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11-02-05 12:59 PM
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Keikonium
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Posted on 05-05-05 08:30 AM Link
First, I would like to say that that people may think my problem is weird, strange, not right, or even illegal. I would like to say, I am fine with how you feel about my predicament, but please keep the flames and insults to yourselves. Thanks

I have been dating this girl since february of 2005. Just abit after valentines day (the friday after), but have know her for 4+ years. Without mentioning ages, we are about 5 years apart. Currently we are legally not aloud to date; we do anyway. This girl is very mature for her age, as am I (or so I like to think). My problem is as follows:

We both love each other very much. There is no "sex" involved in the relationship due to our ages. Only kissing, hugging, and hanging out. My parent(s) just recently found out about us, but her parents have no idea. My parent(s) said they were fine with our relationship, so long as no one found out. But recently they have been saying its not right, shes to young, get over her, and all this stuff. Her parents have no idea what is going on. Its killing me inside that they dont know, but I am certain that they will not approve because of our ages.

My girlfriend and I have been doing things together for over a year now, and no one has found out on their own accord. We have been secretive because we both knew it wasn't right. However, recently people have begun to notice how we act around each other. We used to talk all the time around others, hang out and all that fun stuff, but since my parents found out (I told them), my girlfriend has been acting differently. We still do everything like we used to, but when she and I are around my parents, she brushes me off and doesn't talk very much.

The reason I told my parents is because of something they told me. I came home from school one day and they told me that my girlfriend and her family were moving (this was before they found out about us). I didn't believe them, but asked questions anyway. I found out they were moving to Virgina, in the states. Their dad is in the army, and thats where he got posted. Currently we (my GF and I) are in canada, where we live. I found out about the posting in January. Then at about the start of February, end of January, I was told they were moving to Hawaii. I was heart-broken, and had nothing to say. I love my GF so much, I didn;t want her to go. So a few days later, I came downstairs crying, saying I was sick. My mom saw thru it, and got it out of me that this girl and I were dating. She wasn't surprised. She said she suspected it.

Now here is my problem. My GF is moving to Hawaii on July 24th 2005, thats less than 70 days. She has become more and more distant from me over the months, and I don't know why. She says she still loves me, we still talk everyday, and see each other everyday, but not like we used to. She is just so excited about going to Hawaii because she thinks she will be swimming all day and have a great time. I don't blame her for thinking this way, but I have tried to explain things to her. I hate doing it, making her sad, but I tell her its not going to be like that all the time. None of her friends will be there, I wont be there, her relitives wont be there, no one. American school will be different from canadian school, the time zone difference will make it very hard to keep in contact. So many things that she just isn't getting. We have searched together on the internet for the place they are moving to in Hawaii, and the place she is living, there is no water (beaches) for 6 miles. She thought they would live in a house beside the beach. I hate to disappoint her like that, but she needs to know the truth.

So, now she is having second thoughts about actually wanting to go, but there is nothing either of us can do. Its not like she can stay here, or I can go there. I can't even visit without having to pay alot of money. It will cost me to get a visa card, a passport, and a plane ticket. I have already been given permission by her family to live with them for a few weeks if I ever come to visit (the family loves me, and loves me being around). Thing is, my parents dont approve. They dont want me going to Hawaii, and refuse to sign for a passport for me. I have saved up enough money for a ticket (just need a few hundred more bucks for other stuff), and they know that the family would love for me to come up, but dont approve of my relationship with this girl.

It just seems like everything is starting to fall apart. My girlfriend is leaving, my grades are slipping, I am depressed (severe), my body aches everyday, I have been getting into fights about this with my family, people tease me because I am dating someone 5 years younger, and I just feel like life isn't worth living anymore. I am only truly happy when I am with her. She just makes me so happy. I am crying as I write this down, because there are so many things that will change when she is gone.

