 |
| Register | Login | |||||
 |
Main
| Memberlist
| Active users
| ACS
| Commons
| Calendar
| Online users Ranks | FAQ | Color Chart | Photo album | IRC Chat |
|
| | ||
|
| Register | Login | |||||
|
Main
| Memberlist
| Active users
| ACS
| Commons
| Calendar
| Online users Ranks | FAQ | Color Chart | Photo album | IRC Chat |
|
| | ||
| 0 user currently in Lost Section. |
| Acmlm's Board - I2 Archive - Lost Section - I just made a HUGE mistake. |
 |  |  |
| Add to favorites | "RSS" Feed | Next newer thread | Next older thread |
| User | Post | ||
CityGirl Micro-Goomba Level: 6 Posts: 8/13 EXP: 539 For next: 368 Since: 06-23-05 Since last post: 111 days Last activity: 111 days |
| ||
| Ok. I dated A for a year, broke up in February-- got dumped. Remained friends. Then, started dating our mutual friend L two months later. Got dumped about four weeks later, at the end of the semester-- around the same time that A's depression spiralled into suicidal thoughts, cut himself, and had to move out of student housing.... L broke up with me, first citing his apprehension about how our friends felt about our being together, which I thought was BS and pissed me off. I was still extremely upset though. Then the next day, when I press him on it, he says that he doesn't want to leave me high and dry when he's gone for the summer working in a far-off state. When I asked him if he'd consider getting back together in the fall, he said he couldn't rule it out but wouldn't promise anything because he didn't want me passing-up anyone because of him. He still continued to be extremely flirty with me though-- which drove me insane, and I also thought "well, he obviously still likes me, we'll probably get back together." Well, A is currently living with our friend somewhere else in the city because he left home (longer story) and that is a recent development. Anyway, I have been hanging out with him for the past couple of days, but I realized that 1) I love A, and by love I mean care deeply for him would do anything for him and 2) I have residual feelings for him. However, I've been clinging to the idea that L and I will get back together in the fall. Hell, I even promised myself that I'd never get back together with A all the way back in February, when we broke up due to events that I see now were the result of someone falling into an ever deepening depression. Well, tonite--> A told me that he loves me still, and that he wishes he had never broken up with me. He kept telling me that I am the love of his life, that if it weren't for me he wouldn't be alive, and that he wants to be able to treat me the way I deserve to be treated (he wasn't too good at the boyfriend thing) and despite my many and prolonged attempts to resist him, we kissed. I kept telling him I didn't want to hurt him, or L, and he said he understood but I am incredibly torn. I have to make a choice, and I don't know what to do. I find myself wondering if L ever meant to get back together, and even if he did would it make a difference because he broke up with me, regardless. I feel guilty, and I don't even know if I should. I hate going back on my word, also. A has issues he needs to get over, and I feel horrible because I feel like I'm hurting both of them, regardless. What do I do? |
|||
Dark Vampriel Lynel "Life is just a dream on the way to death." Level: 57  Posts: 1287/1658 EXP: 1400355 For next: 85573 Since: 08-29-04 From: Somewhere..... Since last post: 2 hours Last activity: 4 min. |
| ||
| First off you obviously need time alone and hang out with other friends for sometime. Get your head clear of what's been happening. Second, I wouldn't count on L being honest when he gets back after when he's gone that you two will get back together. Time changes people. Third, if A wasn't a good boyfriend to begin with or didn't understand what to do while being boyfriend material. I know that's two different things but I'm not totaly sure what you meant. Also it seems to me that A needs professional help with the depression and thoughts of suiside. "Pure is impure. Impure is pure. Good is bad. Bad is good." A little saying I caught from Inuyasha that I find appropriate with you and L's case. Hopefully I helped a little and seriously I do suggest that you stay away from those two for a couple of days to clear your head before deciding what to do. |
|||
|
CityGirl Micro-Goomba Level: 6 Posts: 9/13 EXP: 539 For next: 368 Since: 06-23-05 Since last post: 111 days Last activity: 111 days |
