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| Hiryuu Posts: 2173/2480 |
By Becky, you aren't meaning ol' Bill are you? God her takes on 'Sailor Sun' were great. A shame she hasn't updated her work in quite some time (at least two years).
And that's a good start for a fic, but I think you'd be better off expanding on what you have written. It feels very rough, but that could definitely be used as an idea if it were ever put to a fanfic for Ranma ½. You're just missing a whole bunch of How? and Why? in your shortfic. Then again, most shortfics are lucky to have either of the two questions asked. Most of them assume that you know the series, either, like the back of your hand. It'd help if you put some more details into it, for sure. I like the concept, though, if it was ever brought out. God knows that Ranma already has a dozen fiancees as is. |
| Silvershield Posts: 520/587 |
Originally posted by PrincessPeachYou have your work cut out for you, but I think it would be a pretty major job to overhaul the piece to the point that I would fully understand it. And, again, I have to point out that that's more a consequence of my own unfamiliarity with the subject more than it is a criticism of your work. Originally posted by PrincessPeachHey, it's a tribute to you that I couldn't even tell that English isn't your first language. I thought you were a native speaker who just had some minor issues, but I'm impressed that you're actually a native German speaker  .
Originally posted by PrincessPeachIt was clever. It was a scenario that I never would've dreamed up on my own. Originally posted by PrincessPeachThere are plenty of good textbooks and that sort of thing, but if you're looking for something a little less dense then a quick Google search turned up this. Hopefully it's helpful. If you ever need any specific advice or proofreading on something you've written, I'm sure you could post it up here and I or someone else would be happy to lend a hand. |
| PrincessPeach Posts: 333/381 |
Hello, and first I want to thank you for a usable review (I postet this spamfic on the FFML, they had other concerns than you).
Even if you're not my intended audience, you are right, I should be more detailed about the environment, it would realy help the depth of the fic. But then It would still lack some important information about Ranma 1/2 and / or Super Mario Bros. I think I would be better in describing things in German, as this is my primary language, but I should be able to do a better job in English. But I hope it was at least funny for you (That was the primary goal of this piece of text). Btw: Do you know of a good document about punctation, using of commas and stuff in English texts? |
| Silvershield Posts: 518/587 |
I know that it's just a brief fan fiction, so I don't want to be too harsh in a critique of it, but I do see some surface issues. For one thing, you tend to switch between past and present tenses at several points, which is both jarring to the reader and is just simply bad form. You offer little background, to the point that a reader who is unfamiliar with either of the source media (not your target audience, I know) is immediately lost. The tone, storyline, and style are a bit too silly, but that's not so much an objective critique as much as it's a subjective personal preference of mine.
My main problem with it is, as I said, there's so little background information provided that I can't really follow it until the exposition at the end. I'm not your intended reader, I'm sure, because you probably intend for your audience to be familiar enough to not have that problem, but I find myself totally lost as you describe the castle and the monster with the fire breath and the mutant turtles. I played the Mario games years ago, so it's vaguely familiar I suppose, but you could write it so that even a person who's never played those games can understand it: be more thorough and comprehensive in your description, and don't just jump from point to point (the hero is in the castle, then there's lava all around, then a boss appears, all without any sort of description in between each event). |
| PrincessPeach Posts: 332/381 |
I wrote this piece some months ago, Burger Becky helped me a little.
And on a side note, Acmlm's is unsuitable for ASCII formatted fanfictions. [{(<*>)}] <+> ZüriHB presents a Ranma 1/2 Crossover Fanficton Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Vom Regen in die Traufe. written by Kawaii-e based on an idea by Burger Becky [{(<*>)}] Finally, the last room of the eighth castle was in sight. In this castle, the princess had to be. It would have been very disappointing if the princess were in another castle, again. He already could feel the hot breath of the evil king. Hot lava everywhere made the innards of this dungeon hot. One final check of the super powers, and the fight could begin. The big turtle was ahead. Two meters of walking doom, balancing on a little bridge over the lava. "I just have to reach the golden axe", thought our hero. "As I did the last time and the time before that and the time before that.". The fire from the evil mutated turtle ceased and it started to throw hammers. This was our hero's chance to dive under it and hit the golden switch to the doom of the evil turtle, and the kingdom would be free once again. Only three meters. Two meters, Almost there. But then, a loud explosion was heard, and young man fell in. The red hatted hero was stomped into the bridge and knocked out. The big evil turtle turned around slowly, to face a true fighter, a martial artist par excellence. The Japanese boy was shocked at first, but got his bearings together and checked his surroundings while he got in a ready stance. The evil king started its breath attack and hammer throws. The young boy instinctively dodged the hammers while jumping over the hot fiery breath. As he landed on the golden axe, the bridge began to retract. He just had enough time to hold on the axe and the unconscious mustached man. The green daemon fell in the lava, it tried to swim, but eventually burned in the hot lava. It’s skeleton resurfaced briefly. [{(<*>)}] The young man entered the cavern behind the golden axe, and took the rescued man with him. In the cavern sat a young lady, nicely dressed, best suited for a princess or a wedding, but not for a prisoner in a cave guarded by giant mutated turtles. The woman looked up, and stopped sobbing as she heard the approaching footsteps. Her rescuer dropped her would be rescuer to the floor and approached her. "What happened to Mario? And who are you?" asked the princess, after she has seen both. "I'm Ranma Saotome, Sorry about this." said the young man, while scratching his neck in nervousness. The Princess approached Ranma slowly: "Thank you Ranma! Your quest is over. I present you with a new quest." and then kisses him. "Push Button B to select a world." Ranma was in a state of shock, but came out of it when the mustached man with a red cap stood up and cried bloody murder. "I'll push B alright!" he exclaimed as he booted Ranma in the rump. "You have chosen the World of Pain you rude boy!". Ranma stood up and in a ready stance: "That’s gratitude for you. I saved you, remember, and who are you anyway?" "I'm Super Mario! Rescuer of the Mushroom Kingdom and the Princess is MINE!" cried the red mustache. In this moment, the princess interrupts the fighters by bashing Mario with a frying pan: "Be nice Mario." She turned to Ranma and took his arm in hers: "Let's go home, honey." Ranma was confused and dragged away by the princess. [{(<*>)}] Disclaimer: Neither Ranma 1/2 nor Super Mario Bros. belong to me. Authors Notes: a Spamfic, based on an idea by Burger Becky. What if Ranma simply fell from the sky, land on Mario's head, bounce off and grab the last star. That will drop Bowser into hot lava and release the Princess. She has to marry her rescuer. Of course Ranma wants nothing to do with this and Mario now wants him dead. :P Big Special Thanks to: Burger Becky, for Idea, Prereading and stuff. To be concluded: If someone want's to write more based on this fic, feel free to do so. I certainly don't mind. Greetings <+> ZüriHB / Kawaii-e |