The only brightside I can see to this is the fact that she will be coming back here permanently in 4 to 5 years. However, I will be alot older, and my feelings may have changed; scarier than that, hers might have also. I just never want to lose her, and have her not be a part of my life. She terrifies me because she is a very "sexual" person, and being like that at such a young age, will make her think that its okay. I dont want her ruining her life having sex with boys and doing drugs and such. Hell she tried her first cigeratte when she was 5. She has never had one since, but still, it scares me as to what she may be doing with the influence of Hawaii and beaches, and sunsets, and all that beautiful stuff. Any guy there could show her a better time than I could here in this miserable place.

So her leaving has really gotten me upset, and 4 to 5 years is just way to long of a stretch to be away from the person you love. My parents refuse to let me visit her, and its killing me. I just had to write this out and get some opinions on what I should do, if anything at all. All the long distance relationships I have ever heard of, have ended in a not so good way. I love this girl wayyyy to much for something like that to happen. She isn't liked by others very much for the way she acts, and even her parents neglect her sometimes. I am just glad I give her enough attention for all of them combined (thats what she says anyway). So some help would be great, and if a girl is sexually active at a young age (not actual sex, but like handjobs etc, and kissing older guys), would she most likely be like that when she gets abit older, and becomes a teen?

And please keep the flames to yourself. I am only looking for some help, and none of this is jokingness, its all serious. Weirder things have happened than this, I am not looking for put-downs, I have had enough of those from people I thought cared about me. Thanks for some help.
Dark Vampriel

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Posted on 05-06-05 01:21 AM Link
Sometimes things can't be helped like your parents not letting you go visit her in Hawaii. I know it's harsh and I can relate. Seeing as last year during the summer I planned to go visit my ex in Chicago without my parents knowing. Well things never worked out since my friend didn't have any money and I only brought enough for tolls. So we got stuck in Elgin, thirty minutes from Chicago, but we had enough money left to call his parents so we could get home. Trying not to be mean or anything but replaying it now in my mind that that relationship was never meant to be. It could be the same to you if you can't go visit her once in Hawaii.

Distance does change a person if you can't be with them. Long distance relationships are tough I do admit. I only know of one being successful that I know the chick from a site that has/had one, they both live at her place now. Over time people do change from what ever reason. I can't say that you two will still be in love after the vast amount of time being apart. Seeing as from my expirence that love is malevolent and won't always last. But fate has it's way of working out if you truly believe. Even though I thought of that with my ex bf it wasn't true. Who knows what it will do to you two.

If she's acting distant with you around your parents she's probably not liking them with you two being together and trying to show them that you two aren't going out. There could be several reasons for that attitude. Seeing as I have an attitude towards my ex that I can't figure out why I am acting the way I am towards him.

I can't really say much to the sexual part of her being active in those ways. So what ever happens happens over the next few years. I don't know what else to tell you with my opinions. Just that parents seem to be right about certain things. Seeing as they found out about my little trip to Chicago last year and told me to stop talking to my ex online, which I didn't and it ended our relationship and friendship just a few months ago.

Keitaro

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Posted on 05-06-05 03:58 AM Link
Hawaiian influence? Do you even have the slightest idea of what you're talking about? Hawaii has THE most relaxed legal system of anywhere in this country. Know why? You never hear of anything bad going on there, and its true. Crime isn't a huge thing in Hawaii. Thoug there's going to be drugs and promniscuous sex everywhere (can't be helped), Hawaii of all places should have you RELEIVED as someone her age (if she really is as old as that other thread said ) will have even less of a chance of getting involved in that sort of stuff.

Also, what part is she in? It's an island, beaches aren't THAT far unless you live on the dead center. Happen to even know what island? I have family out there, and I've been to most of the islands myself...water everywhere

Anyways, because of the relaxed, layed back atmosphere, and the people (mostly Japanese/polenesian, THE most polite people you'll ever meet, ever), she should be fine. She says she's taken, most guys will respect that. You'll only need to worry about toursits, though considering her age as I understand it...I think another guy coming along should be the least of your worries
Keikonium
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Posted on 05-06-05 04:25 PM Link
She just has a thing for beaches....and food. Thats why I was worried about her going to Hawaii. She will be living in a city (village maby?) called Whitmore Village, on the island of Oahu. If you would like to see where that is check out this site. Its like dead center of Oahu: Oahu Nothing much around from what I understand.


