what you should do. But donīt do anything thatīd hurt yourself or others. I hope things will only get better for you now. I really do. (edited by Fire Trapster on 09-13-06 09:18 AM) |
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Cruel Justice I have better things to do. Since: 11-18-05 From: At my house! Last post: 6296 days Last view: 6295 days |
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| I thought beatings were far enough but I guess it got worse for you and I'm sorry. It really pissed me off reading what your father did to you. Running away to Massachusetts seems insane but reasonable, no blame needed. I know how it feels to take so much blame for a divorce, my father beat me alot... you endured more hurt than I did and you proved that you're strong enough to escape. | |||
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Deleted User Banned Since: 05-08-06 Last post: None Last view: 6296 days |
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| gross | |||
Keitaro Mole Since: 11-18-05 From: Massachusetts Last post: 6453 days Last view: 6453 days |
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| Gah...Cymoro, I just lost a ton of respect for you, man =\ I mean...not cool.
Alright, well, the last thing I reall should be doing is addressing you like this on a message board of all places, but at least I know you'll actualy see it here...I guess o-o Lookit, I don't hate you. Iif it helps, I love you too--as a brother and as a friend, and I'll always be here for you as those things to the best of my ability. Even when I can't always be therein person you know I'll always try and be there. You're stronger than you let on and I have a lot of admiration for you. I'm sorry for the brevety of this but I'm posting at school and don't have a great deal of time. You always know how to find me to talk further--something tells me you'll need it. Just stay strong kiddo  |
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Yoronosuku Toss Tortoise Since: 11-17-05 From: Massachusetts is my new home.. Last post: 6295 days Last view: 6295 days |
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| I appreciate the words everyone but sometimes staying strong isn;t as easy as one might think. My faith in people never ceases to decline and well...I hate to say I'm not terribly surprised. Thanks I guess. I'll cope, I'll deal, I've done it all before. Its foolish for me to have ever thought I should let it out, because I guess not even I'm mature enough to handle my problems. That's why I run away from them. I was better off before...I'm better off putting on a mask for you all, so ^^ we'll pretend everything is all sunshine and gumdrops in Yoroland, it seems to work better than me admitting there's anything wrong. Thanks <3 | |||
Darkdata   980  Since: 02-25-06 From: Newfoundland Last post: 6295 days Last view: 6295 days |
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| Yoro the answer is No. You Can not give up.
The fact that you said all this shows that you are brave and you are strong. I wish I could say everything in the world tell you things that would make you feal better. However I don't think words from someone you don't know will help you. ....However I have to try anyway. Yoro you are a good and kindhearted person. You care about everyone around you. Originally posted by yoro The fact that you say this shows that you don't want us to worry about you. ... Even after reading that, I still see you as the same person as always. A kind strong person who does not want to make people worry about her. Yoro I know you may feel sad now, you may feal down however I know, Know that you will overcome anything. Yoro even though you may not know me and anyone personaly we all care about you. Just remember that, kay? |
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l0rca Since: 07-23-06 Last post: 6374 days Last view: 6317 days |
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| I think a psychologist could really help, but a comment like that could be taken the wrong way, so I want to explain.
What psychologists do best, I think, is help a person identify what their brain is doing, on a more technical level, so to help the person understand themselves better. They also recommend good ways for a person to accomplish tasts, or cope with difficult subjects that a person would not think of on their own. I never went to a psychologist much myself; only when I was for younger and for small things, but I do know that almost everyone coming back from the wars right now wind up in that comfy chair talking to one. Talking to one helps bring them down from a harder reality. It's not the end-all, be all to talk to a psychologist. It's just an psychologically-educated person's advice on how to ease a troubled mind. And of course, they're far, far better at this sort of thing than we are (but they may not be better than you're brother. I don't know and have no opinion). |
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Tarale 2710 Affected by 'Princess Bitch-Face Syndrome' ++++!! Persona non grata Since: 11-17-05 From: Adelaide, Australia Last post: 6295 days Last view: 6295 days |
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Blah... I'm not good at writing responses to stuff like this. I might write little responses as I can.. 
First off, your family.... sorry, but it sounds like you would do better to try to have as little to do with them as possible, given their actions towards you. This is probably not an easy thing to do, but I think you need to seek out people who make you feel happy, wanted and accepted -- and reject those that don't. Family doesn't just mean the people you're related to. Make your own family out of loving and caring friends. |
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Cruel Justice I have better things to do. Since: 11-18-05 From: At my house! Last post: 6296 days Last view: 6295 days |
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How exactly can you give up if you've already won? What kindof silly question is that Yoro?  |
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