 |
| Register | Login | |||||
 |
Main
| Memberlist
| Active users
| Calendar
| Chat
| Online users Ranks | FAQ | ACS | Stats | Color Chart | Search | Photo album |
|
| | ||
|
| Register | Login | |||||
|
Main
| Memberlist
| Active users
| Calendar
| Chat
| Online users Ranks | FAQ | ACS | Stats | Color Chart | Search | Photo album |
|
| | ||
| 0 users currently in Femine's Corner. |
| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Femine's Corner - Horrible Dating Advice, anyone? "The times are changin'." |
New poll |  |  |
| Pages: 1 2 | Add to favorites | Next newer thread | Next older thread |
| User | Post | ||
D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji                 Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6325 days Last view: 6325 days |
| ||
| I've been posting in a thread on Smashboards concerning how to approach people you're romantically interested in.
You can find it here. http://www.smashboards.com/showthread.php?t=80925 I'm sure many of you will find some sad laughs in there. But if you're too lazy to read, I'll post some of the 'gems' I've found right here. And yes, I'm only posting stuff here that makes no sense to me at all. There's some good stuff amongst all the crap. Please tell me what you think about this 'advice' as these guys are trying to direct me. 
"Forget the absolute crock of advice people give you to "Just be yourself." Apparently being yourself doesn't get you any girls. You gotta change. I'm not saying change your personality to accomodate this girl, but you can change. . . . If you want a girl that is comfortable with telling you her emotions, it's too late, you blew it." --- "Listen to what they said about not getting to be too close of friends. That pretty much blows all of your chances of asking that girl out. It makes things really weird." --- "Meet girls with the intent to hook up. Ever hear the stories of those guys being permanently "friended"? It comes from bad dating advice. If a girl goes to you for consolation and that sort before you're her boyfriend, you are now a close-guy friend. When you first meet a girl, give off the impression that you're not their JUST to listen to her. It WILL help. Short tips. Be cocky, be arrogant, be proud, be confident. Girls don't like seeing their guy shy and stutter. Don't give out compliments for loosely. It's weird. Be INTERESTING." --- "Feel free to attempt to be a therapist, and a good friend, and a great listener for months and years before you tell her how you feel. Then go look for your own great friend and listener as you tell them that the girl you love doesn't want to get with you because she doesn't want to risk your great friendship, because it means too much to her. Get friended, it's **** fun. If you don't go after a girl with the intent to get with her from the start, then you're not going to. Brand yourself as a potential love interest first, then go for the deep, meaningful relationship. It's going to suck when you start the deep meaningful stuff, and get in so deep that you can't get the love interest thing down." [same person after I disagreed with him] "Dating has changed with the times man. If you don't change your plan accordingly, then there's no point in us giving you advice. What works isn't what you want. You might as well just go hunting for an old soul like yourself." --- " Mr P's Avatar Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Perth, Scotland Posts: 39 Mr P is on a distinguished road I think i threw up a bit in my mouth reading this thread.... holy **** dude you are what 19 and aint ready to kiss girls yet ??? WTF why wouldn't you want to kiss her ? Part of being in a solid steady relationship is about being attracted to your partner physically and exp [note--he missed the multiples times I mentioned that I am NOT in a relationship and never have been] "and another thing you aren't going to find THE ONE by hanging around for THE ONE. You have to go out and get experience in different relationships with different people, it's part of growing up. You are very niave if you think you can go around acting like the nice guy and women will respect you for it and all of a sudden the perfect partner will show up. You need to chill out let yourself go get some experience in different relationships and one day you will fall in love with the right girl but until that happens stop looking for it because you wont find it that way." [note--this guy later states that he kisses girls he hardly knows, continues to act as if just because I don't focus on sex means I'm lying about my sexual desires, and uses this site as a friggin' backup to that point.] --- "It sounds like your morals are getting in the way of you dating, Destiny Smasher. Sometimes you gotta lower your standards. I mean, not every time are you gonna find a girl with all of the same morals that you have. So, it is alright to lower your standards for some dates, but make sure they aren't too low." --- So what do you think about some of these nuggets of 'knowledge'? (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-09-06 05:38 PM) (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-09-06 05:38 PM) |
|||
witeasprinwow    Since: 12-29-05 Last post: 6389 days Last view: 6389 days |
| ||
Well, first off,
Originally posted by Destiny Smasher If you've never had success, and you've never tried a piece of advice, how do you know that the advice you're being given is wrong? But the key here is: Originally posted by Destiny Smasher Do you love crack addicts for who they are, or do you try and break thier habit? Yeah, you have your answer. It's not enough to just be yourself. It's better than trying to be someone else, but it's not enough. You have to be the BEST you. It is not enough to just BE, you have to BE SOMETHING. Once you have your own life and insecurities straightened out, girl problems will be that much easier to work out. Also, think about this: Why would you act like a friend towards a girl who you want a relationship with? Say I went up to you in the middle of the day, held out $5 I found on the floor, and asked if it was yours. Then we talk and I intentionally switch topics until I'm talking about a car I have Then I give you a pitch and try to sell you the car. Would you say that's shady? Decitful, even? Because the "Friend -> Boyfriend" approach, when employed like some people use it, is just as shady. You have certain desires, but you hide them and project something totally different. You are building trust and a relationship based on certain premises, and then going and turning it around suddenly. Would you swoon for that? I don't think I would. I'm not saying you CAN'T ask a friend out, but you better make sure she likes you first, or you will have a lot of awkwardness for a very bad reason first. If you like a girl from the moment you meet her, don't act like a friend first. There'll be plenty of time to build a friendship inside a relationship. It saves time and emotions and makes things simpler for everyone. Anyways, I read the little Armor Games page, and it has some truth to it, although it is painfully cheesy. At the same time, I sorta think anyone who is starting without that kind of knowledge might need more help than that. (edited by witeasprinwow on 08-09-06 07:16 PM) |
|||
|
D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6325 days Last view: 6325 days |
| ||
| Thanks for the input.
