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Kallias Octoballoon Level: 21  Posts: 29/160 EXP: 46075 For next: 3868 Since: 06-02-04 From: Barrhead, Alberta, Canada Since last post: 357 days Last activity: 286 days |
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| This is just a normal and casual rant of thoughts and such that are on my mind, sure you guys get alot of them. I don't have to many people i talk to about my beliefs, worrys, or thoughts....not to much of an outgoing social person, more of a listener than a talker. But I do sometimes feel better with an "open house rant" such as this...so just ignor if you like, Not to much that any person can say that will effect me in any major way. First off i just wanted to point out a few medical problems i am endureing, and i would also like to apologize for something i did in an earlier post in this section. Physically i was made....incomeplete, it's been a little hard at times but nothing so much i can handle, when i was born my muscles in my lumbar didnt want to evolve as fast as everything else, when i was younger it was a small problem but as i got older it started to hinder my efforts. I started going to the gym a while back not only to help strengthen these muscles but also get into a better physical condition (I was a very large child, lets just say when i was 10 i wore 42 sized pants, now i wear 38, i am 17 now) But lately it's becomeing increasinglu hard. The other "serious" problem i have involves a little something called the brain....hope it's not tooo to important.......anyways, my brain is literally a bit bigger than my skull, not much but it's enough. Ever since i was 3 i have had migrane problems, and over my life time i have taken medication for them, and for the most part they have helped. But i havent taken any meds in the past 2 weeks, the doctors say i am destroying my system because of the volume, power, and duration of me taking meds. As such my body is starting to reject them in a negative way, aka i am still feeling pretty sick. But i am good at ingnoring pain, so i dont worry about it to much. But my past is a long and dark one, so i trully dont wanna get into it, lets just say because of it i am sorta anti-social. I dont get out to much, and i dont like to work jobs for many reasons one being people in general. I have some pretty uniqe views on the world which i will get into later. But I have a graphic mind, i can picture anything or create any image in my head. One large negative of this is if i lose something it is very hard for me to find it, because i can picture it anywhere.....But with a mix of my negative past, my graphic mind, aand the increaseing mental stress (which i will also get into) I some times imagin things, or create to many senario's in my mind to keep up. And this is what i wanted to apologize for, in my previous post in this section i woke up for a deep thought late at night and said a few things that wern't totaly true, I didnt reply to that post again because this happens to me sometimes and i am embaressed because of it. This to i will explain in more depth, right now i am just trying to get you to understand my position on things. Ok so lets start with my dad, as i mentioned in my previous post he is working on a serious case against the Canadian Government and WCB. But some recent events have taken a turn for the worse. Because of my dad's degrading medical condition he has been forced to press forward with the legal cases, The rest of the people he works with and the organization he started didnt think this was such a grand idea so they have ceased all contact with him.....What he is doing now is pretty serious and gives me some cause for concern. His lawyers also dropped all contact with him because in reality they are afraid of what he has and what he wants to do...bring down parts of the government, because of this he could no longer aford lawyers. So through his logic he commited several acts of slander, public verbal offense and has start accusing certain government officials of acts of treason, murder, and corruption....which in it's self is considered treason. So they are filing charges against him...This is smart in a way because this way he gets a free lawyer and is going to use this to put forward all his evidence againt these individuals hopeing that the judge wont punish him to hard and help make some reperations for myself and the rest of the family and also take action against these individuals. I am a little worried about what will happen to him...he's becomeing very paranoid, and with just cause. As such he has dropped all contact with me, he forced his wife and my half brother and half sister to move into thier grandparents place for he fears for our lives. Some of you may not understand the total seriousness of this situation....people do threaten me because of who my father is and because they are sympathetic to the government, my father has even been sent to the hospital because of injuries from these people, so yes i am a little worried about it all....i guess thats all i can say. Now with the situation with Amber. Just so everyone doesnt have to refer back to my previous post for the information on her I will tell again. She is an online friend of mine that i met when i was 11...almost 7 years ago. She has been having a little finacial and emotional troubles lately and i have helped her with both. But