Originally posted by Keitaro
Thoug there's going to be drugs and promniscuous sex everywhere (can't be helped)


Please say thats not true and you're just saying that. I have heard about drugs being easy to get, but she has tried a few things, and refuses to use drugs AT ALL. So that doesn't really worry me. But when the topic of sex comes up, and Ii tell her not to do that at her age, she tries to say no, but in a way that makes you think shes not serious. Hard to explain without actual voice or gestures.

Anyway, she will be over at my house for 11 days while her parents go to Hawaii to look for a house. So I hope that we can have a few good talks then, and get things straigntened out. It just worries me thats all. She likes the attention I give her, and is always talking about not making any friends in Hawaii because she is ugly, and people hate her. Which isn't true, but thats how she looks at it.


@Dark Vampriel

Your post really opened my eyes. It made me relize that if we are meant to be, then we are meant to be. She will still be in Hawaii when I am 18, and then I can get a passport without parental permission. But thats 2 years away, and feelings may change because of distance just like you said. I just thank god for MSN and audio/video chat....lol. We talk on it all the time even tho she lives around the cornor from me.

Originally posted by Dark Vampriel
If she's acting distant with you around your parents she's probably not liking them with you two being together and trying to show them that you two aren't going out. There could be several reasons for that attitude. Seeing as I have an attitude towards my ex that I can't figure out why I am acting the way I am towards him.


That is probably exactly what is going on. I never thought of that, I always thought she just "wasn't in the mood" to talk to me at that time. When she gets home and onto MSN she opens right up to me and talks. I know she doesn't want her friends to know about us (only 1 of her friends does, and thinks its really cool), so I try not to be with her when her friends are around, which isn't very often. But when they are, she acts like she doesn't know me. We have talked about this, she says she hates to do it, but doesn't want her friends to hate her. I would ask her why they would hate her, and she says its because I'm older than her. I can see where shes coming from, and respect that.

So I thank you two for your help, and I hope I can get this all straigntened out before she leaves. We will always be in contact because are parents are good friends with each other, which is good. Thanks.
Keitaro

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Posted on 05-09-05 02:13 AM Link
Originally posted by Keikonium
Originally posted by Keitaro
Thoug there's going to be drugs and promniscuous sex everywhere (can't be helped)


Please say thats not true and you're just saying that. I have heard about drugs being easy to get, but she has tried a few things, and refuses to use drugs AT ALL. So that doesn't really worry me. But when the topic of sex comes up, and Ii tell her not to do that at her age, she tries to say no, but in a way that makes you think shes not serious. Hard to explain without actual voice or gestures.


What I meant was anywhere in the world, theres always going to be some amount of drug use and promniscuouse sex. There won't be one single place free of it, sadly enough. That's what I was getting at really.
Slay

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Posted on 05-16-05 08:13 PM Link
The Keikonium says...
We have been secretive because we both knew it wasn't right.


Do not let the legality of your government dictate your morals. If it's not purely sexual a relationship and there is genuine love involved, it's not wrong. It is right. When it comes to matters of love, all those who aren't directly involved in the relationship have no idea what they're talking about.

The Keikonium says...
Thing is, my parents dont approve. They dont want me going to Hawaii, and refuse to sign for a passport for me. I have saved up enough money for a ticket (just need a few hundred more bucks for other stuff), and they know that the family would love for me to come up, but dont approve of my relationship with this girl.


If it comes right down to it, the drastic aproach is to emancipate yourself from your parents. That'd allow you to get the passport without their permission. I'm not sure how the legal system works in Canada, so seventy days might not be enough time. But first, give your parents the benefit of the doubt. They probably assume things, they think to themselves, "My sixteen year old son is dating an eleven year old girl." To them, dating implies meaningless affection and possibly sex. They probably have no idea how deeply in love you two are. If you explain it to them, they may change their minds.

The Keikonium says...
She terrifies me because she is a very "sexual" person, and being like that at such a young age, will make her think that its okay.