First, you must not have read everything I talked about when I mentioned change. We come back to it later on, and I believe we reach the same conclusion as you. Your second point is VERY good, I will admit. But you're missing something, namely the fact that when I first meet a girl, I'm not ready to just jump into a relationship! That's crazy! A crush (or even mild liking) doesn't equate to something I feel is worth risking the entire potential of a friendship for. What if she's a great girl who I could become great friends with, but I have a crush on her and thus treat her in a way she doesn't want to be treated by me? It could totally ruin our potential friendship. Are you saying I should put romance before friendship? You're assuming that when I first meet a girl, I somehow KNOW right away if I'm going to really like her. There are girls I thought I'd like at first that turned out to WAY not be my type. There's no way of knowing if a girl is right for you at first glance, now is there? And the girls around HERE, at my college...if they think you like them, and they don't like you, they have a habit of shutting you out. I've lost a couple potential friends because they thought I liked them--not that I DID, but the truth doesn't matter, what they ASSUME to be true does. Why throw everything on chance like that? And if I did that with every girl I ever liked, I'd be down a LOT less friends at this point. I'm not trying to hide it ike some shady dealer, I hide it because I know that it's ONLY a crush, until it grows into more than that. THEN I begin to question it. And even then, I still hid it because I had a good feeling the girl wasn't interested, or else she would've given me some sort of sign. Also, you're acting like I'm trying to 'throw out a pitch' when I've never done that. I've never said the equivilant of, "And that's why I'm such an amazing guy--zing, buy me" I've said, "I really like you." So what should I do with this girl I just met? I have an INTEREST in her. I don't know her well-enough to know if I'll truly LIKE her a lot yet. So should I just screw being considerate toward our friendship and put it all up to chance? She doesn't seem like the type who wants to jump into a relationship blindly, either. -- For example: In my current situation, I'm just finishing getting over the last girl who rejected me. At first there was that sort of initial natural attraction, but it didn't seem ike much, until a couple months after we knew each other, when the feelings started to grow. I hid them for 7 months, and deep down, she knew I liked her. But we both ignored it and avoided it, and then I told her, and she rejected me, which I pretty much expected--which probably made me even less confident when I told her. It's been months now, and I've basically given up all hope in a romantic relationship with her, though part of me still longs for whatever hope in hell I still have for it. So along comes a new girl, who's very similar to the prior one, except I get this special connection with her from the bat that I rarely get with anyone. I have an interest in her, but I don't KNOW her well enough to really like her on the level needed for a relationship. How do I know I'm not just subconsciously starting to like her as a way of getting over the last heartbreak? And how do I know if she's really the type of girl I would truly like if I hardly know her? Also, something you should know about me--I've never been in a relationship, and thus, have no skills and little idea as to how I would treat a girl differently outside of a relationship but exp It seems every time I try to flirt or do something special, they don't like it one bit. If I went all the way with that from the get-go, wouldn't that be even worse? (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-10-06 05:35 PM) (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-10-06 05:41 PM) (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-10-06 05:52 PM) (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-10-06 06:08 PM) |
|||
HighSorceressDelial Goomba   Since: 11-18-05 From: Shimmering Waters of Avden Last post: 6471 days Last view: 6471 days |
| ||
| ...wft? That advice is absolutely horrible.