me being who I am, having to loook over my sholder every now and then, and because of past events I found certain things to...scare me in a way. I have stayed away from relationships (and this to i will get to) and for about 2 months i have been helping Amber with emotional support, and for a month with financial...Her current situation was she had a child back in September with an asshole who was dissapeared off the face of the planet. Her parents kicked her out because they saw this as her saying she wants to attempt real life. And just for a little past on Amber he parents are rich...and she has been severly spoiled over the years so at first it was hard for her to addapt to a poorer way of life, but she eventually caught on. But I have always helped her out anyway i could, and she helped me out the same way. So because he child was sick, she had rent to pay and all of that, I phoned her parents against her objections. It was a pretty large phone bill to say the least, but she has moved back into her parents place....for a roof over her head, there not supplying her with money anymore which is kinda an alright thing. But because of my efforts in helping her and all that he now says she loves me. I of course had a crush on her from the begining of our relationship because she was one of the few women who actually talked to me on a personal level and actually cared about what I had to say. But i never thought it was returned, and that was easy for me to accept...But now she says she loves me, she wants to marry me, she wants me to be the father of her baby boy. And being who i was i read into this to much, i thought i was getting played so i found what would be considered evidence that she was lying to me about a few events......And this is what i wanted to apologize for, I was very nervous at the time when i replied in my earlier topic about how i went down to see Amber, and all i got was a laugh in my face. This wasnt true, it was just another senario i thought of to prepare for the worst event, and being tired and getting off the meds, i for a while....few hours, thought it to be true. And again I apologize to everyone. Just to clarify me and Amber have never met, we have talked on the phone and on Webcams before but have never met in person. But i just wanted so say in this paragraph that i am sorry for my loss of control over my mental state, and that i wanted everyone to know my current situation with Amber. Now I have had a dark past like i said above, i have a graphic mind as i said above, and i also have what could be a terminal sickness. The fact that my brain is bigger than my head isnt the largest concern....the fact that it hasnt stopped growing yet and my skull has is. If it continues to grow the pressure will increase, the pain will increase...and i want to point out again i am no longer capable of taking drugs...And they arnt sure if it will continue. And yes surgery is an option...but not a very good option. This isn't just one section of my head thats causeing the pressure, it's all over, so removing peices of my brain isnt the greatest idea because it wouldent be a minor chunk, it would be an entire layer.....and if it continures to grow...many layers. Losing that much of my mind will make me into a handicap person. And i personally dont like that idea at all..... But death has never been to much of a concern of mind, we knew that this might happen so i learned to accept it. But the fact that now Amber has these feelings for me has changed my thought patterns. I am finding myself thinking about her all the time and worrying about how she is when we are not in contact. Yes that may seem normal for a crush, even love but this personally scares me concerns me, and i will tell you why. Becuase of the personal violence i endured when i was younger mixed with my graohical mind (this is what counsilors and doctors have told me) I have a serious potential to be very dangerous. Why? you ask because when i see a person, i can literaly invision how in many ways i can kill them, This isnt just random thoughts of violence, i mean i can see how the blood will smear, and there facial reactions and counter actions. I just wanted to point out right now that this is not something i let people know, there are 3 people on acmlm's board who live in this same town and i hope they do not read this post, and i also just wated to say it has taken me 42 minutes to write that sentace and tell you all about that. It's nto something i like to share. This is the primary reason i dont work...to many negative thoughts cross my mind, and i personally dont like what they say. BUt this to hasnt ever bothered me so much until now because i felt i was in total and udder control. But because of the increasing pressure of my mind i feel that i can lose control and that frightens me. What also scares me is i have these visions, accept when i see my half sister and dad....I guess i love them to much to even think that way about them. But now Amber speaks of how she wants a future with me, and how she wants to meet.....And this personally frightens me alot. What if I have these visions with her...I dont think i could live with or accept that. And because of my degrading mental status and my literal loss on control of reality, i am worried how much a future with her would be affected....I personally am not sure what to do... My dad is going to be getting some releaf