| ||
| Oh, I know A needs help professionally, and he's going to get it. I know him very well and I could tell he was sincere. Weird thing is, actually, that he's been acting like a good boyfriend to me since he told me he still loved me (which was after he had to go home for the cutting incident). I've even told him that, and he said it's because he realized how to be a good boyfriend too late. By being a better boyfriend, I mean he lets me know he appreciates me where as he didn't do that so much before. He wasn't abusive, or mean, he just kind-of sucked at the smaller stuff. I don't know, I promised myself I wouldn't get back with him even if there was a chance right after A and I broke up, but he's already made some real progress and, as he says, he's trying to grow up right now. I am inclined to say to him "lets give it some time and let you grow up" but I hate the idea of an elipsis, elipsises suck. And, without meaning to, that's what L's done to me. |
|||
Danielle Local Moderator  Level: 76  Posts: 832/3359 EXP: 3958078 For next: 47982 Since: 09-15-04 From: RATE Since last post: 3 hours Last activity: 3 hours |
| ||
| You shouldn't feel guilty about kissing A if L broke up with you already. He's the one that ended things, and with no reason either, so if you see other guys right now there's nothing wrong with that. If you aren't with A when fall comes around (or whenever L was going to consider getting back with you) then you didn't do anything wrong. But if you stick with A and everything, you can't think that L is going to wait for you. He doesn't seem like that kind of guy anyway. Just follow your heart. If A is being genuine now, make sure you don't let yourself miss a great opportunity. And probably most importantly, don't rush things. Good luck.  |
|||
Arwon Zora Level: 35  Posts: 341/506 EXP: 278115 For next: 1821 Since: 03-15-04 From: Terra Australis Incognita Since last post: 5 hours Last activity: 10 min. |
| ||
| Seems like A's the one you're consciously or unconsciously erring towards... it sounds like your connection with A runs deeper, and that maybe the connection with L is partially clouded by new relationship glow? (4 weeks, right? I know people apply different time frames to these things but I don't think I could possibly form a deep and meaningful attachment to someone in a month, though YMMV). I'd be inclined to say give it another chance with A, both of you want it, and you have a golden opportunity to both redefine the terms of your relationship and avoid the problems of last time round. And as others have said, take it slow. Go on a proper and new First Date and stuff like that, the last thing you'd wanna do is slip back into old routines and behaviour patterns straight off, back into the pre-existing comfort zone, I guess. (edited by Arwon on 07-11-05 11:09 PM) (edited by Arwon on 07-11-05 11:09 PM) (edited by Arwon on 07-11-05 11:11 PM) |
|||
|
CityGirl Micro-Goomba Level: 6 Posts: 10/13 EXP: 539 For next: 368 Since: 06-23-05 Since last post: 111 days Last activity: 111 days |
| ||
| OK: here's the update. I talked to L on the phone today. Asked him where we stood. He said he didn't know if he still had feelings for me, and I said "ok, sorry I just needed to know." He said he basically was hoping for the status quo because things have been topsy-turvy in our group of friends this past semester. Then he asked me if I'd found someone else, and I didn't know what to say. I said "Yes, no.. sort of, I mean kind of--" you get the idea. He then asked point blank if it was A. I told him yes, then he asked if we could talk about it and I said ok. So we talked (I of course omitted the fact that I'd kissed A the night before) and he gave me some good advice, a good amount of things to think over, also. But, the basic point he told me was to pay attention to whether or not I love A. I think I do, but a big problem is that I don't want to love A, or atleast I'm hesistant about it. So now, it's really all about whether or not it's a good thing for me and A to be together, for his sake and for mine. I want him around all the time, but is that a comfort thing? Am I just going back to him because I'm comfortable with him? Or do I really love this guy? I have to pick something and stick with it, because more instability is NOT what he needs right now. |
|||
|
Arwon Zora Level: 35 Posts: 344/506 EXP: 278115 For next: 1821 Since: 03-15-04 From: Terra Australis Incognita Since last post: 5 hours Last activity: 10 min. |