Although the first thing I have to address is this idea that once a guy is friends with a girl, she'll put him on a "friends" list and never want to date him, which is completely and utterly false. If a guy is friends with a girl, and then develops feelings for her and tries to go out with her, if she rejects him it isn't because they were friends first, it's because she wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. For example, I've only gone out with guys that I've been friends with for a very long time. There is *no way* I'd randomly start going out with someone that I didn't know extremely well before hand. And unlike what the advice you were given says, if you come off too strong at the beginning, the girl is just going to completely shut you out and not even give you the chance to get to know her better. Sure you could hint at things to let her know that you're interested, but don't over do it. And the bit about being cocky, arrogant, proud, etc...ugh. Just ugh I say. I'm ready to smack the next arrogant guy that start hitting on me. It's a huge turn off and it's extremely annoying. There's nothing wrong with being confident in yourself, but when it gets to the point of being easily noticed (or when the guy actually starts telling the girl about how great he is) it's very grating. Just be yourself, because if a girl doesn't want to be with you for whom you are, in the long run it's not going to work, so just keep looking. |
|||
|
D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6325 days Last view: 6325 days |
| ||
| I agree.
People keep telling me I shouldn't be myself, I should be BETTER than myself. And yes, changing and growing is something that happens with time. But a girl should loe me for who I am NOW. My family and my friends love me for who I am NOW, and so should my love interest. However, Delial, when it comes to that 'friends' list, a lot of girls DO that. I didn't think they did, but it happens more often than I'd like to think. Just about all of my friends that are girls have told me, "Yea, when I first met you, I knew I'd never like you in that way." So it's basically the same thing. So, Delial, do you think it's better to hide any feelings like that I may have for long periods of time like that? Could you please further explain, witeasprinwow? And byu the way, if a crack addict was a genuinely amazing person, yes, i WOULD love them for who they were. What they do and who they are are not necessarily the same thing. An addiction is not something inherent to someone's personality. And of course I'd want them to change, but the reason I'd want them to change is BECAUSE I love them and want to see them live a better life, not because they should rise to meet my standards. (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-10-06 07:51 PM) |
|||
|
jeff Double metal axe  Since: 11-17-05 Last post: 6280 days Last view: 6279 days |
| ||
Originally posted by HighSorceressDelial Originally posted by HighSorceressDelial completely and utterly false, huh? none of the advice they give(or what you quoted; i don't really feel like reading a long thread) sounds like advice for a serious relationship. it sounds more like to me like one night stand stuff. i never bothered with dating because i'm a mysogynist, but i like this one: Originally posted by some dude why do you think that's bad advice? it's good for some people. saying you should be yourself kind of sounds bad, like avoiding things you need. what if you're someone who makes cruel jokes about rape and aids(like me)? do you think being yourself would help a gal like you? i don't(and trust me it doesn't). or let's say you might be overweight, and working out so you lose weight becomes a bad thing because it's not being yourself? i think that's what he means, is that, you'll have to change a lot. relationships are in the end, an ultimate compromise. |
|||
|
D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6325 days Last view: 6325 days |
| ||
| You're taking 'being myself' way way too literally. What if me, being myself, wants to lose weight? I'm still being myself, I'm choosing to change certain aspects of me.
I think it becomes a problem when you start doing it for someone else in order to get them to like you. I don't think it's intelligent to change for others to love you, but to change BECAUSE you love others. Or yourself. |
|||
|
witeasprinwow Since: 12-29-05 Last post: 6389 days Last view: 6389 days |
| ||
| If you want an AWESOME girl, but you're not an AWESOME guy, then why do you think she would bother with you? If she's such an awesome girl, then certainly she could do better than an average guy. Which is where the whole self-improvement thing stems from.