It is okay. Human beings are intended, by design, to become sexually active shortly after puberty begins, and biologically speaking, human beings are the only creatures on the planet that can achieve orgasm prior to puberty. Even eighty years ago it wasn't uncommon for a man in his twenties to be wed, yes, married to a thirteen year old girl. Society today has simply changed it's views about such things. Sex isn't corrupting or bad, though like any situation where one or both participants become vulnerable, bad people can make it into a horrible thing, where it is otherwise beautiful.

The Keikonium says...
So some help would be great, and if a girl is sexually active at a young age (not actual sex, but like handjobs etc, and kissing older guys), would she most likely be like that when she gets abit older, and becomes a teen?


I'm confused. She's in a relationship with you, but she does these things with others? Or did she only do them before she started going out with you? Because I was pretty sure you mentioned that you and her aren't sexually active with each other.

The Keikonium says...
I know she doesn't want her friends to know about us (only 1 of her friends does, and thinks its really cool), so I try not to be with her when her friends are around, which isn't very often. But when they are, she acts like she doesn't know me. We have talked about this, she says she hates to do it, but doesn't want her friends to hate her. I would ask her why they would hate her, and she says its because I'm older than her. I can see where shes coming from, and respect that.


You might not want to hear this, but there aren't nearly as many good people in the world as one might think. Most people are judgemental, petty and spiteful. If her friends would hate her for that, would refuse to accept the love between you two, then they aren't worth her time, and aren't really friends at all. It's a lonely world once you realize that most of the people you think are your friends turn out to be nothing of the sort, but that's life. You've got to pick up, make due and move on.

I'm rooting for you. Good luck with whatever happens.
Tails

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Posted on 05-17-05 12:54 AM Link
It doesn't matter if your parents approve, as long as you love her.

As for her going to hawaii, let her; hawaii isnt that bad.. I'm sure she'll have the internet and/or a phone number, so stay in constant communication with her. You'll still love each other in a few years if it's true love, right?
Halo2-tankwhore

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Posted on 05-25-05 12:50 AM Link
I'm with Tails. One of my best friends is currently dating one of my other best friends. Mike(the guy) went on this tour thing for drama(it's a thing my church does.) He's going all around the country and she hasn't seen him in a month or two. She doesn't even get to talk on the phone with him more than a couple time a month it that.

Their one year anniversary just came up, and even though I know that she was heartbroken that she didn't get to see him, she kept telling herself(and me) that is was true love, than it's meant to last and that he'll be back before she knows it.
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Posted on 06-13-05 12:12 PM Link
Hey sorry to sound like an asshole, but you're dating a fucking 11 year old.

She's not even in highschool yet. You're aware that she's no where even NEAR fully developed or matured mentally, right? She's going to change, a LOT. It doesn't really matter how mature she is for her age right now because her brain's physiology alone isn't done developing. She may say she loves you now, but do you know for certain whether or not she really does?

Let her go. If she really does come back to you after four or five years there, then I'm wrong and I apologize for any harshness I had.
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Posted on 06-14-05 10:45 PM Link
I agree with Ephrion, she is very young and she probably doesn't even know what true love is. Not to be harsh or anything, let her go and then wait a couple of years(at least two for the age of partial maturity) and then call her. If she is still in love with you then hey go for it. But don't be pushing anything with her let her become more mature and come back to you.

Sorry if that came out a little harsh but I was just speaking my mind.


(edited by Legault on 06-14-05 01:46 PM)
The Oobermister

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Posted on 06-25-05 06:00 AM Link
wow, i read your post and i kind of know how you feel. I'm not really good at giving advice, but i'll try to help.

