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| Acmlm's Board - I2 Archive - Lost Section - Everything went wrong. |
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Houou10 Newcomer Level: 5 Posts: 4/7 EXP: 315 For next: 214 Since: 01-15-05 Since last post: 42 days Last activity: 153 days |
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| Today I just snapped and didn't allow myself any rest or anything before I finish writing this up. This will probably be long; Read if you feel like it... ...it would be appreciated. Here I go...: ...I have never fallen in love really; Not with anyone. I would look at girls and would be like... yeah, "this one's pretty, heh". But I never really felt an attraction to anyone. And then, I had fallen in love for the first (and to the day I'm writing this - last) someone ever. To my dismay (or is it? I'm still not sure.) it was a... boy - If such an attraction offends you, goes against your belief or something... good for you. I don't care. Anyway... I really, honestly, love him. As I was saying, I had never seen a girl nor a boy which ever attracted me at all except for him... And that pain I bit for about a year before I felt the need to get it out; And here I did something silly - I had decided to tell it to the boy's best friend. Indeed a very stupid idea - little did I know what a big mouth that 'best friend' had and that he would be heartless and also will be glad to take an opportunity to spread rumours - a great way to get popular no matter who or what stands in your way: Hey, as long as your popular you could care less who you trample. I do not know exactly when did he tell - About a month or so afterwards I realized what a mistake I had done and that the best friend was infact a ticking time bomb that could go off whenever he feels like it. However, possibly from denial I had convinced myself that no one would be heartless enough to tell a secret he had swore not to tell. Oh was I naive. That was on year 1. I am now on the third year since this whole thing started. On the second year I had done everything I could to get close to him... It was a wonderful year... I got over my horrible shyness and talked to him a bit, still not wanting to say anything about my true feelings - I didn't want him to leave. And like all good things this one ended soon enough - when I was suddenly 'informed' by this girl in my school that I never talk to that there is a rumour going around that I am a homo and that I'm love with him (Of course, this was how she had said it - I hope nobody takes that offensively.) When she did I realized how stupid I was to think he won't tell anyone and that I had lived for 8 monthes now not knowing such a thing, and how long could she possibly have known and how long had everyone known and how many people know and worst.. why didn't anyone tell me before?! So ended the 2nd year. By the time the 3rd year started and till now I had constantly been trying to avoid the boy, I don't want to look at him, don't want to talk to him... don't want anything to do with him... except I think about him night and day and stare at him reluctantly at any possible moment I can get, as if my body doesn't even consult my brain. I don't know what's wrong with me - as if I'm trying to avoid him yet I want to get closer to him, its very confusing to me. And since this thing started, about in the 2nd year, I had started getting into fits of depression very often. I don't dare tell anyone and thus I can't get any help with this depression but its horrible... not like depression can be explained in a paragraph over the internet, but its a depression "proper" non-the-less. And with that went my school grades. I don't like to brag - infact I rarely brag - but I'm smart. I can get straight As easily if I try. But I stopped trying... I just... don't care about anything much anymore. I was afraid I won't get into a 'good highschool' (My parents are very ambitious people, they would never understand) but evantually I struggled enough and got in. Now I am again getting awful grades and I am disappointed of myself. I feel that I have a talent that I don't use. And yet another thing happened in a chain reaction - I have become addicted to just about everything. The computer, video games, food... everything. Just nothing to the likes of cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, etc... good god, I thank myself for not getting into anything of that sort. But I am still addicted to other things. I try to comfort myself by sitting in this damn computer all day but it doesnt help anything - it does the opposite. I abuse myself with those addictions, getting 'bags under my eyes', putting on weight, etc. I hate myself for it even more - all this stuff thats going on me makes me hate not the world, but myself. And then I try to comfort myself... repeat that in an endless loop thing.. A classic Catch 22, if you will. Phew. I had kept my promise to myself and of telling someone how crappy I feel - I was scared to tell anyone for the longest time, I don't even know why. I feel like nobody that I know in person will care and nobody will understand me... Heh. Thanks for having to read all this stuff... I honestly appreciate it very much. (edited by Houou10 on 04-12-05 04:10 AM) |
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Cruel Justice XD Level: 55  Posts: 807/1384 EXP: 1253266 For next: 60923 Since: 03-20-04 From: Darkwoods Penetentiary Since last post: 11 hours Last activity: 7 hours |
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| Okay, I'm not gay but if you're no longer interested in the guy, forget it all ever happened and turn over a new leaf. Who says you cannot give yourself a second chance? If they still have a problem, so what? Ignore those stupid f*cks and in time, it'll all settle down. Don't avoid anyone though, there is in fact a time where you have to face them. If they give you any crap, just tell them you have changed and they should leave you alone. Otherwise, ignore them, anything as unnecessary as a rock being thrown at you should be reported to an administrator or an adult. They have no good reason to mistreat you so stick up for yourself if you cannot trust anyone else. Also keep the good grades up. Right now, focus on your principles. School will help you get a high paying job and those lousy asshats will probably flip your burgers and wash your car. I know how it is to get picked on by a mindless bigotry in school and I hope this helps. |
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MHL Red Goomba Level: 11  Posts: 32/38 EXP: 5360 For next: 625 Since: 05-27-04 From: Illinois Since last post: 62 days Last activity: 18 days |
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| Okay, I'm not gay either. But I do have a question. Is your depression possibly being caused because of the fact that the person you have fallen in love with is indeed a guy? In other words, did this make you realize that you were homosexual? I'm a little confused there. Dude, I'm glad that you aren't into the drugs and all that. I'm not into those either. They aren't something you want to get yourself into. My suggestion is to just be with friends. You don't have to say anything at all to them about the ordeal. But you do need to hang out with them. Trust me, it sounds like it wouldn't help but it does help depression a little. |
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