All I'm trying to say is that, even if a girl thinks you're the cutest thing ever, you have to get your own act together before getting anyone else involved. If you're overweight, get in shape. If you're shy, talk to random strangers until you aren't. If you have bland conversations, learn to be funny. If you dress like an idiot, buy some new clothes and learn how to dress. If you're too poor to do that, then get a job. As for the girl? Make it clear you like her. Do you have problems with trust, or are you afraid of being hurt? You seem to take these relationship things awfully slow. At some point you just have to make the jump. Pull the trigger. If you build it up forever the girl might get the wrong message and move on. Of course, considering you posted that you don't even want to kiss your wife before marriage... I don't know what to tell you. Good luck finding a girl who shares those virtues and NOT getting divorced in two years. -- Even though it seems like Delilal was disagreeing with me, I think she actually made some good points, and that what she and I were saying aren't mutually exclusive. While I'd say she's in the minority in that she only dates friends, I agree that there's nothing wrong with making that jump. I'm just saying that you shouldn't fake being "just friends" with someone in order to be something more than them. A LOT of guys do this without really thinking about it. Also, like Delilal said, make your intentions known but be SUBTLE about it. Coming on too strong is a no-no. And I completely agree on the "arrogance is not confidence" thing. I joke about being the best, but I make it clearly known that I am joking. I'm slightly cocky, but not THAT full of myself. |
|||
Black Lord + Flurry Since: 11-17-05 From: Where indians still roam... Last post: 6281 days Last view: 6282 days |
| ||
Originally posted by witeasprinwow Quoted for truth. Thing is, I think for the most part (not all the time), people go out with people that are on the same level of attractiveness, intelligence, and drive (not wealth). I admit, ocassionally you'll find the one couple where one of them is super smart/attractive/ambitious and the other isn't, but for the most part, if one person wants to go places, and the other just wants to exist, it's not gonna work out. And with the whole kissing thing, these days... kissing is like shaking hands almost... hell, cosmo tells chicks that after three dates it's okay to start with the really dirty stuff. So you might wanna rethink that kissing thing, it'll make for some misread signals if you don't. |
|||
Silvershield   580  Since: 11-19-05 From: Emerson, New Jersey Last post: 6292 days Last view: 6280 days |
| ||
| To address a bit of a side topic that has risen, I really don't know if the advice hawked by Cosmo is really to be taken as the end-all of what is "right" (whatever "right" might be). I'm one of the more chaste people my age that I know, and I also have one of the more conservative opinions regarding physicality between a dating couple, but I think delaying a first kiss until the altar is a bit extreme. It bothers me that kissing is, in fact, no more than "shaking hands" (as exp Beyond kissing, though, things become more serious. I believe in maintaining one's virginity until marriage, yes, but even steps of physical contact that come between a simple kiss and a "home run" are to be reserved for a committed, long-term, earnestly devoted and serious relationship. Just thought I'd step in as a kind of middle ground between the original poster and the idea that physical contact is to be engaged in freely without qualm. |
|||
|
Black Lord + Flurry Since: 11-17-05 From: Where indians still roam... Last post: 6281 days Last view: 6282 days |
| ||
Originally posted by Silvershield I'm not saying that that's my very own opinion, but with most members of the female species that I've run across in my day, they throw around kisses like it's nothing. I myself wouldn't even kiss on the first date. I'm just saying, to a lot of people these days, kissing (and even stuff more intimate) is like shaking hands. I'm not saying that for everyone... but I know that I'm in the minority when it comes to saving intimacy for serious relationships. |
|||
|
D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6325 days Last view: 6325 days |
| ||
| Haha.
Um...Yeeea... I think maybe I forgot one llittle detail...Sorry.  ;
I'm going to a Wesleyan Christian College full of conservatives. Kissing is NOT like shaking hands. Dating is not something you just DO. And people around here have standards that are higher than most others. "All I'm trying to say is that, even if a girl thinks you're the cutest thing ever, you have to get your own act together before getting anyone else involved. If you're overweight, get in shape. If you're shy, talk to random strangers until you aren't. If you have bland conversations, learn to be funny. If you dress like an idiot, buy some new clothes and learn how to dress. If you're too poor to do that, then get a job. " I think you're making a mistake in saying that personality traits like how funny or shy someone is should be CORRECTED. Being shy isn't bad, neither is being unfunny. Some people LIKE shy, quiet people, and others HATE people who try to hard to joke around. I don't know where I fall under shy/funny, but it shouldn't matter. Becoming less shy isn't some 'right' thing I should strive for, it's something that will happen if I actually want it to. Obesitiy is different because it's physical and actually affects your health. Dressing like an 'idiot' is all a matter of opinion. Some people like wearing zippers, baggy pants, and whatever. I don't myself, but I know people who do, an dthey those things look good. So that's another bad example. You're making the 'awesome-ness' of a person into some physical, measurable factor, which is it isn't. This last girl I liked? She's a klutz, she's childish, she's uber conservative, she lets her mom control her life, etc. etc. But I love her (as a person) so I can look past those things and see the GOOD in her, as