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| Acmlm's Board - I2 Archive - Modern Art - Assassin's Loss |
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Kegan Marius Micro-Goomba Level: 8  Posts: 8/18 EXP: 1866 For next: 321 Since: 03-15-04 From: Chico, California, United States of America Since last post: 553 days Last activity: 339 days |
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| This is a short story I wrote a long time ago, but recently revised for use in a class. I'd like some feedback on it before the 19th of April or so, but I'll take comments any time. It's a bit of a long 'un, so... those without patience can pass if you feel like breaking my little heart. You cruel bastard. If you've read this before, read it again: I made a LOT of changes to the last draft I had on the 'Net, most of which are for the better. [EDIT]: Made enough changes to constitute a new draft. Won't mark what. ------------------------------------------------------ Saturday nights in Scaevola are famous for the crowds of shoppers clamoring to get a piece of the weekend sales so common to the city. The local police nearly always require reinforcements from Seiatsu Corporation to help control the crowds. All throughout the city's tourist and downtown districts, huge mobs flow through the streets like a rushing river. Shoppers break from the stream when they pass a particular merchant, and absorb themselves back into the mob when they finish. In addition to a massive flow of funds from rich and poor shoppers alike, the busy Saturday nights also bring a lot of violence and theft. The police, and when necessary, Seiatsu Corp. troopers, nearly always have their hands full maintaining the peace and preventing riots. They could never notice how a small sixteen year-old girl could pave her way through the crowds and into a back alley behind a strip mall. Chiisai Hana removed her light blue cloak and hood, tossing them beside a trashcan. She slapped it twice with her foot and rubbed it in the dirt to give it an abandoned look, though she suspected it didn't matter much whether anyone discovered it or not. Her target did not lie in the alley, but in a skyscraper just beyond the downtown district. Hana crouched behind the trashcan. Normally she could stand in the shadows unseen: her black skintight uniform covered her slender figure from neck to toe and a black cloth mask dampened her breath. Both always kept her well hidden in the darkness, but Hana couldn't exactly hide her profession from the bright lights of a Scaevola Saturday. She consulted a watch strapped to her right wrist, which doubled as a compact data pad. She knew it contained an audio file describing her mission and a small-scale map of the building she was ordered to find. This sort of impromptu briefing happened more often than not, since the decisions to use Hana were always made too quickly for a lengthy briefing. Attaching a pair of ear bud headphones into a small connector on the left side of the watch, she pressed a tiny button and watched the display as an audio file played. "For some time now," (edited by Kegan Marius on 04-10-04 04:41 AM) |
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Kasumi-Astra Administrator Level: 62  Posts: 199/1867 EXP: 1971846 For next: 12840 Since: 03-15-04 From: Reading, UK Uni: Sheffield, UK Since last post: 1 day Last activity: 12 hours |
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Pretty good, you could easily make a living out of your talent  I didn't expect it to be left open, though, so I look forward to reading some more  I sympathise with Hana alot... The thought about killing makes me feel rotten inside, let alone killing an innocent person... You put that emotion across really well |
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Alucard Shyguy Level: 16  Posts: 5/87 EXP: 19426 For next: 830 Since: 04-08-04 From: Santa Clarita, CA Since last post: 533 days Last activity: 339 days |
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| damn...thats some good stuff there pal | |||
Valentine Revolution Leever Level: 24  Posts: 97/199 EXP: 68616 For next: 9509 Since: 03-15-04 From: UK Since last post: 103 days Last activity: 59 days |
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| That's really good. I like the emotional breakdown bit, but it seemed a little out of nowhere, if you get what I mean. It could be because I'm tired and I glossed over bits by accident, shouldn't have done though. But yeah, very dark, I really like it. | |||
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Mel (USER WAS TOTALLY AWESOME FOR THIS POST) Level: 47  Posts: 143/991 EXP: 762490 For next: 3713 Since: 03-15-04 From: secure tripcodes are for jerks Since last post: 17 min. Last activity: 16 min. |
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| HOLY JESUS. You just topped practically every piece of fiction I've ever read on the internet. That's good shit, right there. | |||
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tinzeee Permaban Repeated warnings and bannings about stupidity Level: 38  Posts: 121/618 EXP: 369695 For next: 752 Since: 04-02-04 From: Australia - Sydney Since last post: 553 days Last activity: 339 days |
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WOW!!!... that is some good story, how did you come up with all that... I have trouble writing a speech |
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Kegan Marius Micro-Goomba Level: 8 Posts: 9/18 EXP: 1866 For next: 321 Since: 03-15-04 From: Chico, California, United States of America Since last post: 553 days Last activity: 339 days |
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| Chad: There was an emotional outburst prior to the last one, so I guess you glossed over it... I try not to have random stuff inserted into my stories without good cause, but I'm glad for the feedback. tinzeee: I write best when I'm depressed. When I wrote Assassin's Loss, I was REALLY depressed. When I revised it, I was REALLY depressed. And the character is one in an RPG I'm designing/writing, so I had a base to start from, which made it that much easier. I like praise and everything, but I'd really prefer some nitpicky commentary. Even if it's only suggestions for expansion, I'd like to know what I can do to improve the piece. |
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Sofie Level: 52 Posts: 230/1210 EXP: 1028812 For next: 55028 Since: 03-15-04 Since last post: 187 days Last activity: 279 days |
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| I read the other two short stories on your website, and I don't really see how this one fits in with the other two. She's a generation younger, isn't she? |
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Kegan Marius Micro-Goomba Level: 8 Posts: 10/18 EXP: 1866 For next: 321 Since: 03-15-04 From: Chico, California, United States of America Since last post: 553 days Last activity: 339 days |
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| Sofie: Assassin's Loss takes place three months before the events in Long Days, and fourteen years before the events in Alone. Chaya is 18 in Alone, though I never included that detail (next draft, I promise), and she's 32 in Long Days. I'm not entirely sure how I can introduce those details into the stories, so... if you have ideas, let me know. | |||
Silvershield Slime Level: 30 Posts: 4/345 EXP: 153029 For next: 12840 Since: 04-11-04 From: New Jersey Since last post: 60 days Last activity: 6 hours |
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| In all honesty, I read less than half of your story, but it's not because the piece was boring or poorly written. In fact, it's quite well done. I can offer two pieces of grammar-related advice at the moment, and perhaps more at some later time: Beginning in the eighth paragraph (and possibly earlier), you lean towards the use of "her" and "she" as you relate your protagonist's background. It is simple and clear, though the ocassional pronoun works just as well and, in many cases, better. Refer to her as "the assassin" or "the girl" at points, though retaining "she" and "her" in many spots is optimal. Furthermore, in paragraph eleven, you've included one phrase that is poetic but, in its current form, incorrect and irksome. You write, "...the noise of ecstatic shoppers and infuriated law enforcement deafened the air." Surely it is simply an overlooked error; the air, of course, has no ears - it is immune to deafness .You make several minor mistakes at various points, but don't allow a nitpicker like myself to cause you to think any less of your work. Nicely written, and I hope to see more in the future. |
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