My 2 best friends were going out for almost 2 years. Then some horrible, horrible things happened between the girl and her stepfather. She had no other choice but to be sent to live with her dad, about 40 min+ away. They kept their relationship steady for a while, but once she got into high school (we were going into our first year, he was going into his third) she met a lot of boys and from what i heard, i knew things wouldn't stay so good. I found out that they broke up 2 days before Christmas this year. She went out with another boy and is now in a relationship with someone else. But even though she has her new boyfriend, she and her ex and still very good friends. So even if your relationship doesnt work out the way you want it to be in 4/5 years, maybe you can both still be very good friends. This is the quote my friend gave to me when she told me that they broke up: "It was hard, but sometimes to make things better, you're just gonna have to let them go." I hope everything works out for the best for you.
Danielle

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Posted on 06-25-05 07:31 AM Link
Keikonium, the fact is that she's just a kid. That doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings for you, but how can you know they are true? I don't know about you, but when I was 11, I was all about pokemon and trying to make my curfew later than 9:00.
It's obvious that a lot will change between now and 5 years, when she graduates hig school. Instead of hoping she'll stay true to you all those years, and at such a young age to start with, you should talk about it with her. Try letting the relationship aspect go, and just be friends. If she finds another guy, try to be okay with it. If you're really meant to be together with that age difference, then she'll come back to you 5 years from now ready to pick back up and start a real relationship.
You're really asking a lot for an 11 year old to not be with anyone he entire teen years over a "love" she has at that age. She needs to grow up first, you know?
There's going to be more pain if you try to make this last for 5 years.
Good luck.
Keikonium
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Posted on 06-26-05 05:49 AM Link
You're all right. Slay's and Danielle's post really makes alot of sense.

I have talked with her many many times about as much as I could. We have agreed to just stay really good friends, which I am perfectly fine with. We still hug and kiss and that kind of stuff, but thats it. Our relationship (friends) is so much better than it was before. She understands that I love her, and I understand that she still has alot of growing up to do. She leaves in 29 days, and I am spending all of tommorrow with her, so thats just wonderful.

She tells me that she will not have sex with anyone (and I know this is true. I found something out recently that kinda prevents her from doing it) but she will have relationships. I told her I am fine with it as long as we stay really good friends.

I have also talked to my parents. My dad hates the entire thing, but my mom doesn't mind it as much now. She says that if I want to get a job and save my own money, I can go down to Hawaii to be with her for a summer. I have already started saving. Her parents also know, and surprisingly they were pretty much fine with it. Her dad wasn't very happy, but he wasn't angry. What he said to me was that he thought I may have liked his daughter, but he knew that I wasn't the type to take advantage of her [and I'm not]. He said that the relationship was fine as long as "nothing happened" and I wouldn't hurt her. Her mom thought it was great [her mom adores me...lol]. They didn't even mind about the age difference.

So thank you everyone for all your help. Our relationship is great, it's all out, her friends even know and don't hate her for it!! So it seems like everything is going good. I am so happy now Thanks!
Danielle

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Posted on 06-26-05 07:15 AM Link
It's good to see you handling things better, and that you've changed your perspective a little. Best of luck with everything.
Dei*

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Posted on 06-27-05 12:47 AM Link
It's great to hear you got everything (or most of) worked out, it does make me feel better to see another person who sorted out their problems. Best of luck to you with your parents and savings.
King_Killa

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Posted on 06-27-05 01:14 AM Link
Don't worry man, you'll find someone else. As for her promising not to have sex with anyone, if she is there for 5 years she'll be 16. 16 is mature enough for a girl to become sexual. By then, though, you won't mind. You'll be 21, and you'll have someone else.
Keikonium
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Posted on 06-27-05 08:45 PM Link
Much has changed since my first post. Some of it is good, some of it is bad.

She will be leaving on July 25th 2005. She will only be in Hawaii for 3 years for sure now. It was going to be 4 or 5, but the military messed something up. The dad only has 4 years left in the military, not 5. Because it's the canadian military, he is being posted with his family to Hawaii for 3 years, and he has to spend his final year here in Canada, in Ottawa (just 2 hours from here!). All the family wants to come back to kingston, but the dad want's to move to Toronto or stay in Ottawa. So it's really up to him.

Anyway....

She is leaving July 2005, and returning to Canada ??? 2008.
Then in Ottawa for 1 year (it may be shorter, it depends)

So when she returns to Canada, she will be either 13 or 14 depending on which month she comes back in. Her birthday is Novemeber 1st, so if it's after that, she will be 14.