the good is what actually MATTERS. Do I think letting her mom control her life is good? No, not one bit. But it's not important to me compared to her good qualities. "As for the girl? Make it clear you like her. Do you have problems with trust, or are you afraid of being hurt? You seem to take these relationship things awfully slow. " The problem is that you're assuming that knowing I like her is an easy thing. I mean, LIKING her. A crush is not something I think is good for basing a relationship like that on. I don't have problems with trusting people. However, how can I expect someone to trust me who i don't know very well? Trust is something that you need to build. I'm not that afraid of ME being hurt--I have expect it at this point. I'm afraid of hurting HER, because she could be very uncomfortable by me liking her, as this past girl was. She wasn't flattered, she didn't think it was cute, she 'wasn't touched' at all--she was appalled and disgusted. "I'm just saying that you shouldn't fake being "just friends" with someone in order to be something more than them. A LOT of guys do this without really thinking about it. " OK, see, now, I'm no longer confused. At all. You thought that I was some shallow person who only wants to get to know a girl in order to date them. Of COURSE that's stupid. I've never done that, that's WHY I don't tell them I like them right away, because they might assume that. Liking someone and becoming friends because I want to date them does not happen. I become someone's friend first because friendship is, in my opinion, what any kind of relationship should e built on--not just raw attraction. Anyway, it's not that I'm opposed to kissing, it's just... I think kissing and sexual acts are pointless and stupid unless they're with someone you love and are devoted to. I will probably want to kiss a girl once I fall in love completely and build a romantic relationship full of trust, etc. But I haven't yet. And that aside, emotional elements are what excites me more than physical ones--I want physical elements to support and embrace the emotional ones. Anyway, some good conversation goin' on, thanks for input, peoples. Also, all of these things you guys keep saying are how 'most people' act... Well, around here, those things...aren't... (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-11-06 06:37 PM) (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-11-06 06:51 PM) |
|||
|
witeasprinwow Since: 12-29-05 Last post: 6389 days Last view: 6389 days |
| ||
Originally posted by D3stiny_Sm4sher I have no clue what to tell you. I don't think anyone here can give you advice. In fact, I don't think anyone can give you advice at all. There is no good advice for this. Originally posted by D3stiny_Sm4sher Would you want to be around someone who is shy, unfunny, insecure, overweight, and boring? It's all about you and what you want. If you want a girl who likes shy guys, then fine, but understand that you are being extremely picky and shooting for a tiny fraction of the human population. By that fact you are going to rule out a lot of awesome girls who just don't happen to like shy people. Originally posted by D3stiny_Sm4sher Yes, it is. It isn't objective, but as people we all evaluate each other. You obviously don't like people who have loose sexual morals, therefore you think they aren't awesome people. You have measured them in a way. Maybe it isn't a tangible measurement, but it exists none-the-less. Originally posted by D3stiny_Sm4sher If you really think she likes you, then you have no reason to fear hurting her. Maybe I am over-confident, but when I am feeling unsure, I just tell myself: "Maybe she will be offended, but I am giving her the chance to know a good person like myself, and that is a good intention." |
|||
Jomb Deddorokku  Since: 12-03-05 From: purgatory Last post: 6282 days Last view: 6282 days |
| ||
| It seems like you really dont want advice because all advice which contradicts what you are already doing is obviously faulty. But look at it this way, has what you've been doing worked out for you? Apparantly being super nice and friendly and never kissing anyone is not working for you or you would'nt need advice.
You should just go for it and shoot for a romance instead of a friendship. How many friends do you need? Seems like you have tons of friends but no girlfriend. What you want is a girlfriend, not yet another friend. Take some risks to get one. Try being slightly more bold than you have been. Dont go overboard with it, but make it clear you want a date. If it does'nt work out you've lost nothing, but at least you know you tried and did all you could. The no kissing till marriage thing is very odd and could be a stumbling block for you. I've never yet met a girl who would be cool with that. I've known lots of girls who wanted to wait till marriage for sex, but would probably have left me very quickly if i would'nt kiss them. Most girls will probably think you are odd after the second date with no kiss, and by the third they will automatically start thinking you are'nt attracted to them and are'nt interested in a relationship. I'd think the same thing if the roles were reversed and my girlfriend refused to kiss me. |
|||
|
D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6325 days Last view: 6325 days |
| ||
| Arrrrrr...*rubs temples*