| ||
| "But, the basic point he told me was to pay attention to whether or not I love A. I think I do, but a big problem is that I don't want to love A, or atleast I'm hesistant about it." In my (albeit limited) experience, loving someone and wanting to love someone are worlds apart. That's kind of the bitch of the thing, why it's so potentially painful, irrational, crazymaking, madenningly difficult, why people make awful decisions and act like idiots and do incomprehensible, out of character things. Why, to fall back on another cliche, "love hurts" and why so many people once burned a couple of times just turn completely inwards, harden so much, and just try to protect themselves from more hurt. I myself am caught in an extremely vague and confusing situation where basically the only thing we know is that we do love each other. It started out, on my side and I suspect hers, as an "oh god, I'm in love... this sucks"... it was not an exhilerating or exciting realisation, but one filled with dread and doubt and the potential for pain. This situation has, so far, has inflicted pain and misery in at least equal quantities to the good feelings. It's not so much a matter of "sticking it out" (though there has been improvement in said situation) but more a matter of feeling that I am compelled to see things through to whatever bloodied trainwreck or glorious paradise things might lead. There's just no other option for me as long as things are vague and open like they are. I suppose my inexperience leaves me less defensive than I might otherwise be. But lets forget about me here, I'm just trying to draw on a couple of aspects that might be related and relevant, or might not. First, the love thing coming, potentially, before the actual relationship (much in contradiction to how "the game" is supposed to be played) and the vagueness and confusion that can come with that, and secondly, the love thing being scary and painful yet pretty damn inescapable and therefore pretty confusing as well. So what I'm saying I think, is that if you do love him, and it sounds like you do despite yourself, then you probably don't actually have a real choice about whether to give it another go or not. I may well be completely off the mark here, but I'd hazard a guess that you've already on some level made a decision, and are either waiting for some validation from us or just using the board as a sounding board to bounce your thoughts off. And you are pretty spot on, its about whether you and A together is something that'll be good for the two of you, but especially you. Love by itself isn't... can't be... enough. It can, obviously, be really really damaging and stupid and painful. So I think you've figured out the parameters of the decision, and good luck with that... Also I'd ask, maybe we're a bit young to realise it yet... but are the comfort thing and the love thing really so different or contradictory? (edited by Arwon on 07-12-05 12:17 AM) |
|||
|
CityGirl Micro-Goomba Level: 6 Posts: 11/13 EXP: 539 For next: 368 Since: 06-23-05 Since last post: 111 days Last activity: 111 days |
| ||
| Yeah, I have been asking myself that too. It's weird... in my past I had a relationship where I was completely absorbed by the person and I thought that was love. I spent a year getting over it, and to tell you the truth I still think this person is probably one of my favorite people ever. That's why, going from that relationship to A, has been really weird. When A and I weren't together, I was still over-protective of him, and had mild feelings of jealousy when he seemed to be starting a relationship with other girls. I was also the one who knocked on his door and went to the RA for help when he cut himself. I also have an inexplicable feeling of wanting him with me all the time. All those things, I think, add up to love on some level. I guess I'm just afraid because it's not what I planned. I need to get over that. But I also don't want to hinder him from a lot of things he has to do now. Like, find a job, get an apartment, make enough to live on. I hope I am motivation and not a hindrence, because he's known for being distracted. One of those thoughtful writer types. Thanks for your help! It's helped a lot, sorting through what I feel and think about it all. |
| Add to favorites | "RSS" Feed | Next newer thread | Next older thread |
| Acmlm's Board - I2 Archive - Lost Section - I just made a HUGE mistake. |
| | |