money soon, and i am not taling shump change i mean millions. With my share I always wanted to get my family and a few friends financially set up. Then i wanted to buy a secluded house on either the shores of Greece or British Columbia...To live out my days in peace and without the visions or contact with people. But the recent events with Amber has seriously made me want to scrap those plans and start a life with her, but as i pointed out above there are alot of negatives to that story..... I am not sure of what to do......I have no idea, I dont know if I am going to have a short life....i dont know if i will start to lose grip on reality because of these visions and senario's i create.....and i dont know about a future with Amber....Any thoughts you all have are greatly apreciated....And i just wanted to point out that suicide does not cross my mind and i dont concier it an option, it is running from your problems and i am a man of Honor and Respect, and i dont show a yellow face.... Edit: I also stated that i have some unique views of the world and theories on how the future will unravel...I will not post those in here, i will only tell them to people on msn or in person, and not to anyone under 20 or a certain maturity level. They would be considered anti-religous and heart breaking, and most people dont want to hear them. I also dont tell my view to youndr or immature people because they can take what people say to heart and i dont like manipulating people in that way.... (edited by Kallias on 08-15-04 09:28 AM) |
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Dracoon Zelda The temp ban/forum ban bypasser! Level: 84  Posts: 1164/3727 EXP: 5514391 For next: 147561 Since: 03-25-04 From: At home Since last post: 5 hours Last activity: 5 hours |
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| I am not really sure what to say... I can only tell you that you need to increase your control on these visions. When you make one of these things put a stop to it don't let it take control of you. I don't think anyone can really help you... Personally I think you have to work all of this out by yourself. | |||
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Kallias Octoballoon Level: 21 Posts: 37/160 EXP: 46075 For next: 3868 Since: 06-02-04 From: Barrhead, Alberta, Canada Since last post: 357 days Last activity: 286 days |
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| I know that already i just needed to say that it is going to get increasingly hard. Now i have 0 meds, increases migranes, more stress with my dad, and I am going to have to say no to Amber....I'm actually kinda worried that they will put me in some instetusion, they have tried before but i passed the "Threat Assesment Test" | |||
RoboticParanoia Cheep-cheep Level: 23  Posts: 121/184 EXP: 60582 For next: 7141 Since: 03-23-04 From: Texas Since last post: 150 days Last activity: 150 days |
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| What you should do, is just relax. Take a deep breath, and go take a nice warm bubble bath or something. Relax. Pray, if your reliigious. If you're not meditate. Hell, meditate anyways. Don't worry about the future, for you can't stop the future. No matter what happens, it'll happen. Remember that there's a sliver lining on every cloud. |
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Kallias Octoballoon Level: 21 Posts: 39/160 EXP: 46075 For next: 3868 Since: 06-02-04 From: Barrhead, Alberta, Canada Since last post: 357 days Last activity: 286 days |
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| oh I have plenty of relaxation methods...but I have never been off medication like this before, I am unsure as how this will effect me.....Time to face yet another unknowen i suppose... Edit: I dunno...i'm a little wierd i suppose.....I'm gonna try and talk my dad into going into a settlement with WCB, he cant keep up this pace....umm with my part of what we get, i'mm gonna give some to my mom and amber, I dont need any...But monday.....i go in for some pretty big tests, and i will find out if what i got is terminal...and if it is, nothing i can do. I'm not a social person, might have a terminal sickness, cant work because of my mental status....thats the law, And i am not to self confident either so as Amber goes...I dont wana start anything up....end badly for her most likely. I dont know what I want to do....I dont wanna kill myself, but i dont wanna keep going...I just want to buy a place on the coast line and live out the end of my days in peace...no tv, radio, distractions like that.....I try to help people, dont matter who they are, when ever i can....but then always some sorta emotional attachement builds up there, and i;m not very comfortable with that, i just gotta think of my options i suppose.....chose the best one! (edited by Kallias on 08-16-04 07:59 PM) (edited by Kallias on 08-18-04 06:13 AM) |
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HighSorceressDelial Buzzy Beetle DDR FREAK Slayer of Beasts Savior of Worlds Eater of Napkins Level: 31  Posts: 243/380 EXP: 181041 For next: 4322 Since: 03-15-04 From: Shimmering Waters Of Avden Since last post: 9 days Last activity: 2 days |
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| Isn't there a type of surgery that, well, basically opens up your skull and they put in a kind of plate or something, hence increasing the surface area of your head? Or will that only work on babies? ~Delial |