Yea, there's definitely some miscommunication goin' on here... Jomb: - I want advice, I just want advice that actually makes sense within the context of where I live and people around here. Unfortunately, everyone (here or there) who has tried giving me advice on this does NOT live in an environment like mine, and the people in general think and act differenly than they do here. Also, stop putting words in my mouth. I never said the stuff I don't agree with is faulty, I said I don't AGREE with it. As in, I don't think it would work well in my situation, and it is unlike myself in a bad way. That's me, my opinion, I never said it was some fact that applies to all. - Being super nice and friendly and holding back physical attention DOES work, I have seen it work, it just hasn't worked for me yet. I don't need advice, I want it, to see if I really am doing something wrong, or if I just haven't met the right type of person yet. Last time I checked, friends were not something one needs. They're something I like to have, and there's no harm in having more friends. I always want another friend. Always. But I want something more than that with one person, yes. And I have taken risks, the thing is, I take them too early or too boldly. And if it doesn't work out, yes, I CAN lose something--I can lose a friend. And I thought I've said this already, but I'll say it again (or the first time), that I have made no vow or anything that I will never kiss, it's just that I'm not interested in that right now because I am not in a relationship with someone I'd want to do that with. Any type of physical stuff like that needs an emotional base to it (for ME). Thus, for me, dating is not something I can just jump into, it needs to be built on a strong basis--physicality is not strong, it's weak and fleeting, but emotional/mental bonds are strong. If I'm not friends with the girl, I'll feel VERY uncomfortable just making out or what-not with her, it would just be awkward. I'm sure when I finally am in a relationship with someone I will be very open tp physical stuff. It's not my morals or my standards, it's just...my tastes. witeasprinwow: Would I want to be around someone who is shy, insecure, and 'boring' (boring being based on one's OPINION, mind you, yet you keep treating it like it's some quantitative measurement, like a quart, or a meter, when it's not)? Sure I would, depending on the girl as a whole. If she was shy and insecure but sweet and kind, always going out of her way to do nice things for people but being modest about it, I'd think that was very admirable. Kissing is not the same as shaking hands around here and everyone doesn't just jump into dating relationships willy nilly. That doesn't mean there is 'no good advice' for this, it means that no one here seems to understand that environment well enough to be able to give advice that makes sense within that context. "You're making the 'awesome-ness' of a person into some physical, measurable factor, which is it isn't." "[bYes, it is. It isn't objective, but as people we all evaluate each other. " So you're saying that personality traits are physical and can be measured the same like inches, liters, and miles? They can't be. You acknowledge this, thankfully (and contradict your own sentence, although maybe you meant 'yes, it's measurable as in people evaluate you'). Yes, people evaluate each other. But what you didn't get from what I said earlier is that it's still all a matter of personal opinion--what one person thinks is arrogant another person may not. It's not a physical and tangible measurement that is universal. That was what I meant. You're treating it like it is when it's not. 'Obese' even, (though there is a scientific definition) is something that everyone has their own opnion on. Some girls think they are fat when they may, in fact, be of average weight. "If you want a girl who likes shy guys, then fine, but understand that you are being extremely picky and shooting for a tiny fraction of the human population. By that fact you are going to rule out a lot of awesome girls who just don't happen to like shy people. " I am NOT being extremely picky, it's other people who are being picky if me being shy is enough, by itself, for them to never be able to like me. That's THEM having high standards. You accuse me of having high standards, yet you keep telling me I need to change in order to get girls to notice me--girls don't need to do anything but be themselves for me to notice or like them. Sure, I may notice flaws, but I'm open-minded enough to be bale to look past those and appreciate their good sides. "You obviously don't like people who have loose sexual morals, therefore you think they aren't awesome people. You have measured them in a way. Maybe it isn't a tangible measurement, but it exists none-the-less. " Again, you keep plastering undesire qualities to the concept of just 'not liking' people. I don't like loose sexual morals at all. That doesn't mean I hate everyone who has loose sexual morals. I recently met a girl who just walked right up to me and was leaning into me and all types of stuff--she already has a boyfriend, and I had just met her, and it made me very uncomfortable. But that one trait isn't enough for me to say, "Well, she's dumb and I hate her." She's funny, she's nice, she's outgoing, and she's a good person--she's just sexually loose. If her fiance is fine with that, well, OK. I mean, if I was dating her, it would be something I'd want her to change. But I don't think people should change to BE loved, they should change because THEY love. I don't expect everyone to think like that, obviously, but that's a belief that is important to me, so I'd probably not be able to be in a relationship with someone who didn't agree with it and thought I should change in order for me to like me. See, the thing is, some qualities are considered more important to indivual people than others. Being sexually loose is something that bothers me MUCH more than someone being shy. If me being shy is much more important to someone than how physical I am, we just don't match up very well, and there's no point trying to force it, now, is there? I'm not trying to force myself in a relationship, and it feels like you guys are telling me I should be. "If you really think she likes you, then you have no reason to fear hurting her." I'm horrible at telling if a girl likes me--but it doesn't matter, because none of my friends that are girls ever have TRULY liked me the way I've liked them, so it doesn't matter. If I can't tell if she likes me or not, or even if I think she might, I could hurt her, easily. I know I hurt the last girl when I told her I liked her. She felt guilty, she wasn't touched by it at all, and she was annoyed. All bad things. If I had told her 7 months earlier, she