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| Acmlm's Board - I3 Archive - Femine's Corner - The Feeling's not Mutual: how to continue? |
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D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji                  Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6340 days Last view: 6340 days |
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| OK, so...
I met a girl early on in college, at the beginning of this school year. She's a sophomore, and I'm a freshman. OK, so, I'll just go through the important stuff. We've been friends ever since. She's really busy, so we don't talk or hang out that much--then again, I don't really see or talk to most of my friends, because they're all so busy. In November, I started to have feelings for her. Those feelings grew and grew, until, finally, I told her about them last week. Sadly, she doesn't return them. We both really care about each other, though, and we're really considerate of each other. I can't force her to like me, and I also can't force myself to stop liking her. These feelings are really strong, and I can't see them going away any time soon. However, I've liked her for months now, and I haven't given her a reason to not trust me. So what do you guys think I should work on? Right now, my plan is to put my feelings for her on the backburner, try to ignore them, and concentrate on our friendship, and just see what happens. After all, we still have 2 more years in college together, and her family has even moved (coincidentally) where I live, so who knows what will happen after college. I feel confident that our friendship has a very high potential to become long-lasting and strong. But I've never felt this way about a girl before, so I'm kind of worried that these feelings won't go away, and that she'll never like me. The only times I've been able to get over girls in my past, they were complete jerks to me for prolonged periods of time--that's what it took. This girl is doing the opposite. The thing I try to keep in mind is that we're in college, and people change. A year or two from now, I may naturally get over her, or she may naturally start liking me. I know a time from my past when I didn't have feelings for a friend, and she did for me, and after she told me, I was open to the possibility of us together, and later, I did start feeling the same way for her. (Too bad she was a bitch, but, hey.) I've considered that maybe she simply doesn't find me attractive, but I remember how I looked at her when we first met, and once I got to know her better and we connected more, she just...got prettier, somehow. I mean, she looks the same, of course, but somehow, to me, she's more beautiful than any girl I've ever met, even though when I think about it, she looks rather plain.  Anyone plain can be lovely, though.
Anyway, what do you think? Am I on a good track? |
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Skydude Armos Knight    Since: 02-18-06 From: Stanford, CA Last post: 6569 days Last view: 6569 days |
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| Well, I've definitely had the same experience with several of my female friends at school (which I actually seem to have more of than male friends, for one reason or another), and it actually strained several of my friendships with them to the breaking point. I was convinced, at some level, that if I kept being friends with them, and was a great guy, eventually they would "turn"...
That's a bad idea. A really bad idea. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes it happens. And when it does, it's awesome. But you definitely don't want to try, because even if things seem fine, two bad things can come of it. The first is that you will continue to think of her in that way, which will hurt the development of a friendship as it should happen, as well as prevent to some extent feelings for other girls who might reciprocate. Secondly, it might make her feel awkward. If you're really close friends, not to the point where she wants to break off friendship, but enough so that it bothers her...and if you're a good friend, then you care that it bothers her. So my advice is basically to treat her as a friend. You can't stop infatuation, obviously, so you're going to feel things for her. Perfectly natural. But you can make an attempt to move on and just see her as a friend, and the friendship can grow as it should. And should she change her mind, there's nothing to prevent the feelings from coming back. |
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D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6340 days Last view: 6340 days |
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| Right! Precisely!
That's what I told her I wanted to do! OK, if you've been in similar situations, and that's what you do, then that gives me more encouragement about this. I just hope she can continue to treat ME as a friend. I realized today, when we talked, that she may have trouble ignoring this fact, as well. It'll all work out for the best in the end. (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 03-17-06 05:07 PM) |
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1117 Mumbies  Since: 03-16-06 From: Peoria, Illinois Last post: 6626 days Last view: 6626 days |
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Originally posted by Skydude Agreed. |
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D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6340 days Last view: 6340 days |
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| Ya know what the problem with that is?
Take away my hope, and I have no motivation. And as a result, I become LESS mature at the same time as becoming MORE mature. |
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Skydude Armos Knight Since: 02-18-06 From: Stanford, CA Last post: 6569 days Last view: 6569 days |
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| It's not about taking away the hope. It's about redirecting it. Hope you can be friends with her, and find someone with whom you can share something more than friendship as well. If you really do value this girl as a friend above all else, then the friendship can work. But if you begin to think of her primarily as a romantic interest, and a friend second, that's when there are problems. | |||
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D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6340 days Last view: 6340 days |
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| I know that, that's not what I meant.
It's that it's hope inside me that I have to kill, one way or the other, and hope lost is still hope lost. Besides, there isn't anyone in my life right now whom I can hope for more than friendship now, and that deprives me of that type of hope, which gives me drive to really do stuff. Of course I value our friendship more. I value her immensely. But here's the catch: does SHE value ME? Because if she doesn't value me (and the more I think about it, the more that seems likely) then I'll be getting my hopes up for our friendship to become strong, and it won't, because she doesn't want it to. I've never thought such complex things about someone in my life, so this is new. (and when I say complex, I mean lots of stuff I haven't mentioned) But people change. And I've changed because of this, so I hope that she learns, and grows, and changes, too, like I have. Even if she doesn't value me right now, she may later in the future. *shrug* All I know is that for some reason, I don't want to give up on our friendship, even if she doesn't value it that much. -- No, she doesn't really value me very much. That's been the crutch in our relationship. I value her, I enjoy being with her, spending time with her, and she simply doesn't value me, enjoy being with me, or have any real desire to do so. She has no real desire to build our relationship in any way. She's afraid of change, I think, but change happens whether we're afraid of it or not. If she doesn't want us to get to know each other well and have a strong bond, we never will. Simple as that. I can only hope that something will change sooner than later. (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 03-19-06 06:57 PM) (edited by D3stiny_Sm4sher on 03-19-06 06:57 PM) |
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D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6340 days Last view: 6340 days |
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| I think I've found a way to figure out the truth!
But I need someone who can read Chinese and translate... Anybody know of someone I could ask? |
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Skydude Armos Knight Since: 02-18-06 From: Stanford, CA Last post: 6569 days Last view: 6569 days |
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| I'm not sure what it is you're going to try to do, but anything that involves "decoding" stuff like that is most likely a bad idea.
Another option you have, though, if you think otherwise, is an online translation tool. They certainly aren't perfect, but you might be able to get the gist of what's there. |
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D3stiny_Sm4sher Ninji Since: 02-04-06 From: Searching for t3h g4t3... Last post: 6340 days Last view: 6340 days |
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| Aye, indeed.
'Twas a good thing I did, too, because it led to her calling me and us talking about stuff that we sort of needed to talk about. Apparently, she doesn't even realize that she acts weird around me--she does, though. The thing is, it reminds me of when I realized that I was acting weird around her. Once I realized I was, I was able to figure out why, and the answer was that I liked her. |
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