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Kallias Octoballoon Level: 21 Posts: 49/160 EXP: 46075 For next: 3868 Since: 06-02-04 From: Barrhead, Alberta, Canada Since last post: 357 days Last activity: 286 days |
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| i dont want to do any kind of head surgery, to much of a risk i would come out severly handicap, and i dont wanna live like that. I accepted the fact i wouldent ammount to much or possibly live long since i was pretty young. I'm not afraid of death, but i am afraid of how other people would react to mine....thats my only conern from the whole subject, And there is no 100% gaurontee (know thats not spelt right, not even close) that my dad will win his case...if thats so we get no money, my mom has a very fair job so she will survive, and in the case we dont win the cases i will give whats in my savings to Amber. After that i dont know....i dont value my life to high...i know that sounds a little stupid in many ways but i just never cared so much. |
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Neomagnus Micro-Goomba Level: 7 Posts: 9/15 EXP: 1378 For next: 70 Since: 04-18-04 Since last post: 132 days Last activity: 132 days |
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| You should really think about taking your own advice. | |||
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Kallias Octoballoon Level: 21 Posts: 51/160 EXP: 46075 For next: 3868 Since: 06-02-04 From: Barrhead, Alberta, Canada Since last post: 357 days Last activity: 286 days |
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| Not so much in my situation. I cant work in Canada, it's illegal.....found that out after my game shop was closed down.....yes it is closed. And america is probably no better. And...i wiwsh you didnt find out but yes what i have is most likely terminal. unsure when to predict probably between 25-40......And i find it increasingly difficult to be around larger groups of people, I dont go to many parties or anything anymore. so there truly is not much i can do. I create my theorys, pics, and edit music to keep my sanity....thats good enough for me. | |||
Daemon_nick Red Goomba Level: 11  Posts: 18/40 EXP: 5782 For next: 203 Since: 05-29-04 From: The Realm of Eternal Darkness Since last post: 36 days Last activity: 36 days |
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| For what it is worth mate, I wish you the best, even if i am not one of the three people you know in your hometown (as i am no longer there), i hope for your sake, that things somehow work themselves out, and know that (believe it or not) i do understand some of what you say about the visions, scenarios, and lack of control that can be felt. Wishing you the best Daemon_Nick |
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Richter B. Level: 10  Posts: 31/31 EXP: 4183 For next: 231 Since: 03-24-04 From: Alberta, Canada Since last post: 438 days Last activity: 339 days |
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| Same as nick says i don't know if i am one of those three people. But i do know that i do count you as a friend? To me there is alot to life and i hold it in high regard. You from the times we have talked and to what i have seen you do, makes me believe that you are a man of integrity and honor. I know most of us think we are like that too? but it is something else to do stuff like that in the real world not here on the net? cause here were all knights in frikkin armor and what not? but to see with your own eyes and say i was there or i knew a good person is a totally different thing??? *scratches head in thought* I seem to be rammbling on and on so I'll keep it simple and forward? dude i have alot of respect for you and it'd be a damn shame to see ya go?? Heck I know I'm a bit of a goofball and moron sometimes, but if you do got i say "it has been an honor and I hope you stay cool dude" |
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Kallias Octoballoon Level: 21 Posts: 72/160 EXP: 46075 For next: 3868 Since: 06-02-04 From: Barrhead, Alberta, Canada Since last post: 357 days Last activity: 286 days |
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| I gotta say though...you have no idea how tempting it is to just walk into the next room, and use one of my swords on myself.... I had a few more doctor apointments and tests and stuff today...they said i am Bipolar? they said it means It is an imbalance that prevents you from finding neutral ground in your brain. Either you are extremely happy or extremely depressed, very high or low, no middle ground....sounds like me, But it's so hard to keep straight focus now... I just wanna go down to the hospital and tell em to drug me up and lock me away....I'm a smart guy, i'm logical, i'm kind to all i meet, and i give advise to any who ask or to those who look like they need it, but i have non for myself....i havent encountered a situation like mine before...so i have nothing to go by.... I dont know what to do anymore...i'm getting pretty lonely to, amber lives thousands of miles away...and i wouldent wanna meet her anyways, i dont need emotional attachements...and all my friends live in the city an hour and half away....I have no money, cant work...got no where to go....I'm outta options, anyone have any? |
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