would've felt the same way. I know this because any time I hinted at it she would get uncomfortable, so I decided to stop hinting at it for a long time to avoid making her uncomfortable, but it got to the point where I had to get it off my chest and tell her. "Maybe I am over-confident, but when I am feeling unsure, I just tell myself: "Maybe she will be offended, but I am giving her the chance to know a good person like myself, and that is a good intention."" That's a very interesting way to go about it. I can't say if it's over-confident or not, though. It sounds kind of cocky to me, but...It is a comment of good self-esteem at the same time. --- Most of the time, when a person laughs, it’s an UNCONSCIOUS way of saying “I like you, and I’d like you to like me”. It’s a SOCIAL BONDING tool. Then I saw a TV program about laughter. It REALLY blew my mind… On the program they talked about the fact that people almost never laugh when they’re alone… and that if a man and woman are together you can predict if they’re going to get together by the type of laughter that goes on between them. Even more mind-blowing. Well, after getting into it more, I discovered that people almost ALWAYS laugh when they want other people to like and approve of them... and only RARELY do they laugh in response to a joke or something funny. What do you guys think of that? It makes sense to me, but at the same time... Don't people also laugh when they're uncomfortable? I know this girl from Taiwan laughs around me all the time, but it's not...like...a good laugh. It feels like a bad laugh. This happens no matter what I do--I try to be witty, I try to pick on her in a light-hearted way, anything. Always the same. But I've seen her around her friends, and she doens't laugh that same way. She laughs differently, in a good way. Many people have tried telling me the way that girl acts around me is a sign that she likes me--and every sign I give them convinces them further that it's true...until I tell them she doesn't like me, of course. Because she doesn't like me. She's told all of her friends that, she's told my friends that, and she's told ME that. But she gives off signs that seem say otherwise. Also, there have been times when girls have seemed to be interested in me but I find out later they weren't at all--I seem to do this myself to girls without even thinking about it. They always seem to think I like them in that way when I don't, so they feel uncomfortable. So, it's not as easy as one would think to tell if a girl likes you or not. (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-12-06 04:05 PM) (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-12-06 04:13 PM) (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 08-12-06 04:14 PM) |
|||
|
witeasprinwow Since: 12-29-05 Last post: 6389 days Last view: 6389 days |
| ||
For the love of god, make your posts shorter. Condense and edit. Half of what you said could have been cut out.
It really is. There's a basic set of signs almost all girls give to people they like: maintaining eye contact, intentional "accidental" physical contact, playfullness, competition (ever wonder why pool halls are hot dating spots?), lauging on cue. If she does all those, she either likes you or is intentionally acting like she likes you. If she says she doesn't like you but she does all those things, she is either lying to you or herself. She may be unwilling to admit that she likes you, or she might be using you for something else.
No, you just don't understand what the word 'intangible' means. You can measure things that cannot be touched. Maybe measure isn't the right word. You are estimating or judging how awesome they are.
You restated exactly what I said, and told me I was wrong in saying it.
Look, dating is like economics. It's like trading in the stock market, even. Everyone wants to find that perfect Mr. or Mrs. Right. Some of them will mess up and end up selling themselves for less, some of them will hold on too long and crash and burn to to impossible standards, and then some of them will get out at the top with the man or woman they've always dreamed of. You are shy and YOU want a girl who likes you for being shy. That is something YOU want in a girl. You are cutting down the number of woman who will be willing to date you (and who you will be willing to date) via this requirement. This is something you are choosing to be picky on. Obviously, you have to find a middle ground of standards vs availability. I'm not saying you should have no standards, but getting rid of your shyness would be a great way for you to become more dateable. You will meet more people, each of whom will like you more because you aren't shy. If you want to sit around, not change yourself at all, and hope that Ms. Dream Woman stumbles upon you and falls madly in love with you, go ahead, but let me tell you: If there is a girl like that, she is one in a billion, and the chances of her stumbling into you like that is slim to none. Einstien defined stupidity as "Doing something over and over again and expecting different results every time." If you want something different in your future, you have to take control and change your path in life, and that means taking control of yourself. Maybe it's not fair, maybe you weren't blessed with the natural ability to put women at ease, but it doesn't matter. You can win a game of poker without the best cards. You can either take control of your situation and reach for your dreams or give up and take whatever just so happens to fall into your lap. It's your choice. I think I'm done posting in this thread. (edited by witeasprinwow on 08-12-06 04:49 PM) (edited by witeasprinwow on 08-12-06 04:53 PM) (edited by witeasprinwow on 08-12-06 05:04 PM) (edited by witeasprinwow on 08-12-06 05:07 PM) (edited by witeasprinwow on 08-12-06 05:10 PM) |
|||
Snow Tomato Snap Dragon  Since: 12-31-05 From: NYC Last post: 6300 days Last view: 6286 days |
| ||
| I haven't read the whole thread besides the first post, and I know that's looked down on generally.. but something popped out at me.