Anyway, no one really needs to know all that, just thought I would clear things up. She could potentially be sexually active at any age really, but her teen years are more likely for stuff to happen. So thanks everyone, and thats it for me in this thread.
Darth Coby

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Dacht je nou echt dat ik gebroken was? Nee toch?
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Posted on 07-04-05 08:45 PM Link
I read halfway your first post and skipped the rest of the topic, but if she's moving to Hawaii on July 24th then maybe it's for your own good that the two of you become a bit more distant, unless you want to go through one of those "Long Distance Relationships". Wich I don't approve. So maybe that's why she's becoming more distant, to prepare for the big departure, because if you both are still totally into eachother the split-up will hurt pretty badly.
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Posted on 07-06-05 05:44 PM Link
Yes, if she feels the same way about you, that you do about her, this whole moving thing is probably tearing her up inside. That's what happened with me. I had a guy back in the UK... I was 11 when I started "hanging out" with him... It wasn't really dating. But, things were, we were getting more and more into each other. Oh, he was 14 when we started dating. Well, almost 3 years later, and we are still dating. Then, my mum and dad pop onto me that we are moving from our flat in London to Peoria, Illinois. I was crushed. I pretty much ran out of the house, and over to him. I told him what was happening. He said, it's ok... He told me that he wasn't going to be angry with me, because, I was a young girl, there was nothing I could do to make this stop from happening. But, it seems in my memories, all we did for our last week together was kiss and kiss and kiss. I miss him so much, a first love is always a terrible thing to lose and try and get over. But, I was happy that he admitted to me, that I probably wouldn't be coming back, and there was probably going to be no way to make a real relationship work.

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But, you said that your girl is coming back? It most likely, won't be the same as it is now when she does return. She will have grown up more, matured more... Same will go for you. And 3 years time is a long time in the realm of girls and boys. I'm not saying it's impossible for you two to stay together. In fact, if you guys are into each other as much as you say you are, then it will probably work. I hope it does . It's hard to love someone, and then have no control over losing her. I know exactly how that feels right now. :s...
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The thing is though, you have to accept it if things do change. One of the hardest things for me was, over summer break, I go and spend 15 days with my family in London. I used to go see him every time I was there. I'd run as fast as I could, as soon as I could to his house, and we would embrace and fall in love all over again every summer for about 4 years. The summer before I turned 18 though, I went over, and I got to his house and another woman answered the door. I knew as soon as she did, that things were over between him and I forever. I wanted to cry, but, I stayed there. I told him I was happy for him... (Apparently, they got engaged, and married that fall). But, sometimes the L/D relationships do work. I wish you the best of luck.
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Also, you mentioned something about not being able to stay in contact much... Well, if she is going to a military base, all of them have Internet ready connections at them, she could always email you. Or you could even show her the board here? Well, I'm running out of ideas....

I wish you two the best of luck and I hope everything works out for you guys.

kAt
Keikonium
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Posted on 07-07-05 04:44 AM Link
Thanks Kat, your pretty cool.

Sadly, nothing is working out right now. I did a stupid thing. I bought her a friendship ring, and somehow, since then she has been completly ignoring me. I call her, she doesn't answer. Her computer is packed up and probably in Hawaii right now. I have NO way to contact her what so ever. She has to stay in a hotel until she leaves, which is now on the 18th (yes 12 more days) because the fucktards that bought their house decided to move in early!

So nothing is really going right and I haven't talked to her in like 2 weeks. Well, I did last night for like 2 minutes because I saw her at a store, but thats it. We said hi.

I don't want to bother anyone with this anymore, but I just don't think this whole thing is going to work out. I still love her, and I'm not to sure why. So thanks everyone, but it seems like everything I do just ends up ruining things.

Thats it for this topic, please no one else post. I'm horribly depressed just typing this. I just want it to be over and done with. I'm torn up. I may just walk the 2 hour walk to her hotel to see her one last time...I just hope she lets me see her...

Ya, thats it for me. Thank you all.
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