"Short tips. Be cocky, be arrogant, be proud, be confident. Girls don't like seeing their guy shy and stutter. Don't give out compliments for loosely. It's weird. Be INTERESTING." That one. One phrase specifically. Be INTERESTING. Yeah, that one usually works. If you come off as mysterious, a dreamer, a thinker and as someone who has ambitions hopes and dreams... usually more than not.. a girl will end up in your lap. It might even be the one you're trying to reach. Don't go too out of your way to try and get that one girl. Honestly, be yourself.. step into a new place with new people and just be yourself.. don't try to impress anyone.. be genuine and be yourself. Eventually it'll click. And that's my advice on getting the girl (or guy) of your dreams. |
|||
|
D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6325 days Last view: 6325 days |
| ||
| Thanks.
I wish being a thinker and dreamer was something people here admired, but they don't. 
I can't really 'meet new people' wen I'm in a college out in the middle of nowhere--not until a new year starts, which it is. There's a LOT of AMAZING people here, don't get me wrong at all. I love it here. That's why I've stayed. But just being a thinker, a dreamer, someone who has hopes/dreams...that just doesn't seem so important around here if they're hopes and dreams that aren't identical (I'm using that word on purpose) to the other person, they're irrelevent, it seems. But thanks, Snow, your advice sounds more like it's aimed at what I'm actually looking for. Maybe I should try to be more mysterious, or something. |
|||
|
Snow Tomato Snap Dragon Since: 12-31-05 From: NYC Last post: 6300 days Last view: 6286 days |
| ||
| Don't assume that people who make lousy choices don't have hopes are dreams. That is a terrible mistake to make. Everyone is worth knowing, everyone is worth trying to get to know. Don't limit yourself because you don't agree with their lifestyle. Cause then you're ruling out almost half of the human race.
Most people appreciate someone who's genuine and tells it how it is. And another thing, if you want to be loved.. really loved. You have got to love yourself. Do your own thing and it will click I promise. You just need patience. |
|||
|
Jomb Deddorokku Since: 12-03-05 From: purgatory Last post: 6282 days Last view: 6282 days |
| ||
| Just because you did'nt say something does'nt mean it was'nt implied. Until after my post when Snow Tomato chimed in, you basically told everyone who tried to give you advice that they were wrong and what they were suggesting was foolishness.
if "being super nice and friendly and holding back physical attention" works so well, then why dont you have a GF right now? Why do you want advice at all if that is the path to sucess and what you are already doing? Should'nt this be you giving everyone else advice on how to be super nice and friendly and hold back physical attention as a technique to attract women? If you attempting to date a girl causes her to hate you and never want to be your friend, then one of 2 things is going on. either 1) you went way too overboard with the "being bold" thing and she thinks you are a stalker, or 2) she is a prissy jerk and not worthy of your friendship anyway. About the kissing thing, I could swear you said earlier that you did'nt want to kiss anyone until after marriage, if i misread that somewhere than my apologies. I'm not suggesting you walk up to a girl you are attracted to but dont know and say"hello baby" then immediately french kiss her. I would'nt even do that. I dont normally kiss a girl until the second date, or maybe the end of the first if it went extremely well. By the end of a date or 2 you know her well enough to like her. You dont have to me madly in love with her to kiss her. Its very obvious to me that you have little to no dating experience. You actually somewhat remind me of me when i had little or no dating experience. I used to not want to date anyone unless she was "the one", then i would invest a tremendous amout of emotion in my GF about a month or 2 after we started dating. In my opinion you are setting yourself up for some serious depression when you do meet a girl and start dating her. Its very very rare for that first or even 2nd or 3rd or 4th one to be truly lasting. If you happen to date your soul mate right off the bat you a basically a lottery winner. You dont have to date multiple girls at once, but you're better off dating without a whole lot of emotional investment right away, this is not to say treat her badly, but be realistic about whether or not this is the girl you will one day marry, or would really want to marry. Most girls are not looking at dating the way you are, even if they seem to be or pretend to be. Being at a Christian College full of conservatives does'nt necessarily mean what you think it does either. I dated a girl who went to a Christian College full of conservatives once. She was very conservative when other people were around, but it was a sham, she was extremely kinky and perverted in the bedroom and at any time when no one she knew was around. She was the wildest woman i ever dated when you get down to it, but she was like another person when her family or friends from school were around. Human nature is human nature i guess, no matter where you are in the US. |
| Pages: 1 2 | Add to favorites | Next newer thread | Next older thread |
| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Femine's Corner - Horrible Dating Advice, anyone? "The times are changin'." |
| |
